Someecards Logo
ADVERTISING
'I feel like a dad at the daycare I work at is making passes at me. Am I overreacting? ' UPDATED 10X

'I feel like a dad at the daycare I work at is making passes at me. Am I overreacting? ' UPDATED 10X

ADVERTISING

"Am I overreacting? I feel like a dad at the daycare I work at is hitting on me (20f)."

Hi! I work at a daycare, and I’ve noticed that one of the children's parents always makes inappropriate comments to me. At first, I thought he was just one of those people who always compliment others or that he just wanted to have a friendly relationship with his kids' educators, but now I think it’s more than that.

During my first weeks there, I was always assigned to his younger daughter’s group (the babies), so I would see him often. At first, it was brief friendly talk, but it really escalated when I started working with the older kids (4-year-olds). His other daughter, let’s call her Emmy, and I clicked right away when we found out we’re birthday twins.

She always wants me to play with her and asks for hugs literally every two minutes. Whenever her dad comes to pick up his kids, she always makes sure to give me a big hug and tells her dad that we’re best friends. Last month, Emmy’s dad and I ran into each other at the grocery store and started small talk.

We were mostly talking about Emmy, and he just kept saying how much she loves me and that she wants me to come over to their house. I said something like, “Oh, she’s so cute. I love spending time with her too,” and tried to end the conversation, but he just kept talking. I noticed him looking at my chest a couple of times, which was one of the reasons I wanted to leave.

He then offered me a ride, and although I initially declined, he kept pushing it, so I accepted. I didn’t let him see my house; I told him to drop me off downtown. Since then, I keep running into him, but to the point where I don’t think it’s a coincidence. He doesn’t live in the same neighborhood as me (I live near downtown).

In fact, when he dropped me off the first time, he kept going on and on about how he could never live somewhere as far away as I do. So why do I keep seeing him? In our conversations, he always makes sure to compliment my physical appearance or mention my age and how “young and smart” I am.

It obviously makes me uncomfortable, but for the sake of his daughters, especially Emmy, I don’t really say anything. I have tried to set some boundaries, but it’s really uncomfortable. I jokingly said once, “Well, if I were your age, I don’t think I’d date someone as young as me,” and he was like, “Well, good thing I would,” and he laughed.

I casually mentioned this in a conversation with one of my colleagues, and she said something like, “Oh, he’s a flirt; that’s what he does.” She kept talking about how handsome he is (he is handsome but also a married dad of two). I asked if there’s anything we could do if, hypothetically, a parent is being too friendly/flirty with us, and she basically said no.

Anyway, it’s gotten hot outside, so I’ve started wearing sundresses, shorts, and crop tops, and he always compliments my outfits when he sees me and says he likes seeing my bellybutton piercing out (EW). Also, Emmy has told me that her dad said I’ll be their nanny for the weekends when the daycare is closed.

I don’t know if he actually said that because she’s 4, but I don’t even want to ask because I don’t want to give him ideas if he didn’t actually say it. He has tried multiple times to give me his phone number to “call him if there’s anything,” and I always gently reminded him that we can communicate through the daycare app. He always says that he would rather call me directly than through the app.

He was being super pushy, and I felt a little trapped, so I gave him my phone number. He texts me all the time, asking what I’m doing, etc. I have FaceTimed his daughters a couple of times, but it just feels wrong. I briefly talked about this to a friend, and she said that she would’ve told his wife. I don’t even think I have the guts to do that.

Ever since my friend told me that, I started casually bringing up his wife in conversations. He would always change the subject or say she’s not here. Anyway, all this is to ask: what should I do? Am I imagining things? I feel trapped. I can’t lose my job; I’m scared that it’ll take me forever to find another one. Also, all the kids love me, and I love them. I’ve really gotten attached to them.

I love Emmy too, and I mostly feel bad for her. What would you do in this situation? I’ve asked, and you can’t ban a family from attending a daycare, so that option is out of the window. Also, we can’t be on our phones 24/7, so it’s extremely hard to get “evidence.” Anything helps. Thank you!

Not long after posting, OP shared three small updates.

Edit: I’ve never seen his wife, he’s the one who does everything. Emmy has mentioned her a few times (saying things like “Mommy got me this shirt” or something) but I don’t even know what she looks like. He doesn’t talk about her unless I bring her up.

Edit 2: About the crop tops, we are allowed to wear them at work with long pants. Same thing with shorts, we can wear them with a non-cropped shirt. 90% of his comments about my piercing were outside of work, when I would run into him. Also, I blocked him. I don’t know if he noticed, but he’s blocked.

Edit 3: A lot of people are asking me why/what I am scared of. I don’t have an exact answer. I’ve had a lot of traumatizing experiences with men so I don’t feel comfortable around any man in general. I don’t have any guy friends.

