'Am I wrong for disliking intimacy with my husband even though I don’t know why?' UPDATED 3X

Getting to the bottom of a feeling can be hard work, especially if that feeling is affecting the quality of your marriage.

"Am I wrong for disliking intimacy with my husband even though I don’t know why?"

I (23F) have been married to my husband (25M) for nearly 5 years together almost 8. At the beginning of our relationship, we never did anything physical as he was LDS and I waited for him to get home from his mission. When he got home, we both left the church and started doing physical intimacy. So much so, I remember a particular day we did it 4 times in the one day.

That outcome was my first of 5 pregnancies and misc*rriages. For some reason around 3 years ago, every time he asked for intimacy, not even penetration, just other stuff I got disinterested. I’ll be fine, and in the mood but the SECOND he asked or initiates I get filled with dread. It feels like the same feeling I get when I have to do chores or go to work. But I genuinely don’t know why.

I love my husband, I think he’s the hottest guy alive. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Other than some BJs we haven’t had gone all the way in almost a year…he’s expressed so many times how sad he is and how much it’s affecting him. While I know he isn’t going to cheat and I don’t like the thought of him being with other women but I don’t know what to do.

I’m sure he thinks I think he’s ugly but that’s so far from the truth. I know we’ve gone through some rough patches, I’ve changed and put on a lot of weight and I hate it but he loves me just the same so why can’t I just like doing it with him again? I’m scared my marriage is falling apart.

Not long after posting, OP shared two small updates.

EDIT/UPDATE: I just want to say thank you to everyone WHO has offered such wonderful advice and thoughts behind this and reached out personally and said they went through the same thing. I felt like I was the only one out there who was “broken." To answer some questions. I did phrase it weird but yes it was 5 misc*rriages, one with twins.

The LDS part I kinda threw in there as to show we didn’t see each other for 18 months. He didn’t go the whole 2 years as he never wanted to go to begin with. I didn’t grow up in the faith like him. I grew up pretty agnostic. I only joined to please my future (now) in laws. A lot of you guys did suggest checking hormones and therapy.

I don’t have insurance but, I did talk to my husband a few weeks ago and he suggested buying a send in kit to check estrogen and progesterone and bought one for me! He’s very very very supportive. So I am waiting on the results. I think I am going to talk to him about therapy like you guys suggested. I think you guys are onto something with the miscarriages maybe effecting me more than I thought.

EDIT 2: To answer a few more questions, many keep stating I have religious trauma because I didn’t say “s*x” in this post. That is not the case. I wasn’t raised in the church, I don’t believe in god. He was raised in it. I only went to please his parents for a while. We’re not getting pregnant and having a lot of babies to follow “cult teachings” as some have said!! I’ve miscarried each of them.

After we were married we did try because we do want ONE kid and that’s it. He’s not forcing me to be a baby machine like some people have said. He only wants one kid too. Some keep saying I’m lesbian, you’re close. I am bis*xual. But I have been unapologetically out for years now. I definitely enjoy p*nis and v*gina alike. I am truly unsure what’s going on now.

I will go more in depth tomorrow since it’s 4 am right now but to sum it up we’re going to work through the steps of both therapy and medical issues as I do have PCOS. He is in full support. I also have seen some comments about his age. He’s 1 year 9 months older than me. When I turn 24 he will STILL be 25 for a few months. We were in high school together. He’s not some creep who groomed me hahaha!

When he was and I was 16-17, 18 you have to keep in mind he was 1000 miles away from me where the church at the time only allowed letters. The content was basic. “I love you. Can’t wait until the two years are up” I would understand if he was graduated etc when we got together but that was not the case.

We were both just two teens in love that are now going through s*x issues that we are going to work on together to figure out.

The internet shared their thoughts on the matter.

RugbyLock wrote:

Info: I don’t mean to bring up sensitive topic, but could be relevant. You note 5 pregnancies and miscarriages, were all 5 misc*rriages? Could you be unconsciously relating s*xual intimacy with your husband and that pain and grief from your pregnancies, therefore putting you out of the mood? As others noted, look into outside sources of help such as therapy and your doctor.

[Deleted] wrote:

Sounds like a trauma response, possibly associating s#x with pregnancy/misc*rriage.

_dontWakeDaddy_ wrote:

The only thing that would make you an AH in this situation is doing nothing to try to fix it.

Get a check up with your doctor, see a therapist, save your marriage.

SJoyD wrote:

Your psyche is afraid to get pregnant again. How did he handle your pregnancies and misc*rriages? Are you on birth control now to prevent pregnancy? How is the relationship otherwise? There is so much about us that relates to s#x that seems unrelated to s#x. You (and everyone) should read a book called "Come as you are."

Neat_Fish-4593 wrote:

Neither of you are wrong here. He is communicating with you that he is unhappy with the lack of a s#x life. You had 5 pregnancies and misc*rriages so it’s completely understandable that you have some hang ups about s#x. You would be wrong if you don’t try to get help and he would be right for filing for divorce if he feels like you’ve taken zero steps towards working on this issue.

S#xual compatibility is vital to a happy marriage. You need to see a doctor and a therapist. Your husband feels hurt, so make sure to sit down and talk with him to tell him it is not him. Tell him you have something going on and you’re going to take steps to work on it.

If he is a good man, then he will support you in any way he can. But absolutely keep communication open and honest with him, you’re both in this together.

Six months later, OP shared an update.

Hello, everyone! About 200 days ago I (F24) posted about the many issues going on regarding my intimate life with my husband (M25). I just want to thank everyone for all the suggestions for medical testing, therapy, meds, as well as their own personal stories going through the same thing!

After all the comments I had received, I decided to go to the doctor, from there she tested my hormones, and put me on depression medication as well as therapy. Turns out my hormones were out of wack, and I have severe anxiety and depression as well as unresolved grief from my miscarriages.

Basically to sum it up, we are more than okay now! After all the help I’ve been getting as well as his own, I feel s#xier than ever and it’s fantastic! Thank you again!!!

The internet was so happy to hear the positive update.

SlumSlug wrote:

I am so f-ing happy for you and your husband!

It’s nice to see a positive update on here even after a long time. I wish you nothing but the best going forward.

DragonScrivner wrote:

Congrats, OP—glad to hear you and your husband are doing well and are there for each other ❤️

ABitOfOrange wrote:

I am so happy for you! I am glad you took the time to take care of yourself and get to a better spot. I hope it keeps getting better.

enchantedrrose wrote:

So happy for you. If you don’t mind me asking, what hormones were off? I’m waiting on blood test results and a hormone panel myself due to diminished libido. Did you have to take hormone supplements? I feel like such a shell of a person with no libido. I am so happy for you that you were able to solve everything and are happy again!

rocketlauncher10 wrote:

I can't fathom not being aware of your own depression and anxiety. I guess that's like how I was before I was diagnosed and before I really thought of it? You know when I am alone I feel like I'm an alien. Sometimes I just don't really know what people are going through.

It sounds like OP and her husband are on a path toward sustained intimacy.