'Am I wrong for not supporting my wife's surrogate pregnancy?' MAJOR UPDATE

Making a giant life decision your spouse disapproves of is going to cause trouble in paradise, that's a guarantee.

"Am I wrong for not supporting my wife's surrogate pregnancy?"

My wife and I have been married for about 3 years. Together for 5. She has a 16-year-old daughter she gave birth to when she was a teen, but we both decided we won't have children, her and I. My wife's best friend asked her to surrogate for him and his husband, and she agreed. I opposed to this, but she told me to deal with it.

I told her fine, but don't expect any help from me. Now, she's uncomfortable being pregnant, she feels nauseous, tired, and sore. I still do the things I would do if she wasn't pregnant, but when she complains about cravings, or needing something from the store for her pregnancy, I tell her to call her best friend.

Her best friend and his husband are calling me an AH, but I remind them that isn't my baby, and not my responsibility.

The internet had a lot of comments and question to add.

Egbert_64 wrote:

Whose egg was used to make the embryo. Hoping not hers. That would just take this to a whole different level. Are they paying her a surrogate fee? I feel sorry for OP. I would not be surprised if he leaves her over this. And I really couldn’t blame him. Her ignoring his views is very hurtful.

OP responded:

No, it's not my wife's egg. It was a donor. Not sure who, but she doesn't have any connections to me or my wife. Well, at least not before this.

Lanky_Ground_309 wrote:

I don't see a marriage climbing back from this hole.

ihateyou1975 wrote:

Not wrong. What was wrong was her telling you to put up with it. This isn’t something you do when your spouse says no. This is a 9 mo process of growing a baby, assuming she carries to term. 9 mom if possible pain, sickness, fatigue. And then recovery. It may go wonderfully and she be an easy pregnant woman. It may be hard as hell and wreck her body and mental health.

This is why both have to agree. She may never be the same again. Is it her egg? Or purely a gestational carrier? Tell her “friend” to F off. You didn’t knock her up. You didn’t sign up for this, you didn’t get a say on this. This is on her and him and honestly. If a spouse ever disregarded me in such a monumental decision, I’d leave.

bushelpluspeckcorep wrote:

I’m assuming this isn’t an official surrogacy because the husband to the surrogate HAS to agree if they are married. This sounds like something that’s not going through the legal route from the get go, unless you live outside of the US.

(I know bc my mom wanted to be a surrogate SO badly and I’ve been looking into it recently) When you go the legal route the baby’s parents are responsible for everything the surrogate needs.

Everyone involved, including yourself, should have signed a contract detailing everything; monthly or weekly payments to the surrogate, bonus payments for reaching certain milestones in the pregnancy, a bonus for birthing the baby, what dr the parents expect you to see.

Also, if the parents expect a certain diet, clauses about if the baby were to be lost, an adoption contract since the baby still has to be legally adopted, clauses about the parents paying for all medications needed during the pregnancy, etc.

The average total payment for surrogacy country wide is around 60,000 US$ but can be as much as 110,000 US$, the lowest state average is 42,417 us $ and that’s in Florida, the lowest payment comes out to a decent income of $20.39 per HOUR, 24/7 for 9-10 months.. all that to say, your wife should be able to pay for her own cravings and to have a variety of extra things she may want for after places close.

A contract could have said that the parents would buy so much food in a period of time, but that’s not always the case, just something some very grateful parents do to show appreciation.

For her being uncomfortable, you have to expect that, but if she’s wanting anything like a pregnancy safe chiropractic visit, that falls on the bio parents, as should a pregnancy pillow, maternity clothing, belly bands, and so on (again would be listed in a contract that they will be providing a $x clothing allowance starting from x week of pregnancy).

If they did not sit down with a lawyer and sign this contract, or even more so if they did it WITHOUT YOU, it is absolutely NOT your responsibility to do anything for the pregnancy. Pregnancy doesn’t just effect the pregnant person (or in this case the parents).

It effects everyone in the household...she cannot expect you to do anything when you disagreed with the decision and to be quite frank, she shouldn’t be surprised when you “snap” at her after not agreeing.

If you told her you didn’t want her to do it and would not support the decision she should have expected you to stay true to your word and if she decided to work around you anyways she should be acting independently with everything involving the pregnancy (with the exception of the parents ofc) and left you as out of it as she could.

Everyone has a boiling point and clearly this is yours, she disregarded your feelings in the very serious matter and you have every right to let your feeling be known and telling her to call the parents. 🤷🏼‍♀️

(Sorry if this is out of line, but I’m also assuming there might be a lack of intimacy playing a part in this too since there’s a constant physical reminder that she did something so huge without your approval). You are definitely NOT wrong, but your wife definitely is and from your last line, so are the parents!! It’s literally THEIR child!!!!!

THEY should be doing EVERYTHING and not expecting even the tiniest damn thing from you, they are already getting the biggest gift at a huge sacrifice to your relationship, they have ZERO right to call you an a hole.

They should be externally grateful for the sacrifices being made to get their baby to them and being 1000000% ready, willing, and happy to do anything and everything the surrogate needs or wants, plus some. 😮‍💨

Five days later, OP shared an update.

Hello everyone, my wife and I had a talk, and agreed on a few things. She says she's sorry for making this decision despite my objections. We had a lengthy heart to heart about this. We agreed that we would go to marriage counseling after the pregnancy is done, and she's had some time to recover.

We also agreed that she should live with her best friend and his husband for the time of the surrogacy. We talked to them and they both agreed to it. Her daughter, (my step daughter) said she wanted to stay in our current home, she doesn't feel comfortable intruding into someone else's home. So she's staying with me at our home.

My wife VERY rarely apologizes.

I don't want to give up on this marriage, so I'm willing to work through this.

The internet kept it super real.

Beneficial_Syrup_869 wrote:

How far along is she? This doesn’t seem healthy for your marriage, especially if she is in the first trimester. Months apart while you’re in charge of your stepdaughter? Why can’t you start marriage counseling now virtually? She apologized but is now running away to be babied by her friends while you’re home alone with her daughter…

OP responded:

"How far along is she?" About 6 months in.

"Months apart while you’re in charge of your stepdaughter?"

We're not gonna not see each other for all those months.

She'll primarily stay at her friends to make sure that her and the baby are comfortable. We also discussed that if her or her friends don't feel comfortable, she will move back in and we'll figure something else out.

Also, my stepdaughter is pretty independent and responsible. She's 16, so it's not like I'm taking care of a baby. And we agreed that my stepdaughter can see her mom at any time if she needs to.

BlazingSunflowerland wrote:

Your wife put her friends ahead of you and ahead of her own daughter. She has a daughter who needs her but is going to go live with her friends. Thanks for providing stability for her daughter. It must suck to realize your mom doesn't value you very highly.

Meatofkings wrote:

My man, while she is there, they will praise her and call her a saint. At the same time they will bash the hell out of you for not supporting her sainthood. She won’t come back missing you or more in love with you, sorry to say. Too bad there aren’t lemon laws for bad marriages.

maggersrose wrote:

So she surrogates without your agreement, gets to be sent to another home to be cared fur and pampered, you and yo having to live without your wife and as a single dad, and she doesn’t even live with her biological child during this time? She’s legit awful. Glad you’re willing to do what’s best for your stepdaughter. good for you? Her mother had forgotten how to put her own family first. Good luck OP.

Hopefully, this ends better than internet commenters are predicting it will.