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'AITAH for not wanting to raise my non-binary daughter's baby?' UPDATED 3X

'AITAH for not wanting to raise my non-binary daughter's baby?' UPDATED 3X

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Being a grandparent and fully raising a kid are two completely different levels of responsibility.

"AITAH for not wanting to raise my non-binary daughter's baby?"

My daughter came to me at 16 and said she was non-binary, but only sometimes. Like, some days she would feel more male than female and somedays she would feel like neither. She wanted me to ask her every day what day it was and then refer to her as that pronoun of the day. I told her that wasn’t going to fly (Growing up, I spent a lot of time on LJ during the ol’ ‘bun-self’ and ‘zen-self’ ‘zir-self’ days).

(People who think this is new to this generation are fooling themselves). I told her that I would call her the pro-noun she wanted, and do my best to remember it day to day, but she was going to have to tell me what she wanted for that day. I wasn’t going to play a daily guessing game. This went on for about a week or two until she finally seemed to grow tired or bored and just said I could call her ‘her’.

Though she still identifies as non-binary. Fine. (At least when it was going on she wanted ‘she, he, or they’ — I’m sorry but I couldn’t have done fox-self/fox-them with a straight face). So that’s the pronoun story and looking back where I think things started to go off the handle. Here’s my real question.

My daughter is now 18, pregnant, and seems to have lost her mind. Or I’m an AH. You choose. This year has been a struggle. She wanted to take a break year before she goes to community college, but can’t keep a job. Apparently, retail situations are too phobic against her non-binary state. (My child looks/acts/dresses exactly as a young adult female btw.)

When I ask how people are being phobic against her she gets as prickly as a cactus so I really don’t know the details. She’s been through 4 or 5 jobs this year, quit all of them. She won’t consider call centers that aren’t face to face because she doesn’t like to talk on phones, and is apparently looking for a remote job without any luck.

She’s been unemployed since Thanksgiving (she quit her last job on Black Friday, in fact) and I was on the verge of laying down the law, telling her she either needs to go to school this upcoming semester full time or get a full time job or move out with her friends.

But now she’s come to me and she’s 5 months pregnant. She’s very angry at me, says it’s my fault because:

I didn’t put her on puberty-blocking hormones when she came to me 2 years ago.

She believes I am in fact trying to ‘feminize her’ by getting her birth control. (The pill.). She’s been throwing her prescription away.

This is where I might be the AH. I called her a little idiot. We don’t use that sort of language in my house, and I never call people names—especially my own child— but at that moment I could just see red.

The hormone thing is a non-issue IMO because this is the first time I ever heard of her wanting hormones. What was I supposed to do? Go back in time? As for the birth control! It’s also the first time I’m hearing anything about this! There are non-pill options that don’t have estrogen. If that was her want, all she had to do was ask and I would have driven her to the doctor myself!

Or she could have taken the car she has and done it. She has her own medical card, even! Though to be fair, I don’t know how she would have managed the co-pay without a job. I know for a fact her old high school gave out free c-ndoms like candy because her friends were always giggling over flavored sample packs and even blew a few of them up like balloons and left them around the house one time.

She had all the birth control she could ever want and used none of it. It gets worse. We’re way past the date of ab-rtion (again, I would have helped her if this had been her wish! We live in an abortion protected state and can afford it!). She’s known she was pregnant since about 2 months and has come to think of her baby like a sibling.

She expects me to raise it like it was mine. That this is my duty, in fact, because she says it is my refusal to accept her non-binary state that led to her being pregnant. So she was going to get a brother or sister and I was going to have another child. You can say my language grew…sterner.

Versions of ‘get your head out of your ass’ and ‘congratulations, Mommy, you have some hard decisions to make’ and I said I would absolutely not raise her baby for her. She also refused to say who the father was. Now that I’ve cooled down I’m really hoping she has a secret boyfriend. She does have some friends who were born male, but now also don’t identify that way.

We didn’t even get there as I lost my mind when she said she thinks of her own baby as a sibling and wants me to raise it like my own child. She’s locked herself in her room loudly wailing, I feel like crap warmed over. She’s been in there for 12 hours, and as she has an attached bathroom, probably won’t be coming out until she gets hungry.

Considering it’s been half a day I think she has snacks stored. I also don’t know where to go from here. Being pregnant sucks and messes with your head, so I’d like to blame that and the fear she must be feeling, but…I have the bad feeling I either raised a spoiled brat or someone with an emerging personality disorder.