It’s like I think of all the things they could do to me if they wanted to, then I get scared/uncomfortable. I know I have a fawn trauma response and I am working on it, I really am. Also, I have work on Friday (or Wednesday maybe) and I will talk to my supervisors and update.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

quilting_and_crafts wrote:

Stop FaceTiming him, don’t answer texts that aren’t about his kids WHILE you’re working, there’s no reason you have to respond to him at all honestly. Continue to bring his wife up when you talk to him. If you see him in public don’t be nice to him.

I had a student's father that made me uncomfortable, he got my number from a coworker. I was just a b-ch to him. I only contacted their mom about them. I mean honestly sometimes you just can’t be nice to people without giving them the wrong idea. I’m sorry he’s making you uncomfortable, this sucks.

Has422 wrote:

“That wouldn’t be appropriate” seems like a good response to 90% of his requests. I would get used to being comfortable saying that to pushy male customers.

OP responded:

I say that sometimes and he’s like “oh well you’re best friends with Emmy so we’re basically family” and I get scared so i just laugh it off or i try to end the conversations.

Kukka63 wrote:

Block his number immediately, this is really unprofessional and he is being very creepy. It was really unnecessary for you to give out your number, please be more assertive. You do not have to engage with him at all other than on a professional level. He is hounding you because he thinks he has a chance with you.

aliskiromanov wrote:

Tell your director in text to set up a meeting detailing what was said here. Then start documenting each instance you run into him during or outside of work. Try to always be in the middle of song time or reading a book when he comes in. Do you have other teachers in the room with you who you can explain the situation to and have intercept him?

I used to have a dad who would tip toe up behind me and whisper dirty jokes in my ear that I had to just be in a closest until his car left the parking lot (big closet more or a laundry room, ot was my job to organize do I'd pretend to be doing a task in there.

OP responded:

I tried to talk to one of my supervisors about it but rn they’re always busy (they’re the new owners of the daycare so they’re trying to figure everything out) so it’s never a good time. I am alone with my group. I see him in the morning when he’s dropping off Emmy and in the afternoon outside when he’s picking his kids up.

Our conversation in the morning are more brief bc all the parents are coming at the same time so there’s not much time. in the afternoon, he always tells Emmy to keep playing with her friends just to buy more time. When I tell him I have to go back to watching everyone he says that there are plenty of other educators who are watching them and not to worry about it.

I try to say things like hey I really have to go back to work/now’s not a right time but it’s like there’s nothing i can say to get through to him. I'm the one in charge of Emmy, I have to be the one to talk to him about Emmy’s day etc.

balancedbreaks wrote:

Don’t keep agreeing to what he asks you. You are not obligated to accept rides or give him your phone number. A simple “no thank you” or “I’m not comfortable doing that” is much more professional and doesn’t send mixed messages. Keep bringing up the wife in conversation, don’t reply to texts or face time with his daughter, and he will eventually get the point.

Speak with your supervisor about your concerns. The “accidental “ bumping into you is more concerning and maybe she or another staff could interact with him directly when he is there. But, the more you continue to not be firm with your boundaries, the more room you leave for him to misinterpret your actions for interest in him.

OP responded:

I do say those things and he says that we’re like family because I'm “friends” with his daughter. I don’t always answer and he’ll sometimes bring it up when he drops off/picks up his kids and I say things oh I was busy or I didn’t see it. I keep telling myself that this time ill be direct and just say no but I just get so scared.

It’s not like I'm full on flirting with him, I do reject him but not as firmly as I should I guess. Whenever he brings up dating, I say things like I'm not looking for a BF. And for the Facetime thing, one time he was being really insistent and I said no and the text time I saw them at work, Emmy asked me why I didn’t pick up the call and he said in front of her that I was being mean that day and that i didn’t wanna talk to her.

She ended up crying. I tried telling my supervisor and she said that she never noticed any weird behaviour from him and he’s a very friendly man. She asked me if I had any proof which I didn’t. IDK what else to do.

Three days later, OP shared another update.

Hello everyone,

I want to thank everyone who gave me advice. I tried to read every comment. Before I give you an update, I need to clarify a few things:

I don’t work at a school; it's a private, family-owned (i think) daycare. I have three managers—two women and one man. They became the new owners in January. I primarily interact with one of the female managers. I've tried to discuss this situation with her, but it’s never the right time.

For example, I’d knock on her office door and say I needed to talk about Emmy’s dad. She’d say she’s busy and ask me to come back later. When I did, she’d apologize and ask to talk the next day. She also suggested texting, but I didn't feel comfortable telling her everything through text.

Some suggested having another teacher watch my group when he arrives, but that’s not possible. In the afternoon, after nap time, we take the kids outside until their parents pick them up. All educators need to stay outside to supervise. When parents arrive, I discuss their child's day and hand over their keychain. It’s difficult because he always approaches me when I’m distracted, so I can’t warn a coworker.

Rides: The first time I saw him outside of work was at the grocery store. He recognized me, we chatted briefly, and he offered me a ride. I declined, but he insisted, saying it was ungentlemanly to let me carry groceries alone. He paid for my groceries and drove me home, despite my discomfort. I sat in the backseat, but still. I shouldn’t have said yes.

