'AITA for testing my husband's fertility behind his back?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITAH for testing my husband's fertility behind his back?"

Me (f33) and my husband (m31) have been together for 4years, married for 1 year. Last summer, when we got married, we decided to try for a baby and I stopped my birth control. I already have a daughter of almost 7y old from my previous relationship.

This relationship lasted 9 years and unfortunately ended 6 months after she was born because I caught my ex in an affair from almost a year. It wasn't hard to get pregnant, I got pregnant within a month after quitting birth control, carrying the pregnancy to full term was, I've had 6 misc-rriages before my daughter.

One evening, when my, now husband, boyfriend, daughter and me were at my mom's place for dinner and the topic kids came up, she (my mother) jokingly said to be ready because I get pregnant fast after stopping the pill. I don't know how, but the talk came to how it actually happens that women get pregnant while they take their pill, he said to not believe it would happen if you didn't forget it somewhere.

He had two long relationships before that and it never happened that they were late or whatever. (Yes this seems ridiculous to remember but wait) So, fast forward to last summer, I stopped birth control at the beginning of June.

I'm not mid twenties anymore so I didn't think any of it when October came and I still wasn't pregnant. Maybe my body needed longer to adapt or something. Still, at the end of October, I went to the hospital and got everything checked. I'm fine, fertile and absolutely able to get pregnant normally. I wanted to bring this up to my husband, to get him checked out too.

Then our world crashed. My daughter was involved in a horrible accident and passed away one week later. We did our best to support each other, which didn't always worked out how we wanted to. We fought a lot, cried even more, ignored each other, loved again. I'm sure that some might know the rollercoaster.

We both still go to therapy and finally, almost a year later, we don't break down in tears anymore while remembering something about her. I even managed to give away one of her toys last week to the neighbour's kid. (That's a huge thing, keep in mind that her room is still the same as when she left to school that morning.) All this time, our mind wasn't set on getting pregnant, but I also didn't start birth control again.

We did have s-x on a regular base. Don't judge us here, we were really trying to keep at least that connection while it felt like we were losing each other in the grief. It helped us becoming closer again and reminded us that we loved each other. The more I thought about it, the weirder it seemed that I still wasn't pregnant yet.

I bought a home test for male fertility. I pretended to spill his sperm on me 'by accident' and went to the bathroom 'to clean myself up.' I collected it in the jar, and did all the steps for the testing. It doesn't give an exact result. It just gives 'positive' for when there are enough cells to be considered fertile, or 'negative' when there are not.

The test came out negative. I did the same thing again two weeks later. Again negative. I brought it up, several times, to get him tested at the hospital, which every time resulted into: we're just stressed, ofc it won't happen. Now we got into a argument 2 days ago. We were both in bad moods from work, so the vibe wasn't great to begin with.

He talked about a baby room he saw online that looked pretty, and I said again that he should get himself an appointment at the hospital, that we might need help to get our wish fulfilled. He said that there was nothing wrong with him and blamed it on stress. At that point I rolled my eyes and was even more annoyed than I already was when coming home.

I stood up and ended the conversation with: I need to go to the store tomorrow to buy tampons because I will need them this weekend. He commented: you're always so negative, no wonder it won't happen. I just replied with: I home tested you. Twice. You can't. It won't happen. But sure, no one needs doctors, it's just stress.

He looked as if he was hit by a truck. He started yelling, later on crying. I get that I shouldn't have brought it that way. Now he's calling me the AH for even having the audacity to home test his sperm without telling him. AITAH?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Richard_Ovaltine wrote:

I feel incredibly sorry for what you and your family have been through and I don't think you were entirely wrong for home testing him. YTA however because you brought it to him in the most terrible, backhanded, nasty mean way possible.

You should've handled it delicately but instead you threw a gigantic issue in his face and told him in the worst way it's his fault. If I was him I'd probably think about your comment every single time I thought about my future kid.

jmilred wrote:

YTA here. That is a major violation of trust and privacy. Hospitals and doctors are on a different level than home kits. If you would have asked him to voluntarily do a home kit out of curiosity, the resulting conversations would have been very different. On a side note: I am very sorry about what happened to your daughter.

