'AITA for showing my children the reason why their mother and I are getting divorced?' UPDATED

"AITA for showing my children the reason why their mother and I are getting divorced?"

My wife (32f) cheated on me (35M). She and I have been married since she was 22 and I thought our marriage was perfect, we have two children, both boys, 7 and 6 years old. I had my suspicions because she started coming to our house 40 minutes late after work, this lasted for 3 weeks until I decided to find out what was going on.

I hired a private investigator who got photos and videos of her with her lover, her co-worker, so I decided to take revenge, I sent those videos to her mother, who has a terminal illness, I don't want her to die thinking that her daughter is an angel. I send those videos to her friends, to my family, to her boss, since at her work they have a strict rule of no relations between workers, and the lover's wifet

My kids were at my parents' house before that happened, and she was working (I asked my boss for a few days off, that's why I was able to do all this during work hours), then I showed the video to my kids of her mom with her lover and I told them that because of her we were going to get divorced, of course they didn't take it well, they cried, hugged me, etc.

I will take them to a psychologist after I divorce my wife, we live in a at- fault state, so the fact that I have proof of her infidelity will help me in the divorce I will admit it, I was not the perfect husband, but I never ever did anything wrong for her to cheat on me, why did she do it? I don't know, and at the moment I don't care.

After all this, my older brother approached me, and he and I spoke privately, he told me that I was an AH to my children, he understands my desire for revenge, but that I traumatized them by showing him those videos and talking to them like that about their mother, I told him that it was my wife's fault, not mine.

He told me he understands me, but he thinks that I should have waited a little before telling them, we argued for about 30 minutes. My brother told me again that I was an AH, he is my brother and he loves me, but he thinks I was cruel to the children. That happened 3 days ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, so, AITA?

If you're wondering, my wife has tried to contact me and talk to me and the kids, but they don't want to see her and neither do I. From what I know, she is staying at her sister's house.

Edit: I forgot to say that the reason I told my children that and showed them the video is because I didn't want their mother to try to blame me for the divorce. In my head, I had to show them the proof that I wasn't the bad guy, and that is why i showed them the video.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Dalton402 wrote:

YTA from me, I'm afraid. Not because you told them but how. You should have found a more age appropriate way of telling them. They didn't need to see their mother cheating. All they needed to know was that you are getting divorced because their mommy wants to love someone who isn't daddy, and daddy can't be married to mommy because of that.

Nolmagination982 wrote:

YTA for all the reasons the others were saying. Using your kids and sick MIL as revenge is sick. There must be more to this story as well. If you had the perfect marriage for 10 years, then what would make you jump to hiring a private detective as soon as she started coming home from work late? There was obviously already issues and mistrust happening.

brittdre16 wrote:

You hurt your children’s mental health because of your ego. YTA.

I’m sorry you got cheated on but calm down and process your actions.

Suspicious_Lack_241 wrote

You are a raging piece of crap if this true, and I assume your wife had good reason to step out on your sociopathic a--.

gbhnn_ wrote:

You showed a 6 and 7 year old a video of their mother with another man? You’re a creepy weirdo and YTA.

A month later, OP shared an update.

Several people asked me for an update on private, so I will give it, I will try to keep it short Also, many of you think that my story is false because it is "not original," truth be told, that made me laugh, what? You expect me to say that a unicorn came down from the sun? Believe me or not, it's your problem, I wont get on me knees so that you believe me.

Basically, my wife cheated on me, I got proof, and I showed that proof to my kids so that they knew I was not the bad guy in our divorce, at least on my mind, that's the short version. A few days after posting, my wife asked me to meet her in public, I knew that sooner or later I had to talk to her, so I went there, a park, the conversation lasted about 2 hours, but this are the most important things:

She told me that, because I sent the proof of her cheating to her mother, who has a terminal illness, her mother was devastated and disappointed with her, I told her it was her fault, not mine. She told me that her ex-lover's wife lost the baby (I forgot to say that his wife was pregnant) because of the proof I sent to her of her husband cheating with my wife, I told her that it was his fault, not mine.

She told me what many of you said, that she could press charges against me for sharing those videos with others, the videos of her cheating, that I could lose custody of my children (yes, biologically they are mine), I did something that I am not proud of, I emotionally manipulated her, I cried, because although it may not seem like it, all of this really left me emotionally shaken, I cried.

I told her it was her fault and that I felt cornered, she cried, we cried for about 20 minutes until we were able to calm down. We talked and came to an agreement, she will keep the house and I will move out, she will have custody of the children, but I have the right to visit them as much as I want, whenever I want.

She didn't lose her job because apparently her dad is friends with her boss, I know that legally this is wrong, but all things considered, this ended well for me, I won't shake things more, I don't know if her ex-lover keep the job or no, and honestly, I don't care now.

I am currently helping my wife rebuild her relationship with our children, little by little, they promised that they would try for me, and I decided to take them to a psychologist now so that the divorce will be less heavy on them.

Here's what people thought after the update:

Ok-Breadfruit-1359 wrote:

If this is true, you are a horrible parent. Your children are too young to know this stuff and didn't deserve to have you soil their relationship with their mother. Just because your relationship is done with her, doesn't mean theirs should be. If you go to court for custody, this decision will reflect poorly on you

MotoKenji25 wrote:

I’m guessing her attorney advised her that what he did was illegal. So in lieu of not reporting it to authorities and not having it come up in court, he just gave in.

OP responded:

When I was a child, my father taught my brothers and me that if someone treats us badly, we should treat them much worse, so that they would regret the day they met us, that's what I did. Maybe I went too far with my children, but for the rest, I feel like I did nothing wrong. Obviously I am happy that in the end things will go well for me in the divorce.

IvyAngiee wrote:

The level of vindictiveness here is just mind boggling. Instead of shielding your kids from the fallout, you drag them through the mud to get even with your wife. It's one thing to be hurt and another to weaponize that hurt to lash out.

Kids should have a childhood free from adult problems, but you've took away that innocence. They will need to recover from your actions as much as from the divorce itself. YTA, and I hope you find some way to make it right with them.

ACM915 wrote:

You without a doubt are an absolutely horrible person. You could’ve simply divorced her and let it all go, but you decided to take the very low road and destroy your children’s lives with and the relationship with their mother. Nothing you do or say will justify your actions. YTA x 1000.