'AITAH for 'bullying' my mother in law by sticking up for my wife?'

"AITAH for 'bullying' my mother in law?"

Context: My wife (30 F) and I (31 M) met four years ago and married last year, we didn't live together prior to the wedding due to me being sent out of state for my new command in the military, and she didnt want to uproot our (my stepkids but they are ours) kids in the middle of the school year.

My wife has OCD, constantly cleaning, everything is perfect, she has a certain way of doing things, and if it's not done her way, it leads to an anxiety attack. I tried to stay out her way for the most part, help where I can and over time she has since relaxed and now I contribute into helping around the house, cooking, cleaning etc. (Important info for later)

Now my wife is tough as nails in every other aspect, basically the complete opposite of a doormat, she is the nicest person but dont get on her bad side. Think the person that if told "I like that shirt" would try to rip it off her own body to give away, but if she saw a person bullying someone else, they better run because she will have fire in her eyes and WILL stand up for any person.

I've literally had to step in between her and a grown man for him making fun of a clerk's Indian accent in a shop. (She's 5ft tall, and this man was all of 6ft but basically shrunk to her size from her finger wagging and scalding). The ONLY person she won't stand up to.. her mother.

Her mother will berate her, judge her parenting, and just rolls her eyes and says "okay mom" but never more than that. From the moment I met her mother at the beginning of our relationship Ive brought this to her attention and she tells me to just "let it be".

Where I might be the AH:

The first time her parents visited us after we started living together, I realized where her OCD has stemmed from..her mother. My wife deep cleaned the house like the royals were coming, dusting, basically bleaching every crevis and crack, pretty much stuff that she has relaxed from over the last year.

The MOMENT her mom walked through the door she looked down and grimaced and refused to take her shoes off at the door as my wife requested because the floors were "suspicious" and might stain her socks.

She would check the glassware and make comments like "I can tell you didn't hand wash these prior to putting them in the dishwasher" and toss them in the sink. Again, my wife wouldn't say anything and just move on.

The next time my mother in law visited, I as the potatoes might consider "moved in the shadows". I sent my wife on a spa day, and cleaned the house just like my wife would, scrubbed, bleached, shampooed couches, put fresh sheets, dusted, you name it. I even mopped the floors right before my mother in law arrived.

As expected, the moment she walked through the door the comments started "oh my! Look at all this dirt" and pointed to a single grain of dirt? Fluff? Whatever is was probably fell off her grody shoes.

I smiled and hugged her and said "I'll get it, so sorry about that", next she sat on the couch and while we were chit chatting she started rubbing the cushion she was sitting on and said "oh goodness [insert wife's name] you have slacked off on caring for your furniture" I chimed in and took a page from the petty book "I'm actually the one who cleaned the couch, what exactly do you mean by that? Please explain."

She started back peddling, "oh I didn't mean it like that", "don't get so offensive". I asked her again "then what exactly do you mean, please just explain so I can understand." (I can see my wife from the corner of my eye trying everything to keep from bust out laughing, because she has caught on to what I did.)

I then told her that if she has a problem with how we clean, or care for OUR house she doesn't have to visit. She then said I was just bullying her for being "honest" and it's not that serious. To me it IS that serious, this has caused my wife to have alot of stress and I will stand up for her as she has stood up for others.

Mother in law hasn't talked to me since she left, and I've gotten a few text from family members saying that I shouldn't have "bullied" her because that's just how she is and I need to apologize but I'm not going to until she apologizes to me AND my wife for her comments. So, AITAH for bullying my mother in law?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Opposite-Ad-2223 said:

Keep up the good work and get your wife therapy to help give her tools to deal with her overbearing mother when your back is turned

OP responded:

She has started therapy and I'm so proud of her!

Altruistic_Ladder_19 said:

Great job! Keep up the good work!!!!

PenIndependent8557 said:

That is a hard NO! I'm so tired of reading about how families lay down and let bullies tread all over them just to "keep the peace" or excuse terrible behavior as "that's just how they are." Emotional abuse is never ok.

OP you did everything right. You managed to stand up for your wife and point out her mother's inexcusable attitude all in one fell swoop. If MIL can't keep snide hurtful comments to herself, she shouldn't be able to visit.

And Whole-Ad-2347 said:

NTA! You didn't bully MIL, you simply asked for an explanation of what she meant. She can dish out bullying, but not take any hint of responsibility for what she says.