So I need to know from people who aren’t emotionally involved, and maybe some people who are more in tune with this whole nonbinary thing than I am. What do I do to help while also making her responsible for her own child?

How can I help my daughter accept she must do basically the most feminine thing you can do (give birth and possibly breast-feed) while being sensitive that she’s non-binary? Am I just a big AH here? Typing all this out it feels like my daughter is lost in crazy town. I'm still not raising her baby but at what point do I drag a legal adult to the hospital?

Not long after posting, OP shared a small edit/update.

Edit: You might disagree with my choices or wording, but I'm reporting people who call this bait. It's not.

Edit 2: It's the middle of the night and she has decided to pack some of her clothes and stay with one of her friends. (One who I suspect is the baby daddy). Before she left she told me that she already called the police and let them know that she was 'leaving of her own free will and was not in danger'. Like I was going to report an 18 year old adult as a runaway or something? It was insulting.

I told her she needs to work out details if she wants to adopt with the father, and she was welcome back home when she had a plan in place. It was short because I heard her on the way out. I think she just meant to leave without saying anything. Thank you for your kind comments and advice, Reddit. I'm going to sleep.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Gnd_flpd wrote:

NTA.

I hate to say this, but; I sincerely hope OP's daughter chooses to give up this baby for adoption, because she's a confused hot mess. I don't blame OP for not wanting to step on the crazy train and raise this baby.

EverybodyWants2BaKat wrote:

NTA, your child is in fact a little idiot, with behavior that would be an absolute nightmare had you not been their parent. Also birth control isn’t a form of feminization, it’s a form of responsibility when you’re born in a body with a uterus and want to have s-x that can result in pregnancy.

OP responded:

"Also birth control isn’t a form of feminization, it’s a form of responsibility when you’re born in a body with a uterus and want to have s-x that can result in pregnancy." Ugh, I wish I had those words when she hit me with that one. I sort of sputtered for a few minutes.

Beneficial_Breath22 wrote:

NTA. Even if she is non-binairy, and doesn't want to take hormonal birth control. Lots of cis-women don't like hormonal birth control either, too many side effects. But did she know a wonderful thing that is called c-ndoms?

Available everywhere, easy to use, safe for pregnancy and diseases. She still have a v-gina, whatever the gender she identify with, and accepting a p-nis inside it without birth control means risking getting pregnant.

diabliiito wrote:

NTA. Apparently your daughter expected you to somehow read her mind. It’s sad she doesn’t appreciate everything you’ve done for her and only wants to have more and more from you.

Also she’s adult now and should take the responsibility for her own child by herself. I’m sure you’ll be there for here anyway when she gives birth - you are her mom after all - and hopefully she’ll grow up and understand what was wrong in her behavior.

OP responded:

Thanks. It is hard because a part of me does want to step in and make it go away, but wow has she dug herself into a deep deep hole. I'm still reeling, emotionally.

jjjjjjj30 wrote:

Your daughter has a serious victim complex and I think you're onto something with the personality disorder. Get her into therapy asap. I really hope she places the child for adoption. BTW, I got pregnant when I was 15. I had a job the next week.

It was summer time and I woke up at 6:00 am to be at McDonald's by 7:00 and worked until 3:00 pm 5 days a week until school started back then I worked 4 hours after school every day until I gave birth. I had enough money saved up to cover my daughters expenses until I graduated HS.

I lived with my parents until I graduated and didn't pay bills but my parents never had to so much as buy a diaper for my daughter. They babysat when they wanted to. Not bc they had to. It's doable if she cared enough.

Her feeling her unborn child is a sibling to her is concerning, unhealthy and entitled. She needs a mental health professional asap. Not only to address her mental health issues but also bc she only has a few months to decide if she wants to parent this child or place it for adoption.

Proud_Ad_8830 wrote:

Your child is way overdue for therapy and a wake up call. This poor child she’s carrying….yikes!

OP responded:

Yes. My worry and regret have so many places to go and a big part of it is for the baby.

This has been a bad day. :(

Over two weeks later, OP shared an update.

Hi, this is an update to this post (Long story short my 18 year old NB daughter wanted me to raise her baby, and she told me she thinks the baby as her sibling. We had a blow-out, she locked herself in her room for most of a day, and then took off with her friends/her lover). So this happened a few days ago but I didn’t update because I needed to get my head around it. It still doesn’t make sense.

Daughter finally unblocked me. She and the person who got her pregnant wanted to talk to me at a public place. We chose iHop. Although I suspected I knew who her lover was, I was disappointed to find out because they have been a part of my daughter’s friend group since high school and was the only one I ever had a problem with and kicked out of my house.

