'AITA for not allowing my foster parents to put parental controls on the Iphone my biological parents bought me?'

"AITA for not allowing my foster parents to put parental controls on the iphone my biological parents bought me?"

I (15M) have lived with my current foster parents since I was 9 years old but I’ve been in foster care since I was 6. I will call my foster parents ‘Henry’ and ‘Erin’.

I got a new phone as an early christmas present from my biological dad, it is an iphone 16 pro max, which is the phone I wanted so I am very happy about it. My previous phone was an iphone 11 and it was bought by Henry and Erin.

On my old phone Henry and Erin had set up loads of parental controls on it, so I couldn’t download any apps without them approving it, I couldn’t turn off share my location, I couldn’t change my passcode, it would lock everything except their contacts at 8pm every night until after school and they...

had a time limit on youtube so I could only watch it for 30 mins within the time where my phone was unlocked anyway and I could only go on websites that they approved off (like there was a list that I could go on and I couldn’t go on anything that they didn’t manually add to that list).

These all really annoyed me, but whenever I asked for them to be turned off they told me that they bought the phone and so these were the rules.

Now I was given my new phone by my dad on monday and I haven’t used it yet because they’re telling me that I have to let them put the same restrictions on the new phone as they did my old phone.

I said no because that isn’t fair, I should be allowed to use my phone as my dad says because he paid for it. I said to them that my dad paid for the phone so it was his choice and that he doesn’t want me to have those restrictions on.

But now they’ve changed and said it doens’t matter who bought the phone even though that was their whole point before.

Now theyre saying that because I am living with them I have to follow their rules and the rule for having a phone in this house is that they put restrictions on it. I don't think that is fair at all considering they didn’t buy the phone?? I don’t see how they can do this?

Before I got home from school on monday they took the phone out of the box my dad sent it in and set up all the restrictions and now I’m trying to figure out a way to take them off. I am thinking about complaining to my social worker because it is not fair that they put these restrictions on my phone even though they didn’t pay for it?

Let's see what readers thought:

failsafe writes:

OP not gonna say you are in the wrong because of your age. I am also not going to say your carers are in the wrong based on the information you've provided.

I am coming from the position that I previously was a foster carer as well as a worker within the law enforcement system.

Your biological father is making a power play here. You may not see it because generally speaking, kids in care tend to see even the worst parents as being on a pedestal.

For whatever reason, you've been in foster care for the majority of your life. A good portion of that time has been under the roof of your current carers.

Whilst I appreciate that at 15 you think you should be able to do what you want on your phone, you need to understand that your carers are most likely just looking out for your best interests.

Your biological father, for lack of a better term is throwing in a grenade. In my opinion he may be doing this for a few reasons.

To 'prove' to himself or your case worker that he is a good parent because deep down he knows he isn't.

To drive a wedge between you and your carers in exactly the way it appears to have. Because he cares about you genuinely and thinks that getting you an extravagant gift will somehow make up for you being in care since you were six years old.

Honestly, it could be a mixture of the above. Regardless though, he should have discussed such a gift with your case worker and carers (if there is contact between him and them) to make sure it was okay, and so that he could discuss the rules surrounding usage of the phone with you.

If you legitimately think that your carers are not doing what is in your best interests then you should speak to your case worker. Let them be the mediator as they are basically in charge.

There are possibly also things occurring in the background that you are unaware of. For example the court or department in your jurisdiction that deals with children in care may want contact with your birth parents to only occur when they are aware of it. Your carers could simply be following rules that a court or your case worker has outlined to them.

If you think that they are on some level being reasonable because they care for you then perhaps sit with them and discuss how at age 15 you should have more freedom.

This could look like having the parental controls but with less restrictions or it could be without the parental controls but with your carers able to look at your phone/messages/photos when they feel there is a need and without notice. Ie. They know the unlock code to the phone.

At the end of the day it is about trust. Show them that you can be trusted with more freedom then they'll likely be more willing to become more lenient as you get older. Try to make sure that regardless of how the conversation goes with your carers that you keep your cool. Good luck.

vacantwer writes:

NTA. I don't blame you at all. Regardless of power plays and manipulation, the restrictions that H & E have put on your phone are outrageous.

Unless you have given them a reason for their total lack of trust in you this is over the top control. I say this as a parent and someone who taught teenagers for 40 years. I am not naive. I've never heard of anything like this.

I do have a couple of questions, though. Who is paying the monthly bill for the use of the phone? If H & E are paying for it they definitely have some standing on its use. Did your father really say he didn't want you to have those restrictions on your new phone? If he did, that's wrong.