I was just so weirded out by the entire situation. The second time was at a gas station. After hanging out with a friend in his neighborhood, I stopped there for a drink. He saw me and again offered a ride. He was pushy, so I reluctantly agreed. That was the last time I accepted a ride from him.

Clothing: Most of his comments about my piercing happened outside of work. I don’t wear revealing clothes to work; I mostly wear sweats. Occasionally, I wear a long sleeve crop top with sweatpants, which my managers don’t mind. We’re allowed to wear mom shorts. But again, I most of the time I wear sweats.

Facetime: I’ve Facetimed his daughters three times, and each call lasted less than five minutes. I realize now that this was inappropriate, but yes it happened.

Texting: I don’t always respond to his texts. If he texts ten times, I might reply three times. The thing is, he often asks in person why I don’t respond, telling me he had something important to say. He’d sometimes say that in front of Emmy, then say, “You see that Emmy, she’s not nice to Daddy. She doesn’t want to talk to me.”

I live in Canada. Some suggested carrying pepper spray for protection, but it’s illegal here, so that’s not an option.

I don’t know his exact age, but I’d guess late 30s to mid-40s. I’ve never seen his wife; some suggested they might be separated. Maybe. Emmy has mentioned her mom before, but she seems closer to her dad.

The dating comment: I had ZERO idea my comment could be seen as flirting. I thought I was indirectly turning him down. When the topic of dating came up, I said I didn’t want a relationship.

He joked that we’d get along great, and I responded by saying “Don’t you think you’re a little too old for me?” And he said, jokingly, “Oh, man. Don't say that. You’re very mature.” That’s when I said that I wouldn’t date someone my age if I were his age.

Not long after posting, she shared another update.

Update: I was only scheduled on Friday this week but ended up working today too. I texted my manager saying that I have something very important to tell her about a parent and that I'm afraid my safety could be compromised. She asked me to come to her office before work to talk about it. I was very scared because reading the comments made me realize that I could lose my job because I gave him my number.

But I still told her everything (looking back, I missed a few things, but I told her the most important things). I told her about how, in the beginning (when I was assigned to his 2-year-old daughter's group), he was very friendly and nice to me, but it escalated when I started caring for Emmy. I told her about the grocery incident, the gas station incident, and seeing him near my neighborhood.

She kind of "defended" him by saying that I live near downtown, so it’s not a miracle to run into someone there. I then brought up the fact that, yes, I understand that, but he’s told me that he enjoys staying in his neighborhood and that I live so far away, and he doesn’t understand how I'm able to work at a job so far away, so it was weird to see him so much. I think it made her understand more.

I told her about the comments about my appearance. I asked her if it was possible to get assigned to another group, and she said yes. I told her about me giving him my number after feeling pressured, and she said that I shouldn’t have done that, that it’s very dangerous to give out personal information like that. She also said that, especially with my job, all communication must be through the app.

She said that she was a little more upset at the dad because he’s been attending that daycare for almost four years, and he knows that parents are not allowed to do that. I then told her about how he makes Emmy play with her friends when it’s time to go just to talk to me longer.

She said that since I won’t be assigned to Emmy’s group, I won’t even have to talk to him at all. She said that she’ll take care of it and let the other girls know to keep an eye on him. I told her about the Facetimes and how he told Emmy that I was mean for not answering one time and how he made her cry. She only said that that was out of line.

I asked if it was possible to “ban” him from attending, and she said maybe. She doesn’t have any solid proof (I showed her some text messages, but she said that he was being friendly in the messages and that there was nothing s-xual). She said that most of this was basically hearsay, and she doesn’t have concrete proof of him being an actual predator.

As for Emmy, we played together on the playground as usual. I think the hardest part for me is to slowly distance myself from her. I did, however, encourage her to play with her friends, but she would always come back every five minutes to ask to play with me. When her dad arrived, he greeted me and asked me about Emmy’s day and her keychain.

I said that I did not take care of her today and pointed to the girl that did. I then got up to get Emmy to tell her to leave. He tried to stop me, but I just kept walking. I didn’t really give him time to talk to me.

When I got Emmy, I gave her a hug, then stayed on the other side of the playground, and they left. I know it’s not much, but at least I avoided an interaction with him today. I think that’s it. I tried to answer everything.

The comments quickly came rushing in.

Notscruffynerfherder wrote:

If he texts you, tell him that you got a memo from work that says all interaction with parents must go through the app with no exceptions for legal and safety reasons and that you can't risk your job. Then block him.

Or just block him.

OP responded:

He’s already blocked but I’ve seen some comments saying that I should mute him instead to have proof of what he says. I’m not really sure what to do.

OKtodayithink wrote:

Good job! You did excellent.

Don’t worry about Emmy. She’ll be ok.

And now block his number and keep walking away when he wants to talk to you.

Adventurous-Travel1 wrote:

Block his number and now that you are in a different group hopefully it gets better.

