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'AITA for telling my fiancé to choose between his best friend and I?' UPDATED 3X

'AITA for telling my fiancé to choose between his best friend and I?' UPDATED 3X


Ultimatums can be simultaneously stressful and effective.

"AITA for telling my fiancé to choose between his best friend and I?"

I’ll try not to make this too long, but this needs a lot of context (at least I think so) or I’ll start to gaslight myself again. I’ve been trying to talk myself out of the breakup the whole night. (also apologizing for formatting im a mobile user). Okay, basically my fiancé and I met 8 years ago. 8 years ago, my fiancé and his best friend became business partners as well.

When our relationship started off, it was great. Sean was a wonderful boyfriend, and after 3 years, he proposed. He would clean for me, cook for me, etc. He treated me like a princess, intimate life was great, and he was seriously the love of my life. After the end of the 3rd year, though, things started to get seriously annoying with his best friend.

My fiancé, (M 27) Sean and his best friend ( M 30 ) Ace started to hang out with eachother more and more. Ace would pick him up in his hellcat, and everytime he’d get a new stupid modification, he’d call Sean to see it. I didn’t think anything of it until they started to spend the night with eachother.

I posted on a reddit sub when this happened and asked the same question “AIO?” and I got a lot of yes, you’re overreacting(s). (Editor's note- I was unable to find this post as OOP said she deleted it) Afterall, it was only sometimes on the weekends and it was so Sean wouldn’t have to drive home after work. It was harmless.

Well, then it started to be during the week and for 2-3 days at a time. He would go out drinking with Ace almost every weekend and come back home at the crack a-s at dawn (we are talking like 1AM.) or not come home at all so he wouldn’t drink and drive. Plus, I'm pretty sure they hang out after they get off from work because he comes home later than he did a year ago or so.

It got to the point where if he had an outing with ace the next day, he couldn’t sleep or eat from the excitement…or even be intimate for the fear of not being able to concentrate. i got extremely upset at this and accused him of not being attracted to me, but he assured me that wasn’t it. and when the outing was done, he was right.

He’d be just as attracted to me as before. Regardless, it was weird. I felt like boundaries were getting crossed. I left this out on the first post that I deleted, but he had an accident at work and Ace called me saying that HE would be the one to take Sean to the hospital and I argued with him, but Ace took him anyway.

I didn’t even know what hospital he went to or anything. Sean was fine, and insisted that he went to Ace’s house afterwards because he didn’t want to be alone. I told him that hurt me because it seemed like he was saying that he felt alone with me. Again, he assured me that wasn’t the case and it was the shock of the physical yscial accident, and Ace was like his brother and his only family.

Sean doesn’t have much family, and it’s only me, Ace, and his aunt that he barely talks to. During my dress fitting, he brought Ace. Which, I should mention: he spent the night with Ace the night before the dress fitting and was TEN MINUTES LATE with my family there.

When I saw Ace, I was furious. He yelled at me the first time a week ago when I asked him “are you and Ace having some weird thing going on?” it was along those lines. It was more like a joke, but he was like “oh god no i’d never? i don’t even like men and ace is like a brother.” Which he’s never had an interest in men before but what?

Please tell me I'm not crazy? He also likes a lot of woman models etc. Anyway, all of that was weird. Including all the times they'd just hang out on the weekends and Sean would dress up for HOURS. I mean hours. And put on cologne and then Ace would show up in just a baggy hoodie with a chain and jeans?

But this took the CAKE: he missed our 8 year anniversary dinner for the first time to celebrate 8 years of him and Ace meeting / becoming business partners. I was FURIOUS. If this didn’t make it any better, he was apparently black out drunk and stayed over at Ace’s. I could’ve driven to Ace’s etc etc…which is what my friends were saying. But why would I do that? I’m tired of it genuinely.

