"AITA for unintentionally getting a midwife fired?"
I'm active duty military. My wife and I began trying for a baby about two years after we got married, and after a few months she got pregnant with our first child. About six weeks after she found out, I was deployed for a six month stint. Sadly that meant I would miss all of her OB appointments except the very first one to confirm she was pregnant.
Early in her pregnancy she decided using a midwife would give her a better birth experience and I was totally on board because she's the one giving birth and I wanted her to feel 100% confident in the people assisting. It had also been decided that the people in the room (aside from medical staff) would be me for obvious reasons, and one of our mothers.
My mom lives about an hour by car from the base I'm stationed at, while her mom lives a four hour plane ride away. Ideally her mom would be able to get there in time, but she loves my mom too and was okay with her being there if labor went fast and her mom couldn't make it in time.
Fast forward to me getting back from the deployment and her being really close to giving birth. Like due in a week close. She was supposed to have an OB appointment that I would be able to go to, but ended up going into labor very early on the morning of the appointment.
We go to the (civilian) hospital and they confirm she's in active labor. I called her mom, who immediately booked a flight that would have gotten her here at about noon. Then my mom, who came to the hospital a few hours later. Awhile later the midwife comes in to see my wife, and was rude from the start.
My wife told her I was back from deployment and she calmed down a little but was still clearly not happy I was in the room. Especially once I started cracking jokes to try to distract my wife from the pain of the contractions. Then the midwife glared at me and told me to "take this seriously" and have respect for my wife while she's in pain.
I thought her hostility was weird, but was more focused on my wife and doing all I could to support her. As it got closer to noon, my wife was almost 9cm dilated and so I decided not to go pick up her mom from the airport and had her take a cab instead, so I wouldn't have to leave for over an hour to drive to the airport.
When her mom did get to the hospital, I left the L&D floor briefly to go downstairs and pay the cab driver so her mom wouldn't need to. As the cab is pulling up, I got a call from my mom telling me the OB and midwife were there, and the baby was coming fast. Of course I rushed back up there after tossing some cash to the cab driver.
So her mom and I could be there for the birth. When I got back to the L&D floor my mom was in the waiting room since she had to step out to make the phone call and also knew she would be waiting outside. I used the intercom to ask to be let back in, and to my surprise, I was denied entry. They said they had an order to not let me or anyone in to see my wife.
That was really confusing so I asked why, and was just told I wouldn't be let in and not to tie them up on the intercom or security would be called. So the three of us waited outside, since my wife didn't answer her phone as she was actively pushing our baby out. Well over two hours later she was able to call me back, and asked where I had been.
I told her the hospital staff wouldn't let me in but I had been in the waiting room trying to get answers for almost 2.5 hours. Long story short, it was the midwife who told the desk staff that I wasn't to be let back in. She lied and said my wife had reported I was harmful and she didn't want me there. So not only did my poor wife have to give birth ALONE and without me or her mom there for support.
I missed the birth of my daughter. It meant a lot to me to be there to see my baby come into the world, because I missed so much of the pregnancy, and that was ripped away from me because this awful woman didn't like that I "never showed up to a single appointment the entire pregnancy" despite being told by my wife I was deployed. So, with my wife's support I filed a formal complaint about the midwife.
And she ended up getting fired by the OB's office. My wife is naturally on my side, but some of our friends have said I was wrong to make such a big deal out of it and taking away the woman's livelihood. Was I the AH for reporting her, which caused her to lose her job? I'd like the perspective of people outside the situation.
The internet had OP's back all the way.
Caspian4136 wrote:
NTA by any stretch of the imagination. The midwife outright lied about you to keep you away from one of the most important moments of your life. She lied and left your wife alone to give birth, who needed you there for support. No doubt she was lying to your wife about where you were for the whole time too.
Unprofessional doesn't begin to describe that woman, who has no business being a midwife. I hope she had her license revoked for what she did. Also, you didn't get her fired. She got herself fired for what she did and deserved what she got.
WebInformal9558 wrote:
Based on your story it sounds like she behaved extremely unprofessionally and it's a good thing she was fired. I don't think you should take responsibility for other people experiencing the consequences of their actions.
CurlyNaturally wrote:
NTA, the midwife had some very extreme bias against you and ruined a very precious moment for you and your wife. You were right to file a complaint against her to the OB and she deserved to lose her job. I would go one step further and report her to the governing body for midwives, because I wouldn't be surprised this isn't the first time she's let her prejudices get in the way of her patients. Good luck.