They are trans now but two years ago the friend group was watching a movie in the living room, and every time I’d pass by, he (he was a he then) would lock eyes with me and make really obnoxious, loud, orgasm sounds like that scene in Harry Met Sally. I told him to knock it off and grew sterner when he did it again.

Then when I was in the kitchen, he somehow snuck up behind me and was miming jack-off movements with his hand. I turned around and caught him at it. He was still fully clothed, but it was startling and freaky. I kicked him out.

So now I’ll just call them Sperm-donor because that’s what they are.

I’m still calling my daughter ‘my daughter’ and ‘she’ because I still haven’t been told not to by her otherwise. So get off my case on that.

Anyway, the iHop meeting was a shit-show. Sperm-donor sat with my daughter and went on the attack. Sperm-donor’s points were:

I was p*isoning my daughter by “making” her take birth control. (I only helped her get the prescription and would have done everything I could if I knew she didn’t want to take the pill. There are other methods!)

It will take years to “fix” my daughter after all I did. (Not giving her hormones even though I had no idea that was what she wanted. She dropped even wanting to change her pronouns after a few weeks.)

Ab-rtion is a sin and I am a monster for suggesting it. (It’s past the date anyway.)

I am further ab-sing her by not taking care of the baby while she fixes herself. (I guess they meant it as a temp situation which was also new to me.)

So apparently even though I’m an ab-sive monster, a bad mother, and so on, I’m even worse for not taking in their baby. At least no one suggested that I raise it like my daughter’s sister anymore. That might have been my daughter’s thought on it.

Sperm-donor did most of the talking while my daughter just sat and glared at me, nodding along. It was kind of a whirlwind, Sperm-donor pounded the table a few times, and even the waiter knew not to bother us after drinks, lol. I’m surprised we weren’t asked to leave. There was a lot said, mostly by the sperm-donor who really seemed to be steering the ship.

I asked why sperm-donor couldn’t take care of the baby and sperm-donor said their parents were even worse than me. I guess my daughter and sperm-donor taking care of the child they created is out of the question. I told them that I would not be raising their baby for them and that adoption is the best bet. They said that if I don’t agree to raise it, they’ll make sure I’ll never see the baby ever.

I won’t raise their child for them. So that’s that, I guess. I feel so many flavors of worried and angry and then worried all over again. I’ve been around the block and it’s never a great sign when the person you’re with makes an enemy of your family. That’s what sperm-donor has done by painting me as an abuser and failed mother who also won’t take in their baby.

Sounds like sperm-donor has cut themselves off from their own family too. So I’m worried my daughter is in a very controlling relationship with someone who convinced her to stop birth control because they think hormones are too feminizing somehow and that she needs to be “fixed.”

But they still want me to raise their baby.

I’m angry that my daughter can just hear this crap and nod along like, yeah, that makes total sense. She is not stupid. I think she’s love blinded. I’m sad and worried for the baby.

A couple commenters suggested I wanted nothing to do with the baby because I wouldn’t agree to raise it as my own. No, in a perfect world, I would want a normal grandmotherly relationship. Or at least know that the child is safe and has been adopted into a loving family. I don’t care what my daughter does with her gender, or her body as long as she doesn’t hurt herself.

I want her to be in a happy relationship with someone who values her for who she is. Sperm-donor kept using the word ‘fix’ which I see as another terrible sign. It’s bad all around. My house is empty. It feels like my adult daughter has run off to join up with some weird church/cult thing who tells her that up is down.

That not using birth control and not getting an abortion and then expecting others to take care of the child is all a-okay. Oh and that she’s a problem and needs to be “fixed." I texted her and said I would be there for her, but sperm-donor was still not welcome in the house. I think I’m blocked again.

She’s a legal adult. I’m not sure what else I can do at this point? In my low points, part of me thinks maybe I should agree to take the baby and then immediately make sure it’s adopted into a loving home. But I get the feeling that sperm-donor won’t make that easy, and right now my daughter does what he says. Also I’m not sure if that plan is even possible. It sounds Hollywood.

I have an appointment to speak with a councilor, but the soonest I could get is April. Some of my friends think I should take the baby in either to get them away from the parents or because they think it’s my duty, or both. The only silver lining in this was that they both seemed sober. I don’t think there’s drugs involved. Am I reading this wrong? Am I the AH here?

People had a lot to say in response.

Tannim44 wrote:

For your safety, I would change the locks and put up camera, Sperm-doner seems unhinged. I’m a firm believer in better safe than sorry.