Please going forward learn to say no I don’t give out personal information and no I don’t need a ride and walk away immediately.

Regicideispainless wrote:

OP needs to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

I just grabbed this summary of signs of danger, and her story checks so many boxes here. I bet she'll recognize more from this list.

"The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker highlights several key behaviors and signals that can indicate potential danger. These signs of danger are often subtle and may not seem threatening at first glance, but they can be crucial warning signs. Here are some expanded details on these signs:

Signs of Danger

Forced Teaming:

What It Is: This is when someone tries to create a sense of shared purpose or connection with you, even if it doesn't exist.

Example: A stranger at a bus stop saying, "Looks like we're in the same boat" to make you feel like you’re together in a situation.

Charm and Niceness:

What It Is: Overly charming or nice behavior that feels insincere. True charm is natural, but forced charm is a tactic to lower your defenses.

Example: A person who goes out of their way to be excessively helpful or complimentary.

Too Many Details:

What It Is: When someone gives you too much information, especially irrelevant details. This can be a way to distract or convince you of their sincerity.

Example: A stranger telling an elaborate story about why they need your help or why they’re in a particular place.

Typecasting:

What It Is: Using a slight insult or stereotype to make you prove them wrong.

Example: "You’re probably too stuck-up to talk to someone like me," prompting you to engage to show you’re not stuck-up.

Loan Sharking:

What It Is: Offering unsolicited help to make you feel indebted.

Example: A stranger helping you with your groceries without being asked, then expecting you to reciprocate in some way.

The Unsolicited Promise:

What It Is: Making promises to reassure you when there is no need for reassurance.

Example: "I’ll just leave after I use your phone, I promise." Legitimate situations don't usually require promises.

Discounting the Word “No”:

What It Is: Ignoring or arguing against your refusal, showing a lack of respect for your boundaries.

Example: Persistently asking you to do something after you’ve already said no.

Isolation Attempts:

What It Is: Trying to get you alone or away from a safe, public space.

Example: Suggesting you go somewhere private when you just met.

Recognizing These Signs

Pattern Recognition: Be aware of the context and look for patterns. One sign alone might not indicate danger, but multiple signs together could be a red flag.

Trust Your Intuition: Your subconscious mind picks up on these signs even if you’re not fully aware of them. If something feels off, it probably is.

Responding to Signs of Danger

Assertiveness: Firmly and clearly assert your boundaries. Saying no is a complete sentence.

Safety in Numbers: Stay in public places or with groups if you sense something is wrong.

Seek Help: Don’t hesitate to ask for help from others around you or contact authorities if you feel threatened.

Exit Strategies: Always be aware of exits and have a plan to leave if necessary.

OP responded:

Wow, thank you!

A day later, OP shared another update.

Hi, I saw some comments asking for an update, so I wanted to share what happened because I am too ashamed to tell someone in real life. I had work from yesterday 8 AM to 5 PM, then went straight to the gym to work out with a friend. I got there around 6 PM and worked out until about 8:30 PM. I was walking home (I live about 10 minutes away from my gym) when I heard someone behind me.

Looking back, I know I shouldn’t have walked home, but I didn’t think about it in the moment. I had music in my ears, so I didn’t know if someone was talking to me or on the phone, so I just kept walking. I felt the person getting closer and immediately thought, “Oh my God, what if it’s him?” I started walking a little faster. After about 2 minutes, the person tapped me on the shoulder.

When I turned around, it was him. My heart dropped. I immediately froze. I had practiced what to say if I ever got into this situation, but of course I had to forget everything. He acted like we ran into each other and said, “Hey, it’s nice seeing you.” I said, “Hi, nice seeing you, but I have to go.” He complimented my hair (I recently dyed it) and said it looked good on me.

I said a quick thank you and tried to leave. He then grabbed my wrist and said, “I don’t like when you act like that.” I just froze up; I couldn’t move. He asked why I don’t take care of Emmy anymore. He said that she constantly asks about me at home and that I make her cry. I stuttered and said I didn’t know, that I’m not the one who decides. I said I have to go now, sorry.

He then asked if I blocked him. I said I really can’t talk right now. He then blurted out that he saw me working out. He was doing all of this while grabbing my wrist, mind you. I didn’t know what to say, so I repeated that I had to go. He started looking at me up and down in a disgusting way. He was staring at my b--bs while smiling. He then started caressing my arms.

One arm stopped at my waist, and the other one kept caressing my arm. He would sometimes move it to my chest and touch me there. I don’t know why I didn’t just punch him in the face. I just could. not. move. Before you ask, I wasn’t wearing anything revealing. I had on a hoodie and sweatpants. I even removed my belly piercing because I don’t like this type of attention.

I eventually quietly said, “Can you please stop?” He looked at me, smiled, and then left. I’ve been getting SAed by men since the age of 7. I promised myself after getting SAed at 18 by a friend that I would never let it happen again. Now this. I don’t know why this keeps happening. Most of the time, I feel like my body isn’t even mine, just for someone else to use when they feel like it, no matter if I want it or not.

