'Am I overreacting to a secret my husband just casually let slip on a date?' UPDATED

"Am I (27F) overreacting to a secret my husband (28M) just casually let slip on a date?"

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 12. The thing I have always loved most about this man is that he adores me and is always 100% honest with me. Well, we just got home from a date. I’m still sitting in the car wondering if I’m crazy. But, there was a time when we were about 23-years-old where I really wanted a baby.

We tried so hard for about a year but it never happened. Honestly, I can admit now that that idea was out there and I’m genuinely glad we didn’t conceive then because our lives are so great now and at this point I don’t even think I want kids.

Anyways. On our date, he mentioned that time period where we were trying/ and he let slip that every day before we did it he would whack off so that there would be less of a risk that it would actually happen. I think he admitted this because I was just talking about how glad I was that we didn’t have kids. So he felt comfortable admitting that.

I was too taken aback and started crying mid date. I know; it sounds dramatic; but I feel like I just learned that he’s never been 100% honest with me like I thought. Why not just talk to me then and say “hey; I don’t think it’s the right time” instead of manipulating me?

We did it every single day during that time and now I just am questioning everything. He’s acting like it’s no big deal and that I’m just overreacting but I feel extremely hurt right now. So, am I blowing this out of proportion?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

BinjaNinja1 wrote:

Perhaps it bothers you so much because love, marriage, children are huge deals, pretty big things to lie or be manipulative about even though in this case it worked out. I would be asking myself and him if there is anything else he needs to tell me about. If not I would try to move past this one but he would need to acknowledge why I’m so upset instead of being so dismissive.

I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t appreciate it if the confession was the other way around and you were doing something behind his back to increase the chances of conception without telling him. I would need him to get that before I could move on.

xparapluix wrote:

You’re mad because he not only hasn’t been honest with you, but also because you now know you can’t trust him to be honest for hard conversations AND that he was willing to be dishonest about things if it benefits him.

He didn’t talk to you about not wanting children right then, but he was happy enough to have unprotected s** with you while trying to make sure you wouldn’t get what you want. I honestly would never see someone who did that to me the same.

starry-dust4444 wrote:

Whacking off beforehand is not an effective form of birth control. I don’t know how long you two tried but it seems strange that you two didn’t conceive during that time. One of you may have fertility problems. I wouldn’t be happy to learn my partner intentionally deceived me by attempting to sabotage our plans to have a child. That’s a deal breaker.

only_dick_ratings wrote:

I would feel really hurt by that. His lack of honesty and maturity at the time is upsetting. And it sucks that he doesn't realize today how hurtful it is. I don't know if it helps any but masturbating beforehand does pretty much nothing in terms of fertility so he didn't actually help himself any.

I would still be upset though and I would tell him that. You're upset by the lies and manipulation and that's fair Also like. Ask yourself if he has a pattern of lying and being manipulative instead of talking about his feelings honestly because man that sucks.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: Hey everyone, I wanted to let everyone know what transpired last night following this post. I go SO many helpful comments and I appreciate them all.

Some comments were very ‘out there’ and dramatic (even for me ;)) but I still appreciate the time it took to read my post and reply. I saw some common themes so I wanted to clarify some things. Firstly, I did reflect back on that time and realized that I did have baby fever.

And while he NEVER outright told me he didn’t want a baby, I can see now that he wasn’t as enthusiastic as I was so that could be on me for being so focused on what I wanted. Secondly, I was NEVER upset that he didn’t want a baby or even the way he went about it, the only thing that hurt my feelings was the withholding of information and not being direct with me.

Following the initial hurt of the situation, we did sit down and talk it out. We have grown, and I explained my feelings to him. He apologized and understood why I felt hurt. We’re going to be fine. I made it clear that in the future, he doesn’t need to do something just to make me happy if his heart isn’t in it and we both agreed to be more direct with one another.

We read some of the comments on this post together. Some made him open his eyes to how I was feeling (thank you) and others made us laugh out loud because they were a bit extreme (also thank you because laughing together helped us 🫶🏼) And yes, we now know that is NOT an effective form of birth control ;)

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

redditinberlin wrote:

Update: he would definitely do it again and lie to you again.

You cannot trust him. Once a liar always a liar...

tigray wrote:

Oh boy some commenters are not going to like the update. Tough stuff. Go get divorced yourself if you’re so into it.

assignmentpurple4121 wrote:

The main issue is that he chose manipulation. I believe the correct word is subterfuge. He was lying with his actions not words. It sounds like you’ve forgiven him and that’s wonderful. In your baby fever maybe he felt no space to voice his feelings and unfortunately chose what he thought was the best way to get what he wanted. Which wasn’t.

However what if you DID get pregnant?! And he wasn’t ready. Then that could’ve resulted in his resenting you. resenting fatherhood it could’ve had a really negative effect on the rest of your lives and spiraled out of control. Kind honesty is the best policy. And do emotional check-ins to see if y’all are on the same page.

And no dramatic reactions so he feels he can talk to you. And let me be clear, no matter how dramatic your baby fever was, he should’ve never tried to manipulate y’all’s situation. Terrible choice on his part. But as the years go on he’ll have to forgive you for something big bc you will do something to offend or hurt him….and you will have to forgive him for some other knuckle-headed thing he does.

That’s life. No one’s perfect. We just have to learn from our mistakes & do better next time! Lead with love. Glad y’all worked it out. And later kids may actually be what y’all BOTH DECIDE to have. ♥️ but for now sounds like love wins 🥰