'AITA for calling my husband’s family idiots? He's gotten quiet about them now.' UPDATED

"AITA for calling my husband’s family idiots?"

My husband’s family keeps giving us advice and I thought that advice was dumb so I told him and now he’s quiet. I will try to keep this short and to the point. I (31F) told my husband (32M) that his family is dumb. We have been married for 7 years and have built a beautiful life together. He is an amazing partner and father to our 2 girls and I love him dearly.

We met in college that was 6 hours away from our home cities, so we never really met each other’s families until the wedding. Everything seemed fine they were all so nice and accepting and I got along with everyone. There were occasional yellow flags and my husband warned me of some family members, but for 2 years everything was great.

Then I got pregnant with our first daughter. (I will now list out the major flags O have clocked)

-We had been trying for a year and had a few miscarriages. His sister responded with “ugh this baby is going to be more important than me! And has already ruined our plans for the summer”

-While pregnant in 2020 height of C0VID I find out alone that my placenta wasn't giving her enough nutrients and oxygen so we had to induce labor so she could grow. I was so sad and scared so I just made a general FB post to inform family and friends.

His mom's response “why did all these people on Facebook find out about this before me?!” Didn't ask how I was or the baby, just mad she wasn't the first to know.

-Daughter is perfect, she is beautiful, silly, full of attitude, and happy and autistic. His mother comments on the size of her nose, and how dark she gets in the summer. (I'm Black and my husband is white).

Now the moment I commented on his family (I finally lost it) was when his uncle told us that we just needed to feed her raw milk for 6 weeks to cure her! I'm not confrontational so I told them that's not how Autism works and its not some deadly disease that needs curing. When we were home, I was fuming and I said his family were a bunch of idiots.

He got real quiet and hasn’t brought it up. But now when his mom calls he doesn’t really tell me about it and sometimes leaves the room. I know some of what I was feeling was justified, but should i not have told him how I felt about some of his family members?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

5ftgoliath wrote:

I'm leaning NTA. What you said was mild based on their behavior. Does your husband not call his family out on any of this behavior?? If not, I hope you have a talk with him about it, because imo that's a yellow flag, hell maybe even a red one. Like these are absolutely unacceptable. I hope he doesn't just ignore their comments.

OP responded:

The nose comment was made when he wasn’t around. Most of the time hes just flabbergasted and doesn't know how to respond

123455 wrote:

Info - what has your husband’s response been to all of these comments by his family?

OP responded:

When the comment is first made he is usually caught off guard and differs to me for immediate comments. He finally started therapy to address his trauma responses to his mom and sister and he has noticed how unhinged they can be.

Anoncommenter wrote:

NAH. NTA. His family is a bunch of idiots. Not your fault. Hopefully hubby fall far from the tree.

OP responded:

He fell very far, which is why when I got to know his family better, I was shocked. Thankfully we still live 6 hours away from them so we see them 1-2 times a year

[deleted] wrote:

I’m tryna understand how the conclusion was made that the baby is autistic when she was a brand new baby or am I missing something.

OP responded:

She was diagnosed when she was 3, these are just comments made over the years.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Wow thank you for all the comments and advice, I was not expecting such a reaction! I just wanted to clear some stuff up real quick before the update.

These are all comments and micro-aggressions made over the past 4 years. And my husband isn't tuned into those so most of them so over his head.

When I made the Facebook post it was just to inform friends and family she was coming earlier and we called his mom the next day because she is old and knew she doesn’t go on Facebook, and my parents so they heard it from us still.

My daughter was diagnosed with ASD and ID when she was 3. I knew she was a little neurodivergent princess way before then so we jumped on all early interventions and therapy to make sure she had a great life and we know how to be good enough parents.

Now for the update.I took some people's advice and just had a real conversation about why I felt the way I did about his family and I apologized for my language because it is his family. But it turns out he was clocking my reactions and their words for a while now. He was actually more upset that I had been keeping my feelings to myself for so long and didn’t talk to him about it.

He already barely tolerates his sister and calls her out every time she “wishes our daughter was normal and would just talk” hard eye roll. But the reason he's been leaving the room to talk to his mom is to screen her comments and so he can educate her on how not to suck. (He didn't say that but that's my interpretation) he is the golden boy and he doesn't want to strain my relationship with her anymore.

So when he thinks she is educated enough she will be allowed to have supervised visits. Thanks again if you have read this far. I know it's not piping hot tea, but that's the update. My husband was secretly trying to teach his mom that the internet does not equal a medical license and that I am in fact a proud black woman and she needs to think before she speaks.

The comments kept rolling in.

Residentminion wrote:

NTA, keep sticking up for your daughter. She does not need to be cured and raw milk is dangerous.

Imaginary-Newt-354 wrote:

NTA. I mean, your husband may not appreciate his direct relations being called idiots, but as his wife and mother of his daughters, you're allowed to 'call a spade a spade' (just like he is allowed to). If I was in your shoes, I possibly would have called them a lot worse.

Now, with regards to your question, 'should you have not told him?', I'll just say communication is really important in any relationship & you shouldn't feel like you can't tell your partner what you honestly think about things like this. If you didn't tell him now, you run the risk of it exploding into something bigger later on.

In terms of your husband's behaviour afterwards, speaking as a guy, I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he is just shielding you from their comments since you told him what you think. It's very much guy logic to go "well if XYZ says things that upset or frustrate my wife, I'll limit the opportunities they can potentially do that."

firefly232 wrote:

Your MIL is mad racist and I think you need to have a deep conversation with your husband about his own beliefs. His family have been very rude about you and to you and to your daughter. How does he feel about that?