Maybe it was my fault because I shouldn’t have walked home knowing I had a “stalker”. Maybe it’s my fault because I didn’t tell him to leave me alone earlier. Maybe it’s my fault because I am 20 years old and I can’t f-ing say no. I know he didn’t full-on grab my t-ts and squeeze them, but I feel so so violated. I am too ashamed to reveal this to anyone.

I told my boss I was sick to avoid going to work for a couple of days. I went to the pol-ce station, but they said there wasn’t anything they could do legally because he didn’t commit actual cr-mes and that I didn’t really have any proof. I just feel like they didn’t take me seriously.

They gave me tips to be more careful like don’t walk late at night, change your number, don’t have the same routine, etc., but that’s it. They won’t give me a restraining order. I’ll be honest, I didn’t understand half of the terminology they were using. But from what I understood, we’re both adults so the texting and Facetimes aren’t incriminating enough. I guess I’ll just stay home.

I feel so dirty. I thought I had everything under control because I found a way to avoid him at work, but I guess I was wrong. I genuinely thought that I found a way to make everything stop. The worst part is I saw some comments saying that this whole situation could escalate if he finds out that I’m avoiding him and I didn’t believe them. Again, I was wrong.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or sympathy, but I don’t have anyone in my life who could help. Maybe some friends, but I am just so ashamed and embarrassed to say that a man was “groping” me and I basically let it happen because I was scared. It’s just humiliating.

As for my family, knowing my mom, she would most likely sl-t-shame me and say it’s my fault. But yeah, here’s the update I guess. I don’t know if I’ll update after this, mainly because I don’t know what else to do.

Not long after posting, OP shared another update.

Edit: I posted about him 4 days ago but I started having doubts about him stalking be like a month ago I think. I talked to my manager Wednesday and I got assigned to another group. I didn’t interact with him Wednesday and yesterday. HE is the one saying that his daughter is crying about not seeing me. I know it’s not true, he keeps saying stuff like this.

Saying things about his daughter to make me feel bad because he knows we’re close. When this incident happened, I went straight to the station near my home to tell them what happened (bc it’s opened day and night). I asked if with what I have I can have a restraining order and they said no. I know I'm updating quick but I genuinely don’t have anyone I can talk to about this.

Edit 2: Okay I think I’ll just quit my job stay with a friend for now. I’ll send an email explaining my situation with my boss and try to find a stay at home job. Thank you all

People had OP's back in the comments.

Magdovus wrote:

R-pe alarm. You can get them on Amazon. A big advantage is that is simplifies your decision making. You were overloaded with options. Do you scream? Tell him to stop? Punch him? The r-pe alarm cuts it down to one decision- trigger the alarm or not.

Also, part of indecision is often lack of a plan. Planning, in this context, is doing your thinking early so when the time comes you follow a script. For example, if he's stood square on to you and holding your arm, take a half step closer. He'll like that. He won't like you being in range to knee him in the balls.

As he bends over, go for the nose, eyes and ears. Try to rip his ears off. Imagine the above, run it like a movie. Now add in the r-pe alarm, or you screaming like a banshee. Consider other situations like this. Also, contact the authorities again. Ring them on the non emergency number. Cops are s-t at taking reports.

The call handlers are normally professional civilians who do this all the time. I used to be one. Even if they won't do anything, ask them for an incident number. That generates a record. Every time he does anything outside work, you ring up and state that it's an ongoing stalking incident and you want to report it and get a new number.

When you've got three, if the authorities still haven't done anything find out how to make a complaint. You could find a women's self defence class. Talk to the instructor, tell them what's happening. They may well be able to give you more specific advice than me. Also, ring your boss ASAP and let her know what happened. This is a serious issue for her too.

Junior_Past_6405 wrote:

Whoa! You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, your body YOUR choice. It can be really hard as a person who has experienced SA to defend yourself right then in the moment, it’s a trauma response and you have done nothing wrong by freezing. It is very important that you speak with your boss though, and get in to talk to a therapist hun.

OP responded:

Thank you 🩷 I honestly think I'm just gonna quit to not deal with this anymore

Outside_Cod667 wrote:

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. None of this is your fault.

Freezing up is a natural response; as frustrating as it is, it's completely natural.

As women we are taught to be nice in case they want to hurt you but also don't be nice because then you're inviting him and if he hurts you well you asked for it. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It's 100% his fault. It's never been your fault and you have no reason to be ashamed of anything.

Considering this has all happened to you before - yeah, I'd freeze up too. And I'd probably be nice to the guy because I don't want to upset him. YOU are NOT responsible for OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS. I'm sorry that your manager and the authorities failed you. I'm glad you reported it though, because if something else happens at least you have a record of this incident.

Edit to add: I think it's also a natural response to want to quit your job to avoid it. I want to say to everyone against this: please keep in mind this woman was not taken seriously by anyone she works with. Unfortunately, we ingrain that women CAN'T bring it up in our society.

