'AITA for refusing to talk to my ex after everything that happened? It hurts too much.' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for refusing to talk to my ex after everything that happened?"
I (34M) am struggling with whether I’m in the wrong for refusing to talk to my ex, Sarah (29F, not her real name). There’s a lot of history here, and I’ll do my best to explain everything clearly. In mid-2022, I met Sarah at work, and we hit it off immediately. I fell for her quickly, and it didn’t take long before we started dating.
However, early in our relationship, Sarah broke up with me over something minor. To make matters worse, she made a scene in front of everyone at work. I was devastated but didn’t want to leave my job at first. Eventually, I realized I still had feelings for her, and seeing her every day became too painful. That’s when I decided to quit and find a new job.
We lived close to each other, so we bumped into each other frequently over the next few months. We started talking again, but even though I still had feelings for her, I couldn’t bring myself to consider getting back together. What she had done hurt me deeply. After a couple of months, she told me she regretted breaking up with me over something so minor.
She admitted that doing it in front of everyone was wrong and that she had been thinking about it ever since. She seemed genuinely remorseful, and I could see she meant it. Feeling that her apology was sincere, I asked if she wanted to give our relationship another try. She agreed, and by early 2023, we were officially back together.
One year later, things were going great. We talked about marriage and building a future together, which made me feel ready to take the next step. I decided to surprise her with a proposal and started working extra hours to save for a house, so we could marry not long after.
I didn’t tell her why I was working so much because I wanted it to be a complete surprise. Then, out of nowhere, she asked for a break. I was blindsided, and when I asked why, she refused to explain. Around the same time, I noticed she had been talking nonstop about a new guy at her workplace. But suddenly, she stopped mentioning him altogether, which made me suspicious.
Confused and hurt, I reached out to one of my close friends, Emily (not her real name), who, along with her boyfriend, still worked at the same place as Sarah. I vented to Emily about what was going on and asked if she knew anything. She said she didn’t because she worked in a different department, but she promised to ask around. A few days later, Emily got back to me.
She told me that Sarah had been feeling like I was distant lately, especially with me working extra hours and not going out much. Emily said some of Sarah’s colleagues had been encouraging her to take a break, claiming I wasn’t treating her well and wasn’t as invested in the relationship. On top of that, they were trying to match her up with the new guy at work, saying they’d make a better pair.
I told Emily about my plans to propose and buy a house for Sarah and me. That was the reason I’d been working so much, I wanted to surprise her with something big.
After about two weeks, Sarah called me and asked to meet up.
I agreed but told her upfront that I needed an explanation for why she wanted a break before we could discuss anything else. She brought up how distant I had seemed, saying it made her feel like I wasn’t as invested in the relationship anymore. I told her that if she had just talked to me about it, she would’ve known there was a reason for my behavior, but now, it didn’t matter anymore.
Then she mentioned the new guy at her workplace. I said his name before she could, and she looked surprised, asking how I knew. I told her I wasn’t an idiot, I’d noticed how she suddenly stopped talking about him after bringing him up all the time. She swore that she had never cheated on me. I replied that looking for someone better at the first sign of trouble could be considered cheating by some.
At that point, I told her I didn’t want to hear whatever else she had to say. Whether or not she wanted to get back together didn’t matter, I was breaking up with her regardless. The breakup deeply hurt me. I couldn’t bear staying in the same place, so I asked my company for a transfer and used the money I’d saved for the proposal to start over in a new city.
While talking to Emily, the friend I had vented to before, she apologized to me. She admitted that she had slipped up and told Sarah about my plans to propose and buy a house. Emily said Sarah broke down crying after hearing that. I appreciated Emily’s honesty, but it didn’t change what had happened.
By mid-December last year, I returned to my hometown to spend Christmas and New Year’s with my family. Some friends wanted to organize a party to get everyone together, since many of us, myself included, had moved away and were only visiting for the holidays. Sarah was invited too.
We barely interacted that night, just a quick “hi” in passing. At one point, I glanced at her and saw her smiling while chatting with a group of women. That smile brought back so many memories. I realized that seeing her smile still made me feel the same way I did the first time I saw it. I thought to myself, “How screwed up am I that I still feel this way?”
Despite those lingering feelings, I was still sad and deeply hurt by how things had ended. Looking back, I also started to blame myself. I should have paid more attention to how she was feeling. I could have told her about the extra work and why I was doing it. Maybe things would have turned out differently.
Later that evening, one of my friends mentioned that Sarah’s relationship with the guy from her work had only lasted a couple of months. After the holidays, I planned to return to the city where I now lived. My vacation ended on January 6, so I decided to leave on Friday. That way, I’d have Saturday to sort everything out at home and prepare for the week ahead, with Sunday to relax before going back to work.