When he got back home, he was apologizing profusely and telling me how much he loved me and our relationship, but I told him that it would be over if he didn’t choose between Ace and I. He looked defeated and told me that Ace was like family and he couldn’t believe i’d ask him that, and I stormed out the house after ignoring every single compromise he threw at me.

Even if our lease isn’t up, I stayed at my parents and I am so ready to just stay here. He called me several times in the last day and left me voicemails. Honestly, I’m debating picking up and talking things out but I can’t help but think I am the problem here AIO??

Five hours later, OP shared an update.

I hope this doesn’t get lost: but after about 5 hours straight of being on the toilet, sick on my stomach and reading the comments on this post...I’m going to log off for now.

I would like to say that in no way am I trying to be hom*phobic, b*phobic, or tr-nsphobic.

For the people saying it’s fake and it’s confusing, if you comment under this and ask me about consistencies and gaps, I promise you I will fill them in.

It’s not really my concern if anybody thinks it’s fake, because it’s clear I have other priorities right now. Like addressing the clear emotional affair my fiancé has been having. I am under extreme distress and I probably have made typos or messed up consistencies.

Again, if you have any questions: just comment under this. I don’t want to confuse anybody and I will try my hardest to answer anything.

To give you even more context and to just air out my trauma like reddit is my therapist:

During the hookup fiasco, he was excited all night for the trip. He came onto ME first, but said that he was too excited and that he wanted his mind to be all on me while we were sleeping together. Intimacy continued as normal after this, though it was a little less ( which seems suspicious to everyone now, but it wasn’t to me then because he was helping his “best friend” with severe depression )

Thank you everyone for the nice comments and I will try my best to make an update. If I do this convo over text, I’ll post the update with screenshots and receipts.

The next day, OP shared another update.

I called Sean at my parents parent’s house, crying in the phone. We talked until 3AM and the engagement is called off. To nobody’s surprise, Sean admitted something was happening between the two (kind of? ) I explained the post and he called me malicious for blasting him online. I told him that he’s lucky I didn’t blast Ace and him on our socials/facebook.

After that comment, I explained the comments. There was a particular comment where they mention Ace’s feelings, and how I should ask Ace. I said I might just do that. Sean told me not to, and told me straight out that Ace had feelings for him. I was speechless. I asked him how long he knew, and he said since a few years ago.

So I asked if there was anything between the two and he told me “I don’t know.” I was so confused, and we stayed up until 3 am talking about how Sean doesn’t really understand his own feelings, but he knows that he feels stronger about Ace than he does towards me, and calling off the engagement would be the only choice if I chose him to choose.

He actually referred to Ace as “his life.”

He told me that I was never a bad fiancé and he loved me throughout everything, and it was nothing I did. He just said that he never has felt so connected to someone since Ace commented on his feelings.

My suspicion is that physical things did happen, but Sean rejected that idea a few times before going silent all together when I asked about it. I’m pretty sure they at least did SOMETHING because he said “even if they did,” it “didn’t change anything about the situation.” BUT we will never know! He wouldn’t admit it regardless of how heated the conversation got.

So, thanks. My engagement is officially off and I’m officially single! He said that he’ll pay for the full apartment while the lease is running up, but he’ll stay with Ace for now so I don’t have to stay at my parents ( why am I not surprised!) All in all, it was a pretty healthy conversation and he admitted a lot of things I probably couldn’t get out of him if I would’ve tried to do it in writing or in person.

He never fully admitted an affair, but eluded to it. Regardless, his fair was emotional nonetheless and he admitted it was, because his “emotional attachment towards Ace was almost suffocating.” I have no idea what that means. But he said it after I told him that the affair was “emotional at least.”

I even asked him if he was in the closet this whole time to put my mind at ease, and he said that he is very much into women, and that he still didn’t know what changed when Ace walked into his life. I can’t make that up. Really. I’m not sure how I’m coping with this, but I am going to choose me. I’m excited to start a new chapter of my life without Sean…and Ace.