I do agree with others that it would be best to speak up so that this doesn't happen to someone else - AND - it is completely understandable why this would be an incredibly difficult thing for you to do given your experience. To all women (myself included) - please be better and believe your fellow women so that this doesn't keep happening.

Krandle41709 wrote:

Hugs hugs hugs. I was 18 I had a creepy dude at Michael’s where I worked who’d come in with his kid to “buy art project materials” yet the whole time he’d follow me and hit on me. I told my boss, he got banned from our store and they’d make sure I had someone to walk to my Car with me. Hugs.

A few weeks later, OP shared another update.

Hello! A few weeks ago, I made a post about a man st*lking me at the daycare where I work. (I don’t know how to link it, if I knew I would!) I told my boss I was sick for four days in a row to avoid going to work. When I tried to call in sick again, she said she would have to fire me if I continued to skip work.

I decided to quit because I was too scared to return and even more scared to reveal the real reason for quitting. When this happened, I moved in with my friend. I initially told her I had a fight with my mom and needed a place to stay. Later, I explained the real reason, and she helped me write an email to my boss explaining everything. I filed a report, but nothing happened.

My boss contacted me two days later to discuss the situation. We had a Zoom meeting with all three of my bosses, and we talked about everything. She apologized for not taking me seriously and promised to do better. I asked if the man could be banned, but they said it was harder than I thought and would be hard on the kids.

The best they could do was wait until August/September when his oldest daughter would start school, and they would ask him to enroll his youngest in another daycare. My boss asked if I could eventually return to work, and I agreed on the condition that I wouldn't have to go outside or take care of his daughters. They agreed, and I returned to work the next day.

I also found his wife's email address on the daycare app and told her everything. I was scared it could backfire, but I felt she needed to know. She thanked me, explained that they were separated and in the process of getting a divorce, and said this wasn't the first time he had targeted a caretaker.

She said she doesn’t speak to him unless she absolutely has to, and the reason he does the pick up/drop offs is because she lives too far away. She advised me to avoid him and warned that he could be charming and friendly but was dangerous. She said he had a thing for young girls and not to fall into his trap like she did. She gave me her number to call if I needed anything.

My first few days back at work were fine. I would stay in the kitchen in the mornings to avoid him and would clock out before the parents arrived. However, I ran into him once when he picked up his youngest early. We were both surprised, and he tried to talk to me, but I quickly said hi and left.

After that incident, I started receiving no caller ID calls again, which had stopped when I moved in with my friend. I went to the authorities to document everything and showed them the email from his ex-wife.

They advised me to change my number, which I did, but they haven't contacted me since. He found my Instagram and sent me a request. My account is private, so I deleted the request, but he sent another one.

My Instagram username is my first and last name, and I have an uncommon last name, so I'm worried about what he could find next. I changed my username, but he already saw it. My email address also is my first and last name. I'm considering quitting again and am wondering if I'm exaggerating because he hasn't done anything yet.

However, he knows my job, full name, Instagram, old phone number, and possibly my address and email. Should I tell his wife or meet up with her? I feel that if I tell my boss, they will just tell me to wait until September, and the authorities aren't doing anything. I partly blame myself for going back to the job where my problems started, but I love it and it pays well.

I think moving to another city would be the best scenario, but I can't afford it right now, hence why I went back to work in the first place. I always carry a r-pe alarm on me now, feeling that he could appear anytime, and it's so unfair. Please, I need advice. Thank you! Edit: I’m from Ontario Canada!!

The comments kept coming in.

CTV8R wrote:

OP

There is a lot of good advice here, let me add my thoughts -

I was the victim of a stalker for 8 months when I was 30.

He was released from prison and on pr-bation for stalking. He moved in with his mother in my apartment building and found me. It took a lot of work to keep my sanity and safety, but it is critical that you put your energy into it because

- You have done nothing wrong.

- You do not deserve this.

-You are not alone although many people will either fail you, take it less seriously or will be inactive

-Yes, you will slip and automatically say "Hi" without thinking, then realize it is him.

My thoughts for you:

Find a women's shelter and schedule an appointment with one of their counselors. Tell them you need recommendations on sources of help and guidance on what to do to protect yourself.

You need to know what to say to your employer and how they can support you

You need to know what legal steps you can take to protect yourself

You may need an attorney to send a demand letter to him and even apply for a protective order

They can help you AND you need counseling on how to process this situation. You are the victim of an ongoing cr-me; you cannot navigate this on your own.

Continue documenting everything

Send the ex-wife the Police Case # so she has it if she or her attorney want it, she may ask you for updates which will help both her situation and will bolster you, reminding you that you are not alone

I cannot remember if I read this or not, you must tell him to stop communicating with you. It will be uncomfortable and difficult, but you have to do so, even if it is right after you blurt out Hi instinctively. Say something short and to the point "I've noticed your level of attraction and communication is increasing, this is not comfortable or welcome, stop interacting with me."