Before I left, one of my friends from back home called me. He said he had a favor to ask on behalf of someone else and warned me that I wouldn’t like it. I could already feel my stomach sinking. Then he told me it was Sarah. She was moving to the same city where I lived to work at her relative’s company, and she needed a ride. He asked if I could take her.
I didn’t even think about it before I said no. The idea of being stuck in a car with her for hours was too much to bear. It would’ve been painfully awkward, just like the party, and I wasn’t ready to put myself through that. He told me that Sarah and I needed to talk, but I wasn’t having any of it.
I went back home, and last week, I went for a run and stopped to rest a little in a park when I heard a familiar voice say, “Hi.” It was Sarah. She tried to start a conversation by asking how I was and mentioning that we didn’t get a chance to talk at the party, but I cut her off, saying I didn’t want to talk to her.
She told me not to be like that, that we needed to have a conversation, but I said no. She asked how I could still resent her after almost a year and after everything we’d been through, but I told her it wasn’t resentment. I was very honest, I told her that thinking about her, talking about her, or even seeing her still hurts a lot, and that’s why I couldn’t talk to her.
She said that was exactly why we needed to talk. I didn’t see the point. I just walked away. Since then, Sarah’s tried to approach me twice more, and I’ve shut her down both times. Some of my friends think I’m being too harsh and that I should talk to her for closure. Others say it’s not okay to “torture” her over what happened forever.
But that’s not what this is about. I don’t have any resentment or negative feelings toward her anymore. I even recognize now that I share some of the blame. But it still hurts. I can’t talk to her because it’s like reopening an old wound that never fully healed. So, AITAH for refusing to talk to her?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
clearheaded01 wrote:
NTA. She wants closure because SHE needs it...
Don't do it - leave her behind...remember - first sign of trouble and she ran of to cheat with some creep...she deserves nothing but contempt and silence.
OP responded:
I don't know if that's the case, really. 50/50.
UsedAd507 wrote:
Some people might say you need closure, but it seems like you’ve already processed a lot of the situation, and talking to her could just bring up more pain. You don’t owe her anything, especially when it’s affecting your well-being. You’ve already made it clear how you feel, and you’re setting boundaries, which is important for healing.
OP responded:
That's what I think, but I don't know, sometimes I'm not sure.
UncleNedisDead wrote:
Moving to your city, wanting a ride there where you’re trapped in the car with her for hours, ignoring your rejections and being persistent? Those are not the actions of someone who wants closure to move on. That’s is someone trying to wiggle their way back into your good graces.
OP responded:
Good point.
Ancient-Exercise-640 wrote:
Once was a mistake, twice was a lesson and a third time is you being stupid. That’s like watching the same movie but expecting a different ending, don’t do it to yourself!
OP responded:
There won't be a third time, I was already sure about not going back to her, and you guys' comments are helping me make up my mind about not talking to her.
OP added this after reading the comments:
Thank you all for your advices. I just want to explain better one thing: my friends are not calling me or messaging me saying that I should talk to her, that’s just the opinion of some of them when the subject was brought up.
Six days later, OP shared an update.
Hey everyone, I wanted to give an update and thank you all for your input. I took the time to read through every comment, and while I didn’t respond to all of them, it was only because I didn’t have anything to add.
I’m truly grateful for everyone who shared their thoughts. It has been incredibly helpful. After reading everything and thinking it through, I’ve decided to stick to my decision not to talk to Sarah. Something I forgot to mention in my original post (though I did tell a few commenters) is that I blocked her everywhere after we broke up the second time.
Over the last few days, it seems like her persistence has started to backfire. Some of our mutual friends, including the ones who initially told me I should talk to her, have become frustrated with her constant attempts to contact me. Apparently, they’ve started turning on her because of it. Three days ago, Emily, the friend I vented to back then, made a post on social media about stalkers.
She didn’t name Sarah, but a lot of people picked up on what she meant. I’ve also seen several comments on my original post suggesting that Sarah might have been stalking me. Her job in the same city and her "coincidental" appearance at the park all line up with that theory. For what it’s worth, I know her uncle owns a company here, so maybe that is really why she moved.
But honestly, it's not my problem, and I'm not gonna look into it. Things have been quieter. Friends have dropped the subject, and Sarah hasn’t tried to reach out again. That is, until yesterday. I watched the UFC event with some coworkers. When it ended, I was heading to my car when my phone rang. It was one of our mutual friends calling.
She said she had been talking to Sarah and asked if she could pass along a message. I sighed but told her to make it quick. The message was simple: Sarah said she understands why I don’t want to talk to her. She promised she wouldn’t try to reach out again but added that she still thinks we need to talk. She said the door is open if I ever want to.
I told my friend I didn’t have a message to pass back and asked her not to bring up Sarah again in our conversations. If what Sarah said is true, it’s a relief, but I’m not holding my breath. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries something else. Maybe she thinks giving me space will make me go to her, but it won’t. That chapter of my life is closed. Right now, I just want to focus on myself.