That creates unnecessary conflict. He should be discussing something like that with H & E, not you. He has had his parental rights terminated for a reason, he's not in a position to be making the rules.

I would discuss this with your social worker, if for no other reason than to get a clearer understanding of the situation. Maybe he/she can mediate a relaxing of these rules and restrictions.

I will say that the phone itself is yours (or even your father's). I think H & E are on thin ice when it comes to taking the phone and programing it the way they did.
I hope that you are able to find some common ground. Good luck!!

groper writes:

Hello OP, Firstly, it is unfortunate that some things people have said to you come across as attacking you.

Try to take a step back. They are saying things that may seem like they are upset at 'you'. I think it is more likely that they are upset with the situation you've described as it sounds like, on balance; that your biological father MAY have the intent on causing a rift between you and your carers.

From the information you've given, and from my and likely the other adults/older people who are commenting, it does appear that your father is at the very least trying to throw a wrench into the current placement.

Also, to reply to your comment, the example I provided regarding why the court or department may want the phone restricted. The example around unsupervised contact with you biological parents is just that, an example. There could be many other reasons that you are unaware of and restrictions may be a requirement.

I agree with you that 8pm for cut off is a bit early for a 15 year old and it's something you should sit down and discuss calmly with your carers. However at the same time, your biological father having control of the restrictions when he is not actually raising you is equally 'unreasonable'.

I am trying to be careful of what I say, because I don't want to say that your biological parents are bad people, they may be really good people, but just not great at parenting. As others have replied, you are in foster care for one reason or another, and that foster care appears to be a long term until you are 18 kind of deal.

In my experience, courts or government departments in-charge of foster care try and try and try to make foster care a last resort and even then they try and try and try to make being in care a short term solution whilst biological parents improve upon whatever it is that has caused foster care to become necessary.

The carers you are with are trying to help children such as yourself who are unable for one reason or another to be raised by their biological parents.

As I mentioned, I have been in a similar situation to your carers. Being foster carers is not done for money or for praise. It is done because you want to help the children placed into your care.

There is often constant liaison and argument with service providers, schools, case workers and the court system. What I am trying to say, is that you don't generally become a foster carer unless you want to help children.

Take a read of some of the comments that others have made. Try to take a step back, they are not saying you or your birth parents are bad, nor are they saying your carers are perfect. It's difficult but try to imagine it wasn't you but someone else who you didn't know.

Again, I am not saying your biological parents are bad people. Looking in from the outside, what would you think?

Did the father who hasn't had custody of his child for 9 of 15 years give an expensive gift without first speaking to the case worker responsible or the foster carers who are raising his son do the right thing, or should the father have run it past the people who his son lives with and the case worker who is legally responsible for his son. Good luck.

scounrda writes:

YTA. This has nothing to do with who buys the phone, it has everything to do with who is responsible for you: you're not an adult yet and your foster parents are right to set limits, it is their role.

But you'll be an adult soon and if you want them to treat you accordingly, I suggest you act accordingly. Hiding the phone, wanting to impose your will, throwing tantrums is not acting like an adult.

You should talk to your foster parent and make compromises: maybe explain that some of the restrictions were ok when you were 12, but now that you're 15, you should be able to navigate life a bit by yourself, you should be able to gain a bit of independence to confront yourself with the outside world and the reality of being adult and independent.

Maybe negotiate something like more youtube time, or the ability to have some contacts available after 8pm, something like that. But if you go to them saying "I can do what I want, all I want, when I want", you'll just show that you're not mature enough.

Good luck, and don't worry, you'll soon be 18. edit: "It's not fair!" is again not at all an adult statement or an argument, the likely answer you'll get (which is very very true) is "life is not fair."

vallllertay writes:

NAH. It's understandable that you don't want to follow your foster parents restrictions on your device. But at the end of the day, they are your legal guardians and you are a minor.

Your father does not have custody of you. Him buying the device for you does not change the fact that it is still being used by a minor under the legal custody in someone else's household. That household gets to set the rules.

I know it feels different because he is your father, but in practical terms it is the same as a random adult giving you a device and telling you to use it without the permission of your legal guardian.

If that was okay for your non-custodial father to do, then for example a 30 year old man could give an unrelated 15 year old teenage girl a phone to secretly communicate with him and not tell her parents. He bought her the device, so her parents have no say in how it is used, right?

I know that's not the answer you want to hear. It may not even be fair. I don't know your foster parents and how they are to you. But as long as you're in their care, you should follow the house rules.