Did your employer send him any note or message? I would ask them to send him a note saying an employee has registered a complaint and the day care requests he eliminate interacting with you. They may not want to do it, but ask them.

Here's the BS thing about men like this, people don't really know how to handle this and too often people marginalize the situation. My own family really didn't understand what was happening to me until they arrested him, and he was sentenced to a year in pris-n.

Consider keeping an air horn on you. If he bothers you, you can blast it, startle him and generate attention of others, just keep saying "get away." Go directly to the police department and report the interaction. The air horn is not illegal like mace, or a weapon might be, and it is a unique sound that will cause attention which may be a deterrent.

Here's another piece of advice - please do not consider uprooting your life, career and city because of him until you first meet with counselors who are professionally trained in stalking and unwanted advances from men.

You have done nothing wrong and deserve to live your life the way you want to live. Good luck, you can do this, we are all behind you; feel free to message me if you want, auntie in CT is here for you.

Magdovus wrote:

Don't delete your socials. That's evidence. Just ignore it, so it's there to show the authorities. Evidence is key to the p-lice being able to do something - remember that they have to have evidence in order to take action.

How did you leave things with his wife? If she asked to be kept up to date then do so, otherwise I'd just check in with her every could weeks.

You're doing well dealing with this. I'm glad you got the alarm. Stay strong, and document everything!

OP responded:

She told me I could call her anytime and give me info about him whenever.I just don’t feel comfortable telling her all of this when she doesn’t want anything to do with him so I feel a little stuck. Thank you so much!

Quiet_Water0128 wrote:

This is really scary, OP. This man isn't backing down, he's ramping up his st-lking by sending IG requests after you blocked him on IG already. His wife can't fix this. TELL YOUR BOSS and please report his repeated efforts to your local police department. This is stalking. And stop saying, "Hi" to him. At all. No words. You shouldn't have to leave a job to avoid a st-lker.

OP responded:

My boss said it would be too stressful on the kids for them to change daycares right now and leave all their friends behind so “for the sake of the kids” we have to wait till september. & yes I know!!

I wanna stop saying hi to him but it’s like an automated thing. Like as soon as I see a parent or a kid at work I automatically say hi. I didn’t even register it was him at first

Status-Biscotti wrote:

Have you specifically told him to stop? At this point it seems like you have enough support around you to do so., and you’re not going to get in trouble since they know what’s going on. Can you get your boss to intervene and ask him to stop contacting you?

OP responded:

Yes and I have told him I’m not interested. I told my boss, but she says to not respond to him.

Mtdewbakablast wrote:

I hope the commenter at the end there going "ummm akshuallyyyyyyy... but did you specifically ask him to stop???" lives the rest of their life always finding legos to step on, always noticing their bread is mouldy after eating half the slice, always noticing that apple had a worm in it by finding the half they didn't eat.

I hope they're always in clothing that doesn't fit enough to be comfortable but isn't so ill-fitting they can justify buying a replacement, always passing a kidney stone right when any major events they are excited for comes up including holidays, and always inflicted by a yeast infection. That last one is harder to manage for folks with outside plumbing but I have faith. Candida, go rot that fool's entire undercarriage.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Hi everyone, just a quick update: I am alive and well. I don’t know why it’s not letting me respond to DMs. I basically live with my friend now. I still go to work but am trying to find a new job. I’m keeping this one until I find another. The only thing is, I don’t know where to apply.

I can’t live with my friend forever—she’s trying to find a roommate for July 1st, and I can’t officially move out yet. I feel like if I apply for a job near my house, it would be too easy for him to find me. If I apply far from home, I feel like it would be easier for him to attack me on my way back every day. I’ve been trying to pick up the habit of recording every time I leave my classroom or go outside to gather evidence.

I forget sometimes, but I really try. I stopped going to the gym because he knows where it is. He also found my new number—I have no idea how. He keeps calling me, so I always have my phone on do not disturb now. On June 18th, he called me 19 times from different numbers with a 647 area code (it used to be 249). I don’t have concrete proof it’s him, but I can feel it.

I changed my email address, deactivated Instagram, and made a new one with 15 close friends. I showed the phone calls to the authorities, and they told me to send the evidence to an email address they gave me. However, since the numbers keep changing, it’s not considered good evidence. They told me to keep trying to find more evidence (isn’t that their job???) and to change my number AGAIN.

I also emailed his ex-wife, telling her that he found my Instagram and new number. She replied with a lengthy email, basically advising me not to respond to him because he’s dangerous. She gave me examples of how he used to treat her and her kids. She said he buys their love with toys and that she caught him touching himself to their previous nanny’s pictures.

She suggested deleting any photos of me on social media because he might be doing the same with mine. She’s been wanting a divorce for a long time, but he keeps dragging it out. He tells everyone he’s happily married and still wears his ring. She’s terrified for her kids because he always feeds them lies.

