'AITA for telling my friend how I feel about her pregnancy plans? She got mad at me.'

"AITAH for telling my friend how I feel about her pregnancy plans?"

I (F, 38) have been friends with Jill since high school. After graduation, she met her now ex-husband and moved across the country. Even though we didn’t live near each other, we stayed in touch.

When I got married years later, she was my maid of honor. Jill left her husband when their third kid was still a toddler (they had moved back to our city a year before that). She said her husband was a great guy but that she didn’t find him attractive anymore.

They co-parent now, and he’s still super supportive of her. Two years after they split, she met Ed, a child-free guy two years older than her. She got pregnant on their first date and tried to make it work for two years but eventually left him too. Ed’s a good guy, though—he even includes her older kids when he takes her youngest out.

Now she’s dating Dave, a guy we went to high school with. He had a crush on her back then, and they reconnected recently. He met her kids after four months, and things seem to be going well. When she came over the other day, she mentioned that Dave wants a kid of his own. Then she said, “I thought I was done having kids, but I’m thinking of pulling the goalie.”

I was shocked and said, “You’re kidding, right? You literally told me it was a mistake when you planned a ‘surprise’ pregnancy with Ed. Why are you doing this again? If he wants kids, maybe it’s a sign you shouldn’t be with him. You don’t need to have a baby just to hold onto him.”

She got mad and said, “This time, I have my older kids (14 and 15) to help out. It’s like having two live-in helpers! Soon they’ll have their driver’s licenses and can take the younger ones to their activities while Dave and I enjoy date nights.” Then she said, “Not everyone is lucky enough to meet the love of their life and live happily ever after! Get off your high horse.” She left in tears.

Later, my husband told me I should’ve kept my opinion to myself. He said, “You can’t change her mind; just be there for her when she needs you.”

Should I have just shut up? She hasn’t been replying to any of my messages.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Odd_Parsnip9297 wrote:

Did she commit SA and you knew about it? Both horrendous people.

OP responded:

I didn’t! When she told me she was pregnant with her last baby , I asked if she was planning to keep it or abort it since she just met this guy ! She said keep! Ed has a great job, he is gorgeous and kid free why abort?

Then when they broke up she told me when she met Ed she thought he was whole package and baby will bring them closer, that’s why she lied to him about being on BC. She cried and said it was a horrible mistake. That’s why I reminded her that she has already been through this! Don’t make the same mistake.

Tricky_Direction_897 wrote:

NTA. Your friend sure is, though.

OP responded:

I feel bad that she is planning to use her older kids as full time care. My point was if he wants kids then you are not right for eachother...move on instead of bringing more kids in this situation.

Inevitable_Pie9541 wrote:

NTA. She got upset because you're right, not because you're wrong.

Her having literal plans to use her older kids as mini parents so she and her latest man can go on date nights is really concerning.

It's all about pleasing this guy: he wants a kid, she'll pop out another kid, but wants to also keep him happy by still having couple fun on the reg, and she plans to accomplish that by dumping the new baby's care on her teenagers, rather than let them enjoy life. She's selfish, and uses her children to manipulate her love interests. It's backfired twice already. Some people never learn...

Ticosoon wrote:

NTA but if she had no problem SA'ing Ed (planning to get pregnant without his consent), then she's a shit human who isn't going to listen to reason. She also flat out admitted that she's going to force her kids to be indentured servants.

Parentification is a form of ab-se as well. Why would you even. Want this person in your life? I would warn Dave though, if you know him. Tell him what he's getting into (literally).

Pandamime421 wrote:

NTA. If four step-kids isn't enough for Dave he doesn't sound like he's worth holding on to. If having a "kid of his own" is so important to him it's likely he'd treat that kid differently than the others. Is that who someone with 4 existing kids wants to try parenting with?

Silverwheelspinner wrote:

NTA. There no point trying to talk any sense into her as she sounds a bit impulsive and not one for forward planning (I’m being polite). It’s a terrible idea but it’s her mess to make.

Your husband is right but I would question whether you want to ‘be there’ for her when it inevitably goes wrong. You don’t want to end up being the babysitter when her teenage kids , quite rightly, tell her to get stuffed/ go to college/move out and/or the relationship fails.

RealisticAnalyst4611 wrote:

Okay so red flag was when she said she wants her older 2 kids to take care of the youngest kids. That is not okay, let your children have their own lives, they are not live in nannies and drivers. If she can't raise the kid herself, she shouldn't have more.