"Am I (37M) being paranoid? GF (38f) didn’t come home."
Me(37M) and my girlfriend (38F) have been together for 20 years and have two children together. Last weekend we had separate nights out, I was out for some joint birthday drinks with my friend and his brother and didn’t get in till 5:30am, she was out till 2am with work friends.
Friday just gone, she asked if it was okay if she had some drinks after work at the pub local to the school she works at (so I could look after the children) to which I said of course. We was texting till 9pm when I fell asleep. I wake up at 5:30am to no GF, check ring doorbell and she didn’t come home. Call her phone a couple of times no answer, leave a text asking if she’s okay, obviously worried.
Check find my iPhone (zero location) but shows a battery level of about 20%. I’m getting more worried as 6am rolls around, so I speak to her mum to whom we are close with (she also works at the school). Who also gets panicked and checks her location on find my iPhone. It shows her in the city centre above some apartments.
With no reply or answer I used the play sound function on iPhones to try and alert her to my messages. I try again and then the phone goes off. I’m now researching when to call the police as it’s 8am. She then calls me at 10:15am and says she slept at her work mate's house (21F lives 10 minutes walk from our house) as she was so drunk and was sick in the taxi.
She meets her mum to walk her home, and she goes straight to bed and we don’t get to talk about what just happened. It’s now Monday and I brought it up this morning to ask where she was. Apparently she went to a bar (near the pub) which is open till 2am then they went to the city centre.
She’s mentioned the street she was at (shuts at 4am), which is nowhere near where the location pinged. She said she didn’t turn her phone off and it must have run out of battery. Where do I go from here? I keep getting the urge to check her phone but I don’t want to invade her privacy. Please help!
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Pristine_Local_1965 wrote:
Woman here. Your gf’s actions have created doubt, which is 100% valid. If I were in your position, I would speak to my husband and certainly check his phone. Sleeping out without notifying your partner is not okay. It seems there is more going on.
OP responded:
She hasn’t apologised but I don’t know if I’ve really given her the chance, I was clearly unamused so I just played with the kids to take my mind off of it and didn’t partake in the small talk with her and her mum when she was saying she had sick on her trainer etc.
thenord321 wrote:
Compounded with the known lies about location. I'd ask her what happened and who was there. The i'd ask her if she thought it was acceptable / respectful of our relationship how she acted and what she'll do to remedy it.
Then ask to verify the story, with phone check and asking someone there. Trust but verify, especially when things aren't adding up. She intentionally turned off her location for you but not mom. And then lied to you about it.
OP responded:
Much needed viewpoint haha! Thanks!
infinite_what wrote:
Twenty years and one drunk night. She went out with friends and didn’t come home all night until far into the next day and the phone location doesn’t match. Tell her that you feel betrayed and hurt because she did not call and you spent five hours panicking. But since the phone location doesn’t match you want to know why.
It’s doesn’t make sense and if she is honest you’ll listen. But tell her how the incidents really make it seem like she is not being honest so can she help you sort out the details that don’t add up.
OP responded:
I just remembered, she did say she has no idea why the phone showed her there and that maybe the taxi was passing that location, which is extremely unlikely considering our city centre loops are atrocious and is the opposite end of where she said she was.
I let my emotions get the best of me and replied something like the phone must be lying then to which she said she’s telling the truth and do you not believe me? Sort of surprised I thought she was lying. I really don’t know 🤷🏼♂️
spiderplopper wrote:
I would be willing to bet that 1.) she can't produce the uber records (either hers or her friend's uber account), and 2.) if you looked up her coworkers, a male coworker's apartment would be in that apartment block you found her location at via her mom. So if it were me, I'd do both of those things.
Check each of her male coworkers' addresses, and see if anyone lives at that block, and then ask her to show you (or get a screenshot from her friend) the uber ride.
Given that she left you with no word, producing an uber receipt to back up her story is not a horrible request for you to make - a reasonable partner with nothing to hide who stayed out so late leaving you worried, will just show you her uber account (or text her friend for the uber deets) to help put your mind at ease, knowing they were responsible for your state of worry.
An unreasonable partner will fly off the handle, tell you that's ridiculous you should just trust them, and then conveniently have accidentally deleted the uber ride already. Whoops. I think you know what you'll hear, but...those two avenues are simple, easy, and worth the attempt. Then you can make decisions based on that.
OP responded:
That’s what I suspected as soon as I saw the location, That one of the her male colleagues lives in those apartments. I live in the UK though and wouldn’t be able to confirm any of that. I’m going to ask her about the Ubers and if she didn’t order it, message her friend for the screen shot. Then my worries are put to rest.
sharklee88 wrote:
Be honest. Tell her you're spiraling, and that her behaviour has caused you to doubt her trust. Ask her if she will let you check her phone, then gage her reaction.
She'll try and gaslight you, saying you're disgusting for not trusting her, yadda yadda, but stick to your guns.
OP responded:
I’m going to talk it out with her tonight and going to ask to look at her phone.