I deleted my Facebook too. I showed my boss the calls, but she didn’t seem to care and doubted my concerns. She was like, “Do you REALLY think he’s like that? I’ve known him for years, I promise he’s so nice.” I’m actually considering suing them because I think she finds me stupid. I had a panic attack yesterday because I can’t fucking walk without thinking every man behind me is him.

I don’t know how to sue someone, let alone a workplace, but I’ll do my research. I bought wasp spray, but I don’t carry it because knowing myself, I will just freeze up and what if he ends up using it on me? Ultimately, I think I’m going to move. I’m considering moving to Montreal—I have a friend there, and I just want to get away from everything.

Sorry for posting about the same situation for a month straight, but I don’t want to bother my roommate all the time, and I don’t want to scare her into making me move out. It’s such a weird situation, and it’s hard to explain to people, like it’s not like I’m a celebrity with a crazy fan.

But yea little update, I guess I’ll change my number again. (Also my phone’s in french haha don’t mind that, jeudi means Thursday, vendredi means Friday and lundi means Monday). Thank you everyone for the support, I feel less alone.

The internet was glad to hear from OP.

Potential_Diver3137 wrote:

I’m HR. Ten bucks your boss gave him your number. Here’s what you do - set up a google phone number and use that one for work; they’re free. Don’t give it to anyone else. If he gets the number, you know how and you have yourself a case.

grumpy__g wrote:

And the authorities still doesn’t do anything? Restraining order? Nothing?

I am sorry you are going through this.

OP responded:

No nothing :(

Jsmith2127 wrote:

Since your boss doesn't think he's that bad and is so nice I wouldn't count out the fact that they may have given him your new number. When I was in a similar situation, and the guy showed up at my house, after everything I found out the person that gave the guy my address was a woman my friends and I babysat for.

angrymom284710394855 wrote:

YOUR BOSS GAVE HIM YOUR NEW NUMBER. I don’t know them but I know that to be an absolute FACT.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Hi everyone! Okay, I think this is officially the final update about my situation. On Canada Day, I randomly ran into a girl I went to elementary school with, and we chatted for a while. She told me she had moved to a new place, so I jumped at the chance to ask if she needed a roommate. She said it would be great because she desperately needs someone.

I looked up the area and found that I could definitely find a job there. I’ll only tell a handful of people where I’m moving, but I am so happy I finally have a place. His ex-wife and I met up at a café, and I updated her on everything. I finally told her about how he touched me that one night after the gym because, up until that point, I hadn’t told anyone, not even the authorities.

I also told her that he still wears his ring and says he’s married. I shared everything I could, and we comforted each other for a while. She said that one time she went through his work phone and saw videos of their previous nanny (who was 16/17 at the time) changing.

Now I’m terrified he may have videos of me because I’m not sure he doesn’t know where I live, and I tend to change in front of my window sometimes without realizing it. It also kind of surprised me, but she said not to let him know that I know he’s getting a divorce. She advised me to act like I don’t know anything.

As for my creeper, I haven’t seen him since the incident where we ran into each other near the nursery, but I keep getting calls. People have asked me what he says when I pick up, but he doesn’t say anything. He spams me, I answer, then he doesn’t say anything, so I hang up. As for my boss, I don’t know if there is an HR department where I work.

When I got hired, I didn’t sign any paperwork, I just gave them my SSN and ID. I sent an email to my boss explaining that I am quitting because she’s enabling SA To summarize, I said that she’s failing to protect her staff. I don’t want to sue them because I don’t want to get into this whole thing; I just want to leave. She apologized and asked to meet up, but I didn’t answer because I feel like she will gaslight me.

I am getting my number changed and moving soon. I told his ex-wife she could use everything I told her for her divorce. I told her that she could tell my boss what I told her too, if she wanted. Hopefully, everything is over now so I can finally shut up about this lol. Thank you all!!

The internet was deeply invested.

Altruistic_Appeal_25 wrote:

Did anyone say how the former nanny got away from him? Did it go on until he fixated on someone else?

OP responded:

The wife told the nanny behind her husbands back that they found someone else to babysit and not to come back.

SensitiveSand9775 wrote:

I’ve been following your story this whole time and I just wanted to say that

I’m so proud of you OP!!!

I wish for ur success in this new place! 💗

OP responded:

Thank you!!❤️❤️

Ashamed-Vacation-495 wrote:

I've been following your story for not too long but so glad that opportunity came up with your friend to get away from him. Best of luck!

OP responded:

So am I! Thank you🤍🤍

SweetWaterfall0579 wrote:

OP, I have been wondering what would happen. You have a squad of Reddit moms cheering for you! Hooray for OP! I’m sorry that you were the only one to protect you. No one has helped, not your boss, not the authorities, but the soon to be ex listened to you. She knows what she’s escaping. She knows what he has done, before you, and to you, and knows he will not stop.

I am so proud of you, OP! YOU did it!! You took care of yourself! Idk that I could have done that, at 20. Look how strong you are. I really am proud of you! You could run the world.

Keep being you, OP. You rock! 💕

© Copyright 2024 Someecards, Inc

ADVERTISING
Featured Content