Groom’s past resurfaces as bride refuses to invite best friend’s new husband; 'the man tortured my fiancé for years.' AITA?
"AITJ for telling my best friend she isn't allowed to bring her husband to my wedding?"
Hi, I 32 female and my fiance 33 male have been together for 6 years, and last year on the anniversary of when we started dating, he proposed to me. we are so excited and have been planning the wedding ever since (btw we have the wedding booked for that same day we started dating and he proposed).
Everything was going very smoothly until a month ago when my best friend got married. I have known her (also 32) since we were 8 years old and she has always been a very eccentric, spur of the moment type of person.
And a couple months ago she went to Vegas for her birthday where she met this guy 33 male. and after she got very drunk they got married in one of those stereotypical elvis type wedding places.
Unlike many who would wake up the next morning regretting everything , she believed that he was her soulmate and they got officially married at a registry the next day. I had no idea who this man was until a week after their marriage when she had put a picture of them on her Instagram.
From this photo my fiance identified him as his high-school bully who picked on him for years because of his self asteem and background ( for context my husband grew up quite poor as his mom left him and his brother alone with his dad when he was 8 ).
When I found out about this I decided to message my best friend explaining to her what my husband had told me but she said that "it didn't sound like him" and whatever he had done in his past did not matter because he had changed.
I decided to not press this any further as who she decided to marry didn't really have anything to do with me and left it at that. Until a week ago, I received a message from her asking if she could bring her husband to the wedding as a plus one.
Just reading this it didn't feel right but still decided to bring it up with my fiance, he said that he was fine with him coming and that it had been years now so he probably wasn't the same person he was.
But from the way my fiance said this I could kind of tell he wasn't really comfortable with the idea and was just saying what he thought would make me happy. Despite what my fiance said, I however was not comfortable with the idea of him attending our wedding.
I replied to my best friend that I was not going to have the man who verbally and mentally tortured my fiance for years come to my wedding and if she wanted to being a family member or other friend she could but he was definitely not invited.
She got really upset by this saying i was being dramatic and accused my fiance of being "pathetic" as "if he was still hung up on something that happened almost 15 years ago he seriously needed to grow up" this infuriated me and I quickly shut her down explaining that I was the one who didn't want him here and it had nothing to do with my fiance.
However she still continued to complain, saying that "weddings were a celebration of love" and I was being selfish by not allowing her to express her's at my wedding. I admit what I messaged next was very much horrible behavior but I was already upset and do regret it.
I replied that she was not in love as she had only known this man for about a month and she quite frankly knew nothing about him and if she seriously thought she was in love then she was insane.
This obviously really upset her and she responded that if I don't accept that people can change I will never grow as a person. and all I knew about him was his past not his future.
I admit that she was right about this, but I still was not going to allow this man to come to my wedding. no matter how much he had changed the memories are still there, and I was not going to ruin my fiancé's wedding experience by having these awful thoughts weighing over him the whole day.
So I finished of the message explaining that I was not going to have this stranger attend my wedding and if she kept pushing this then she would not been invited either. I have still not received a response from her.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTJ. It's NOT very loving TO YOU to bring somebody who abused your spouse-to-be. Tell her she's acting UNloving, and to respect your boundaries or STAY THE EFF AWAY.
It's also quite telling that the guy has never attempted to reach out to OP's SO and tried to apologize. I could see him not doing it prior to meeting the BF because he didn't know how to reach out to him, was ashamed, or didn't know how much damage he'd done. But after he married the BF he had to have known that OP's SO was upset and as such, reached out or at least offered to apologize.
So this implies one of two things: One is that the former bully hasn't really changed much. The other is that the BF might not have said anything to her husband or basically given him the impression that OP's SO didn't need/want an apology.
Both are terrible situations, but I'd argue that the second is worse. Not only is the BF not being a friend, but she's also hurting any potential mending of the past that could have happened.
People can change - true. A person should not have to share one of the most special days of their life with the person who tormented them in school - also true. Even if dude has changed, that is not the version of him your fiance knows.
Wanting to spare your fiance from anything that might make his day even a little less special does not make you an AH. Yes, the way you said things in your last conversation with her was harsh (though not untrue). NTA for not wanting your fiance's former bully at your wedding.
What a small world - anyhow, your wedding, your choice not to have a stranger at your wedding. If she was a good friend she would be ok with the statement that you are uncomfortable with her new husband attending regardless of why. People do grow up and out of childhood friendships so perhaps it is time to let this one die off.
NTJ, but the circumstances of their wedding are irrelevant. Also, don't be surprised if besty doesn't come. The fact that bully hasn't tried to address the issue confirms your non-invitation.
Chance_Tart7747 (OP)
Hi, I am kind of the Jerk for this but the reason I included that is because I don't think the relationship will last. she has done things like this before but never as serious as actually being legally married.
In the past she has had 3 Vegas relationships and they've never lasted more than a couple months I think in a way I was trying to protect her especially since I knew his past. This is probably context I should have added but because this was more serious I didn't want to compare it to her other relationships.
I really hope it does work out for her. me and my partner are currently discussing meeting up with them to see if he really has changed as much as she had said. I hope the reason for his abuse was just because of misguided anger or uncorrect views taught to him in childhood but I guess we'll see.
She didn’t invite OP or her fiance to her wedding so who’s the selfish one?
It sounds like this friendship has run its course since she has no empathy.
NTJ. Did her husband express any remorse? Did he even make the tiniest effort to apologize or make amends? No? That says it all. You need to remind her that “growing as a person” includes acknowledging faults and past behavior. He hasn’t done that.