I can't even imagine what that must be like. Are you sure you guys are stable enough to bring another child into the world? This may be another point of contention for him. He may not be 100% ready for that right now but is leaving it up to chance/fate. Medical intervention is a completely different ballgame.

brokenhousewife_ wrote:

Yes, YTA. I'm sorry about your daughter, I truly am, and I hope you are seeing a therapist. However, this is a major violation, not once, but twice. In saying that, grief will make us act in ways that looking back, I don’t even recognize the person I was grieving. I hope you two can seek a therapist and work through it.

DivineGreekGoddess wrote:

YTA…a massive one! As sad as it is that you lost your child, your grief does not excuse or negate your poor judgment and violation of your husband. You need serious grief counseling. You violated his right to privacy, grief at his own time and his body.

Did it ever cross your mind that the reason why he did not want to get tested for fertility and kept stalling is because he was still grieving the loss of his child and felt guilt over wanting to have another one and was still processing? This is grounds for divorce. Shame on you!

A week later, OP shared an update.

Okay..first of all, thank you to the people who had some genuine advice. To answer some of the questions, it is not a money thing. My husband makes 7 figures a year, I obviously don't but I still earn a nice pay. I was, and still am, certain that he did not had a vasectomy.

To those who demanded in pm that I sent the documents to prove that my daughter died, I will not send them. To those who judge me for grieving wrong because I'm sometimes stressed from work, my job saved me from drowning. It gave me a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning and kick myself into breathing again.

Don't come at me how I should be ashamed of myself for 'not grieving the right way' when you have no idea how it feels to be dying on the inside, daily, over and over again. The 'I hope he gets all in the divorce' people, I'm sorry to disappoint you all, unless someone cheated, we have a prenup. I would walk out well provided, because in contrary of some assumptions, I am a good wife.

(No, the cheating clausule isn't there because one of us did already, we have it because his mother cheated on his father and walked away with millions for being unfaithful.) We went to therapy again, and obviously brought this situation up. Yes, I am the ahole for bringing it up during a fight.

However he even admitted he might have done the same if it was reversed. Apparently, he also noticed that I still wasn't pregnant and was honestly just scared that it would really be his 'fault'. He always wanted a family and kids, and it became more and more clear to him that something wasn't right but was too afraid to get it tested and that I would leave if he was indeed sterile. I will not.

Good and bad times, we promised each other that and for some that actually has a meaning. We did the home test again, together, with the right collecting methods. Unfortunately it came back negative. He has made an appointment at the clinic and can go there in two weeks to get his sperm checked properly.

We will see from there how it goes. Sorry that it isn't the most exciting update, but it is what is. We will still continue our therapy and work on healing together. Thank you for those with real advice and I wish you all the best in your life. (One more thing, I'm not trying to get a replacement kid.)

People were glad to hear an update.

rpfloyd18 wrote:

I’m glad that you are finally doing the right thing, the right way. This is a great start. Have you given any thought you could be the reason that you’re not getting pregnant? Maybe you should also get tested. Just because you were able to get pregnant previously doesn’t mean that your eggs are still viable.

A woman loses 90% of their eggs alone by age 30 and this doesn’t mean the at ones that have survived are of healthy good quality. It may save some time for you both to get tested! Good luck.

OP responded:

I got an ultrasound at the beginning of my cycle and the blood test to see if I still have enough eggs. (Last year October) Eggs are still present, more than average at my age, the blood test confirmed that.

Depending on how his test comes out, we decide what we do next. There is no real pressure, as I said, we don't want a replacement kid. At this point, we take it step by step.

Exchangetight1590 wrote:

Negative could be low sperm count. There’s medicine that can help improve sperm count.

gh0stcat13 wrote:

IDK, obviously what she did was pretty f-ed up but she did try talking to him about getting tested MANY times before doing that and he just refused every time. I don't really..think she was in the wrong that much here.

Especially bc she only brought it up in a rude way bc of what he said directly before that: "you're always so negative, no wonder it hasn't happened yet" like?? ofc she said something rude after that, why is only problematic that she was mean and not him.