Not long after posting, OP shared another small update.

EDIT: For everyone commenting about my lack of grammar, STOP. I know that I messed up, I just wanted to keep it consistent and the post got too much traction for me to change it.

Please don’t be biph-bic in the comments. Bi people exist! The comments being mature and explaining how Bi crisis works are great.

I am not angry at either of them. If anything, I am kind of wishing them the best. Sean described Ace how I described Sean. And even though it makes me tear up thinking about it, Sean deserves that world. Sean deserves that kind of love and attraction. Even if he thought he had it for me.

I’m only upset that he lied, and he felt like he couldn’t trust me so he strung me along and wasted my life. Though, maybe he couldn’t trust himself either.

The comments started coming in.

enbyloser wrote:

I wish you nothing but healing and happiness, OP. I hope you know you did nothing wrong, and you deserve better than what sean did to you. A stand up kinda guy would have broken off the engagement instead of stringing you along like that.

OP responded:

Thank you. I honestly sound calmer than I am though. I’ve been a mess. I just thought you guys deserved a calm, collected update. Reading the comments yesterday had me already mourning before I got onto the phone with Sean, though.

Spellboundmama wrote:

How horrible. He cheated point blank and from what you wrote it was probably more than just a kiss. Sean is awful for not openly communicating his feelings sooner and dragging you along for so long. At least now the healing can begin.

Block them both and live your life to the fullest. There's someone amazing out there for you, who will put you first. Remember this isn't your fault. Cheaters cheat for selfish reasons. He didn't deserve you anyway.

OP responded:

I agree! I told him I wasn’t mad that he fell for someone else, but that he let me think he was in love with me while he was doing it. He actually started crying and told me that “he didn’t know” again. I find myself feeling bad for him, but I can’t help but think I got the worst out of it. So why should I?

MadnessHero13 wrote:

'I don't know' is such a childish response, he has known in his gut for years.

The man you thought you knew and who he is are two different people.

Take time to recover, wish you the best moving forward.

OP responded:

Not to mention when he said that Ace admitted his feelings, It was a night I knew in my gut something was up, and Ace kissed him that night. I just condensed it down. The plot was so thick and I talked from 8 pm to like 3 am.

I promised him I wouldn’t put extremely private details that could reveal his identity in exchange of him paying the full apartment. I don’t know if this is extremely private, but it’s something.

Actual-Offer-127 wrote:

I'm glad you got some closure. Now you can find a man that will be 100% committed to you. You didn't deserve any of this. Sean knew about Ace's feelings and he did nothing to deter them nor did he put any space between them. He allowed these feelings to grow.

I have a feeling he might try and come back to you later on. Remember all he did and everything he put you through...the emotional affair and always being second to his "friend". NC until you heal and move on might be a good way to go. Hard, but will allow you to heal and process.

Short-pitched wrote:

Sorry you think he doesn’t know IF he in the closet? The only closet he is in is the one where they go to f- coz otherwise both Ace and Sean aren’t in any closet.

OP responded:

LOL! This gave me a laugh. I meant the GAY closet. Meaning he never liked me this whole time, afraid to be his beard. He assured me that he would’ve never done that and apologized for “pulling the rug out” Let’s be honest, he’s in some kind of closet…and I told him that before I hung up the phone.

Canyonemoon wrote:

It's absolutely sickening that he played you like this and would have been absolutely content ruining your life by entering marriage. He's cruel and he's a cheater, and he and Ace should feel guilty and shameful for what they did to you. They probably won't because they're both horrible people.

I'm sorry this is the truth, but I know you'll be okay down the road, and you'll find someone who'll love you openly and wholeheartedly and treat you like the wonderful person that I'm sure you are.

Be open about why the engagement ended though; he cheated. You don't have say anything about who or how, but he cheated and you shouldn't bear the burden of lying for him. He can obviously do that fine himself.

Sources: Reddit
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