Magnificent_Princess wrote:
Absolutely not an AH. That midwife's actions were beyond unprofessional, and downright cr--l. You have every right to report someone who prevented you from witnessing the birth of your child based on a blatant lie.
MostlyValidUserName wrote:
She went against your wife's wishes and made the birthing process more stressful for her. She removed your only opportunity to watch this baby being born. She spread a malicious lie about you being an a--ser to other medical staff who could have escalated by reporting you -- which could have impacted your livelihood. So no, f her, she very much needs to find a different job.
OP responded:
That's what bothered me the most. It put unnecessary stress on my wife, who already had to go through almost the entire pregnancy without me there. She had both our moms to talk to and see, but that's not the same as a spouse.
If my wife had told me she wanted both moms in the room, I would have been a little disappointed at not being there but I would have respected her choice because at the end of the day it was her having to do all the work. But she was very clear she wanted me there and I was denied at the last minute.
RJack151 wrote:
NTA. She lied and denied your wife support. She deserved to lose her job.
Expensive_Flight4799 wrote:
F that! ANYONE says YTA is not your friend/family and they can kick rocks. That midwife was out of line. How dare she! I wish there was someway to give you back those moments, its so unfair and unnecessary. I don't understand why people need to be so mean. I hope you guys enjoy your baby. Congrats!
OP responded:
Aside from being mad about my wife having to go through it all alone, I'm mad that I wasn't the first one to hold my daughter. Our plan was for me to hold her first, then my wife, then whichever grandma won the coin toss. And yeah, the grandmas both decided to leave it up to either a coin toss or paper-rock-scissors. Lol.
Edits from OP:
EDIT 1: I took some advice and contacted JAG (military lawyers) to meet with an attorney about taking further steps. I have a meeting scheduled for Monday afternoon to discuss what can and should be done to ensure this doesn’t happen to anyone else in the future. Thanks to everyone who offered support.
EDIT 2: Since some people are so caught up on me paying for my MIL’s cab, and the jokes I was making with my wife, I’ll clear it up. I made jokes because she ASKED me to distract her from the pain by making her laugh.
We were both making jokes, not just me. I also paid for my MIL’s cab because my wife told me to make sure I went down and paid, and also because it was the right thing to do since she didn’t choose to take the cab. That was my choice since it was last minute.
4 days later OP came back with this update:
We met with the JAG attorney on Monday and it seems like I have a good case for going after her license, as well as a possible defamation lawsuit. She’s a certified nurse-midwife so she has a license that can be revoked or suspended.
I’m not convinced it needs to be revoked altogether but I do think she should be suspended for a while and forced to get more training in her field.
The attorney JAG assigned to me is a parent herself and seemed genuinely appalled that someone would have to miss the birth of their child because a member of the medical staff used their influence to deny entry back into the maternity wing. Especially when it’s for a made-up reason that could have gotten me in a lot of trouble with the Navy.
My wife was able to come with me to the meeting and had a brief conversation alone with the JAG. On the drive home she told me what they spoke about, and basically the attorney just needed to confirm that everything the midwife said about me being a^&*ive was false and unfounded.
When my wife told her I have never and would never lay a hand on her or my child, she asked if my wife felt any sort of emotional distress about me not being there for the birth. She confirmed that she does, and that’s when it was decided that we would try to build a case for more than just possible medical malpractice.
We don’t care about any monetary gain. If we were awarded anything, it will go into an educational account for our daughter, or be donated to a charity. We are in agreement that the midwife should have to answer for what she did though.
She took away a once in a lifetime experience for me. Even if we have more children, I’ll never get back the lost experience of not seeing my firstborn come into the world.
So that’s where things stand right now. Any further updates will most likely be a long way off since there’s going to be pending litigation soon. Thank you to (almost) everyone who commented and offered encouragement. It gave me the push I needed to seek out a legal remedy for the situation. My wife and I are truly thankful.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Dude, she doesn't need more training. She did what she did out of spite or arrogance - malice, not ignorance. I wish you could press criminal charges for the false a^%$e allegations.
Absolutely agree. Navy vet here, she could've seriously f^%$d up your life and career making false statements like that. That's inexcusable and she needs to be held accountable. Put whatever money you get into a college fund for your kiddo.
her lying about you a^%$ing your wife is not due to a training deficiency. it was a seriously allegation that could have gotten you in deep trouble. i doubt this is the first time she’s done this, her license should be revoked.