Beautiful-Report58 wrote:

This baby will be used as a pawn in his never ending psycho drama. If they do not and cannot raise their baby, the best solution is adoption. Otherwise, the father will make your life a living hell.

NTA.

OP responded:

"This baby will be used as a pawn in his never ending psycho drama."

I couldn't figure out a polite way of saying this, but yes. That is my suspicion if I take in their baby.

Sperm-doner implied it would be temporary while earlier my daughter said it would be permanent. I think Sperm-doner will refuse to sign over paperwork when the time comes or try to leverage it in some way.

Fragrant_Spray wrote:

NTA. So their argument is that:

You are a terrible parent.

Their morals don’t allow for a termination (which is too late anyway) but do allow for child abandonment.

They know how to parent better than you do (by telling you all the things you did “wrong”.

Take care of their child until they decide they want it back?

If you’re such a terrible parent, why would they want you to raise their child? Wouldn’t adoption be a better option? What they’re hoping for is to put their baby on layaway and come pick it up whenever they feel like it. They can’t do that with an adoption.

Lizardgirl25 wrote:

NTA also it sounds like your daughter is in an ab-sive relationship with this person. Sorry your daughter has been brain washed by this crazy person. I would definitely contact this sperm donor's family and if they seem sane warn them about how crazy both of spoke to you.

OP responded:

"NTA also it sounds like your daughter is in an ab-sive relationship with this person. Sorry your daughter has been brain washed by this crazy person."

That is my fear, and not a bad idea to contact Sperm-doner's parents. This has all happened so far, I feel like I'm in shock and I'm very worried.

Live-Log1436 wrote:

This is crazy. You are NTA. Go to therapy, because this is a lot to feel and deal with. Good for you for seeking out help from someone. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You reached out and let your daughter know you’d be there for her but with a boundary. There’s nothing else you can do about this situation. They are adults and this baby is their responsibility, not yours.

A little over three months later, OP shared another update.

I logged in and received a large amount of requests for an update. Unfortunately I do not have one. I have not seen or heard from my daughter since the last meeting, and I believe she has changed her phone number.

Our community isn't a large one and I have heard through the grapevine she is staying with the Sperm Donor in one of the h0meless camps out in the woods. As this is a haven for d-gs and tr*fficking, this is a further concern. From what I've heard, she is pregnant.

Myself and a few friends and family members have driven through the camp area a few times on the lookout for her, but it's very large and there aren't exactly marked roads. Also, recently other people have been shot at while walking their dogs around there, or riding ATVs, so every time we go, it's a risk. So that's it.

I'm stuck hoping she's safe and under some kind of shelter (there are a lot of plywood houses and broken down RVs out there) and waiting to hear news when she has the baby. Yes, CPS and the local authorities are aware of my concerns. I'm worried the child will be born addicted to d0gs because I don't know anyone who doesn't live out there who isn't a m-hhead.

Thanks for your concern, all. I'm unsure what I'll do when the baby is born. I might have to take in the baby after all just to make sure it doesn't live in that camp, and it may make me the AH... but I am not looking forward to the hard work and drama that will come with it.

The internet was heartbroken.

busybeaver1980 wrote:

Oh my gosh OP, this just gets worse and worse. Prayers for that poor innocent baby.

catforbrains wrote:

"Have to take in the baby after all just to make sure it doesn't live in that camp, and it may make me the AH... but I am not looking forward to the hard work and drama that will come with it."

Oh man. This just gets worse and worse. You're not an AH for not looking forward to cleaning up this s-tshow that has occurred. You also wouldn't be the AH if you passed on taking the baby. This is going to be a lot of work and a lot of stress with SpermD being awful and the kid possibly needing to detox after being born.

Prudent_Valuable603 wrote:

You’re not responsible for the mess your daughter has created. You’re not responsible for raising a possibly d-g add*ted baby. Your daughter blocked you. Maybe someday she’ll realize her sperm donor is controlling and a total mind control AH. Please get therapy to deal with the conflicting emotions. Be strong.

Maxibon1710 wrote:

I hope your daughter and grandchild are safe, and I hope you can at least get your grandchild out of there if not both of them. I’m so sorry this is happening, OP.

EmotionalExcuse1 wrote:

Did CPS or authorities have any resources to give or suggestions? I’m only asking as in Canada we have social navigators with different 911 departments that keep track of transient individuals, as well as their locations. You can always leave your contact info and they’d connect with you for any updates.

Sources: Reddit
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