Young parolee faces moral dilemma when brother drops off his kids, never picks them up. AITA? + UPDATE
"Am I wrong for sending the kids away?"
I, 20M live alone in a small apartment that was given to me from my grandparents a few months ago as a gift for them feeling bad for me. I have 3 older siblings, 2 of which I don't really have contact with nor my parents, but I'm pretty close with my older brother, 29M.
On Christmas Day, my brother dropped his 2 kids off at my place - 5F & 3M and asked me to watch them for a few hours whilst he went out with his mates for drinks. I said sure, I love my niece and nephew but it was a sudden big change.
I've been in trouble with the law in the past, I'm currently on parole with an ankle monitor and I've done time a few years ago. I'm going down a better path now, but because of my past my family really distanced themselves from me, so I had been living alone in this cruddy apartment for a really long time.
I was isolated and got so used to my own company that suddenly 2 little kids running around was very overwhelming and mentally challenging. My niece was born premature, so she was late in development and has some neurological issues.
She isn't very vocal, she was non-verbal for half of her life but she is very observant and listens to everything that is said. My nephew is like every other toddler, extremely rowdy and pretty snappy too. They're both handfuls, and having them together is worse.
At around 10pm I had called my brother to ask him when he was coming to get the kids but he never responded and I ended up keeping them through the night, and the next morning I tried to call him again but he wouldn't answer.
Fast forward a few more days and the kids were still with me and I hadn't heard a word from my brother. I was overtired - hadn't slept in days since the kids had been sleeping in my bed and I had been on the couch which isn't comfortable whatsoever and they were constantly earbashing me asking when their dad was coming back for them.
I knew I was more than capable to take the kids back to him myself, but I hate leaving home for personal reasons and prefer being inside where I feel safe. I was on the phone with one of my mates the other night venting to him about the kids and how they were basically doing my head in and how my brother was ghosting me, and he told me he would go around to his house for me and ask.
I said thanks, hung up and when I walked out of the room I found my niece standing on top of the kitchen bench holding a pair of bolt cutters trying to hit the fan with them. That was the last straw for me.
I called my brother, of course he didn't respond and I left him a message threatening to call child services to come and take them away if he didn't show up soon. A few minutes later he called me, yelling down the line saying that my mate had been to his house and called me a eff-wit for even thinking about sending the kids away.
I explained to him that I was tired of looking after of them and that I wasn't fit for it either, but he was adamant that he was too busy and needed my help. He is a single father - the mother ran off with some other guy after my nephew was born and she's vanished off the face of the earth. He was planning on taking it to court to try and some sort of support, but he never went through with it for some reason.
We argued back and a forth for a bit but it was honestly like talking to a brick wall and I was sick of him insulting me and calling me many different things, so I hung up and called services to come and take the kids. They showed up a bit later and took them to a temporary placement for the night, but it didn't feel great honestly.
My brother won't speak to me at the moment, and because of that I don't really have any updates on whether or not he has the kids back and if they're alright, but I feel genuinely awful about it.
Mentally, I'm not in the right headspace to be looking after 2 young kids that were thrown onto me during the lowest point in my life when I'm struggling to get through at the moment but I really can't tell if I'm in the wrong here.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
NTA. You agreed to watch the kids for a few hours, not multiple days. I understand him getting too drunk to come get them that night, but at least he should've gotten them the next day. And completely ghosting you? Even if you had been up to taking care of his kids for multiple days, their one parent should definitely not cut contact with his kids completely.
He should've been a lot more upfront with you. If he needed help with babysitting more regularly, he could've discussed a schedule with you - preferably without regular overnight stays by them, maybe a few hours each day - but something you agreed to ahead of time, most importantly. Honestly I'm amazed you lasted as many days as you did.
Not wrong. You did the best you could to care for them and you gave your brother every opportunity to come get his children. He didn’t want to. Your brother is the wrong one. He’s the person who committed a felony by abandoning his children.
Agree. NTA, for sure. You agreed to help for a few hours, not turn into a full-time caregiver. Ghosting you like that is beyond messed up, and he should’ve been upfront about needing help. A proper schedule or even a heads-up would’ve been the least he could do.
He abandoned them without a word. That"s beyond terrible. You did exactly the right thing. The authorities will make the decision whether he ever gets them back. Now it's your turn to ghost him.
You are not wrong. You did nothing to feel guilty about. The person who is wrong is your brother. I would suggest you seek therapy. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life.
Ten days later, he OP returned with an update.
After a pretty intense CPS fight my brother, his name is Justin, managed to get his kids back from the placement they were put in. He had to pass a house inspection and had to do a few drug tests before the kids were allowed to be back in his care.
Funnily enough, after everything was cleared he did it again. The kids were only with him for a singular day, then he dumped them with one of his mates, who wasn’t as patient as I was and called CPS pretty quickly. This time the police were brought in as well and they tracked him down to wherever he was.
My other older brother Keaton called me that same day, which was a bit of a shock as I haven’t heard from him for almost 4 years now. He asked me for my opinion on the situation and what we should do. We had a long chat about Justin and he told me that our parents were just hysterical about the whole thing.
The kids were going to be put in foster care if no one stepped up. Keaton couldn’t take them as he already has enough kids of his own, my sister Rachel is overseas at the moment, my parents just aren’t suited to care for 2 little kids and obviously they weren’t going back to Justin, so I’m currently in the process of having them placed with me.
Hopefully it’ll be much easier as last time as it’s going to be a lot more organised. They’ll have more clothes, toys, toothbrushes etc and I’ve got time to prepare myself.
I don’t have a job at the moment, haven’t been cleared yet by my parole officer to get one and Keaton was telling me before he hung up that I should be petty and take Justin to court and get child support from him.
Justin still hasn’t spoken to me since the last incident and I don’t think he’s going to ever again which is a bit of a shame since he was really the only family member that I have contact with. I have no idea where he is, what the police have done or are going to do. If anyone has ideas let me know?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
I don't see this happening. No job, on parole for who knows what, and it sounds like only one bedroom. Yeah, there's no way they're going to give those kids to someone with no visible means of support.
It seems like you personally have a lot going on. Are you sure this is what’s best for you?
Have they already agreed to place the children with you? If not, you aren't likely to meet the requirements even for a family foster placement. Odds are that the kids will be placed somewhere else, you should be prepared for that. If you work with them, though, you can get visitation time with the kids and work towards meeting the requirements to have them in your home.
You probably don't have to worry about getting child support. If you have the children in your care you may get money provided for kinship care and the government will go after your brother for child support.
You may also want to start some online schooling for yourself so you can better provide for them in the future. Remember, your past doesn't matter to them it's what you make of your future that will count to those children. Think forward.
A one bedroom isn’t healthy for you and the kids - doesn’t matter if the kids have clothes and toothbrushes and toys this time, you can barely take care of yourself and you are not emotionally equipped to take these kids. Please be a safe space for them and maintain contact while they are in foster care. That’s the best idea for everyone’s long term life development.