'AITA for yelling at my friends and leaving dinner after they gave me an intervention?'

"AITA for yelling at my friends and leaving dinner after they all made fun of me and gave me a gay intervention?"

I (21F) went out to dinner with 5 friends, 1 guy, 4 girls. For context, I look very masculine (short hair, deep voice, no makeup, masculine style, etc.), sometimes I get mistaken for a man.

Usually if it's by someone I'm never gonna see again i.e. cashier/waiter I don't really care to correct them. My friends and I were having dinner at a nice fancy place and the waiter came to our table and he mistook me for a man. One of my friends responds "Oh, she's not a man, she's just a lesbian."

Everyone laughs and the waiter apologized. After he left, I asked my friend "why did you say that?" I have never said or indicated in any way that I'm a lesbian, because I'm not. I've never had a boyfriend, but that's because I'm not interested in a romantic relationship, but we have talked about male celebrities we find attractive.

I thought it was clear I was straight. My friend rolled her eyes at my question and said "Oh c'mon, we all know you're a lesbian." I was shocked. More friends jumped in and said "yeah, you don't have to lie to us." I wasn't lying.

They started making jokes about me "dressing like a lesbian", "hiding my s-xuality", "being in a glass closet", "everyone knows", "it's 2025 no one cares", etc. It all seemed like it wasn't a joke and they actually believed it. One of my friends Eva even joked "you were obviously in love with Ines". I showed genuine shock at this remark and she reassured me "It's okay, we all don't mind if you're gay."

Ines was an on/off childhood friend of mine and our friendship ended badly a few months ago, I was very upset by it and confided in my friends. I never thought they would use it against me.

I told them firmly that I'm not a lesbian, this isn't funny and I was not in love with Ines.

Once they saw I was being serious about this, their tone and attitude became less jokey. They started lecturing me on self-acceptance, being in denial, internalized homophobia (I'm not homophobic), heteronormativity, compulsory heteros-xuality, etc. It was like some sort of gay intervention. I found it absolutely ridiculous.

I yelled at them for being bad friends because I couldn't even dress how I want or talk to them about my troubles and I left the restaurant.

It's the morning after and I have serious regret, I don't know what to say to them and what to do. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Tiggie200 wrote:

NTA.

As a single, 46-year-old woman, who doesn't wear make-up, hates shopping (even before my phobia of people), prefers singlets and mid thigh length shorts (otherwise it's too hot), haven't dated in 23 years.

I haven't done it in that time either, and even as a teenager had no interest in dating and was a tomboy growing up, there is nothing wrong with you. Your friends, on the other hand, are not real friends. Why they'd double down and not apologise is beyond me.

The only thing I can think is they don't know how to admit they're wrong.

Everything they used as examples for you to be supposedly a Lesbian is all surface level crap. In all my time I have never been told I'm a Lesbian. Who cares what year it is, just because it's widely accepted now doesn't mean that's what you are.

Never, in my life, have my true friends doubled down instead of apologising and moving on. How old is your friend group? I don't care about my appearance because I'm comfortable with who I am. Need to go out? Let me throw on my bra, a shirt and shorts, put my hair in a pony tail and we're off in 5 minutes flat. For me it's all about comfort.

Either your friends accept you for who you are or they aren't worth knowing. I refuse to socialise with anyone putting their socially accepted norms on me. I'm single, child free, comfortable and happy. That's all that matters. Your friends only want what's best for you. Anything less is not worth your time and effort. Support, not judgemental teardowns.

Nystagmoid wrote:

NTA. They should be the ones with regrets not you. It’s your place and your place only to decide what your sexuality is, even if you were gay outing you like that would be far from OK, and insisting that they know your s*xuality better than you is disgraceful and disrespectful.

Gender non conforming people have as much right to present how they want as anyone else.

You can be a masculine looking straight woman and you have as much right to that identity as they do to theirs whatever that is.

TypeOneTypeDone wrote:

I dress the same way you do. I am occasionally confused for a dude, which I am obviously not (like I got DD breasts how do I look like a man?).

I’ve been told people thought I was gay, as well, but when I tell people “no I’m straight I have a fiancé who’s a guy,” they just apologize for mislabeling me and move on. Your friends are not good friends if they accuse you of “heteronormaty” and “homophobia” simply because you’re straight.

Like they literally had an intervention for you the same way homophobic parents do with their gay kids. That’s super fucking weird that they tried to dictate your s-xuality. NTA. I’d consider distancing these friends, or cutting them off and finding new ones. It’s hard and I won’t pretend it won’t suck but you deserve better.

DinaFelice wrote:

"I was really upset last night -- not because you thought I was gay, but because you refused to listen to me when I tried to correct your error. It's also super insulting that you were accusing me of homophobia.."

"Yes, you couched it in terms of 'internalized homophobia' but it's really insulting to assume I'm bigoted against gay people just because I wasn't willing to lie about my identity to placate you guys."

"It's also pretty insulting to actual lesbians to minimize their identity by assuming it's nothing more than a fashion statement. It's not supportive to virtue signal while literally dismissing someone's stated orientation just because you think you know more about their identity than they do."

NTA. It was very AH-ish for them to refuse to accept what you were telling them just because it didn't match their preconceived notions. And while yelling in public should be avoided -- if only to not bother other people minding their own business -- you were certainly provoked. And it makes sense to leave a situation where you are being bullied for your very identity.