'AITA for withholding physical intimacy because my husband won’t get a vasectomy?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for withholding $#x because my husband won’t get a vasectomy?"

Neither of us want children. This was discussed and agreed upon very early on in our relationship. The subject of sterilization came up during our engagement. We agreed it would be easier, cheaper, and less invasive for him to get a vasectomy vs me getting a bisalp. He said he would be sterilized after we got married.

We’ve been married for three years now. Sterilization has been the focus of several arguments over the years, which have only gotten more frequent since RvW was overturned. We live in a red state with an absolute ban.

There is legislature being proposed to document pregnant women and penalize out-of-state termination. I’m TERRIFIED of getting pregnant. It would ruin my life. He knows my feelings. Every time I ask him about getting a vasectomy, he always says the same thing. “I’m too busy, I don’t have time, it’s invasive, seeing a urologist will take forever, they don’t even put you to sleep, etc.”

He’s a resident doctor. It’s true he is very busy. He works anywhere from 30-70 hours per week. I’m a PA student. I spend 50+ hours a week attending class and studying. But he has the luxury of taking time off. I do not. For the next two years, my schedule will be inflexible.

He claims vasectomies are just as invasive as a laparoscopic bisalp. I told him that’s simply not true, hence why general anesthesia is required for a bisalp and only local anesthesia for a vasectomy. Not to mention bisalps have a longer healing period and carry more risks than vasectomies. Considering his extensive medical knowledge, I was SHOCKED by his statement.

We are both in our twenties—it’s substantially harder for young women to find a provider who will sterilize them than it is for young men. I started looking for a provider months ago and found some promising leads. He hasn’t even done a Google search. I feel so disgusted, disappointed, and angry. He knows I’m terrified of getting pregnant. He knows bisalp is the more invasive procedure.

He knows the entire process of finding a provider, scheduling the appointment, having the procedure, and then recovering post-op will be more difficult, time consuming, and expensive. I asked him why he’s so unwilling to have the procedure. Is he scared? Does he want children? He said no to both, then repeats the same excuses.

I finally told him to forget it, and that I’ll go ahead with the bisalp. But intimacy is off the table and will be for the foreseeable future. Despite being on birth control, I’m no longer willing to take the risk. He thinks my reaction is unfair. AITAH?

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

Edit 1: Wow. Crazy how many people crawled out of the woodwork to tell me I’m punishing my husband by refusing intimacy. As if my body is a toy being taken away from him. Disgusting.

Edit 2: No one is entitled to physical intimacy. Not even in marriage. I am not “using $3x as a weapon” as some of you vile individuals claim. I am protecting myself from unwanted pregnancy.

My attitude toward intimacy evolved with my state’s legislature. Contraception was sufficient until I lost access to ab0rti0n. Being forced to carry and birth an unwanted child would ruin my life. That is not a risk I’m willing to accept for anyone.

And the commenters had a lot to say.

offbrandbarbie wrote:

There’s probably something deeper going on here. My guess would be even though he doesn’t want children at this point, he’s scared of removing the option from the table completely.

People often say vasectomies are ‘reversible’ and they can be, but that’s not a given and for anyone reading you should never go into a vasectomy banking on that as a non-permanent form of birth control. It’s meant to be permanent just like a tubal ligation. I think that your husband needs to open up about how he’s really feeling because I think he’s withholding his emotions about this right now.

OP responded:

We discussed freezing our gametes “just in case.” He said he doesn’t see the point because he will never want children. I know for damn sure I’ll never want children, so I took his word for it. That discussion was 3-4 years ago. I think it might be worth revisiting. I agree there must be something deeper here.

annang wrote:

You’re not “withholding” anything. Intimacy is not something he’s entitled to have you perform for him. It’s a decision the two of you make together. And you made the decision that you as a couple would use vasectomy as your form of birth control. You’re not withholding anything by saying you’re not going to consent to s3! that you believe is unsafe, and that you both agreed you wouldn’t have.

Tenzipper wrote:

Tell him to f#$king quit being a little B. My vasectomy took about 15 minutes and the worst part was the lidocaine. Getting stung in the taint by bees sucks, but that only lasts for seconds. As for the urology excuse, almost any doctor can do it, I used my GP that I'd been seeing since I was 6 years old.

I almost cancelled my walking 18 holes the next day, but ibuprofen saw me through, and not having to worry about getting my wife pregnant was very freeing.

NTA. Don't let him near the goal until he makes the play.

MacGruber46 wrote:

I'm a husband, neither of us wanted kids. I got the vasectomy. Super easy, barely an inconvenience. I wasn't put under and left 15 minutes later. The pain was so minor that regular ibuprofen was fine. Best decision I ever made. Also so many guys worry that after a vasectomy their sex drive or performance suffers. Not the case at all. I'm in my mid 30s, and my s## drive is fine.

Dazzling_Treacle wrote:

For someone who is supposed to care about you greatly he is showing less than none. I'd have to rethink my relationship in this situation. First he is being dishonest about something and refuses to communicate what his real issue is. Second he is willing to have you go through something much more invasive for reasons he will not disclose.

I believe the dude is keeping his options open in case the marriage doesn't work out. Many women will not have a man who doesn't want children. And he is not willing to pare down his choices by doing something he can't undo.

You do absolutely know that his excuses are bogus; as you said you're boggled by them because he is a doctor and you know he knows better. Since you know that you absolutely do not want children, go ahead with your plan. It's the only way you can be sure. As to sex...not only can you not take the chance of getting pregnant but really his attitude and care for you and dishonesty has to be a real turn off.

You need to consider that the evidence is pretty clear that he never intended to have a vasectomy therefore he has been lying to you for over 3 years...since your first discussion. I would not be able to trust a guy who would do this. What else would/has he deceived you about. It's obvious that he's willing to as long as it suits his purposes.