I probably won’t be dating anyone anytime soon. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I need to get to know people better before jumping into a relationship. I’ve also been thinking about how loosely I use the word "friend." That is another part of my life I need to rethink. Some of the people I have called friends have proven they don’t have my best interests at heart.
A few people suggested therapy in the comments, and I’ll admit, it is something I've been considering. For now, I’m giving myself time to heal on my own, but if I still don’t feel right after a while, I will look into it. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to comment. Your advice has been a huge help in sorting all this out.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
Ksknitter wrote:
So the only thing I can say is that if she is pregnant, you would want a DNA test. (This is assuming something happened recently.) I would not put to pass her to get pregnant and try to pass the kid off as yours. The NIPP test is expensive but can be done in 8 weeks gestational time, so I suggest that one. It is also a simple blood draw for mom, so it's really not invasive.
OP responded:
No chance of that, our last time together was over nine months ago.
heart_loveely wrote:
Good for you for sticking to your boundaries. It sounds like you're taking positive steps for yourself.
OP responded:
Yes, just moving forward instead of thinking about the past.
Glenn_coco69 wrote:
This is exactly why monkey branching is a terrible dating practice. It's cheating with extra steps, that's why she keeps pushing. She knows what she did, just like she knows what she lost. Yet, Ironically she's too naive to understand that even if ya'll got back together, you don't look at her the same. That's totally understandable.
OP responded:
You're right, it would not be the same.
Far_Prior1058 wrote:
It sounds like you are doing well and moving on. Keep focusing on yourself and enjoying what you have. If you feel you need counseling do it when you are ready. Good luck.
OP responded:
I think now people around me understand my situation and what I truly need, that will help a lot.
mrsdonhenley2 wrote:
NTA. And I’m actually going through something similar. Thank you for giving me some clarification on my own situation. I was leaning into standing firm but was being told to “be the bigger person."
Friendships/relationships shouldn’t be inherently painful. Completely cutting off someone over something minor is an extreme overreaction. Even if they apologize, the trust is broken. If not gone. And once the trust is damaged, it’s hard to recover and see a future.
OP responded:
Good to know this whole thing ended up helping someone else.
2 weeks later OP came back with a second update:
There’s been no sign of Sarah these past few weeks, and no one’s brought her up in conversation either. That’s a good thing. Then, last Tuesday (feb 11) I got a DM from Sarah’s mother. She said she wanted to apologize for her daughter’s behavior and asked me to call her.
I’ve always had a great relationship with Sarah’s parents. They’re genuinely good people. Even during both breakups, they were always respectful and never overstepped.
I didn’t really want to talk about Sarah anymore, but I also didn’t want to ignore her mother. After thinking it over for a few minutes, I decided I’d call her. However, if she tried to convince me to speak with Sarah or anything along those lines, I’d politely end the conversation.
When she answered, she put me on speaker so Sarah’s father could join in. I half-expected to hear Sarah’s voice too, but fortunately that didn’t happen. The conversation itself was actually really good. They started by apologizing for Sarah’s recent behavior. I immediately told them they had nothing to apologize for, but they insisted, saying they felt it was the right thing to do.
They also told me they had no idea what had been going on until recently. Once they found out, they called Sarah and had a long talk with her. Her father admitted that it was the kind of conversation he’d expect to have with a teenager, not an almost 30-year-old woman.
Sarah promised them she’d stay away from me and seek therapy. I felt relieved, not just for myself, but for her too. Everything that happened between us wasn’t great, but I genuinely wish her the best. I hope she finds happiness. Before we ended the call, I thanked her parents and reiterated how much I respected and admired them.
Now, I can finally say with certainty that this is over. Sarah would never betray her parents’ trust. Thank you all for the advice. It really meant a lot.
Here's what people had to say after the second update:
I think its time to finally move on from all of this.
Wide_Trip8392 OP:
Yeah. I've been feeling better lately.
Oof, your parents having to apologize for you in your 30s is wild
My parents will be apologizing for me until the day one of us dies. Usually when I’m damn sure I have nothing to apologize for, which of course is exactly why apologies are owed. Fair is fair. I make my apologies for them too. We’re a very sorry cop kind of family
When I read the update about Sarah's parents calling, I thought it was to convince OOP to take her back. Good thing it was to reassure him that they had a hard talk with her and that she wouldn't be a problem anymore.
So glad to read that. But even if things start to look more peaceful for you, please consider therapy. Sarah hurt you deeply and not just once. She betrayed your trust and broke your heart in a way that even one year later it still hurts. Therapy is just so that YOU find closure and that your healing process can come to an end if you are ready.
Wide_Trip8392 OP:
Thanks, I haven't made a decision about that yet.
People say you need closure or clear the air to hear the other side, nah, throw that s&*^ out of the window. That s&^% never works at all cause it's useless and a waste of air.