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'AITA for being angry at my GF for being friendly with my high school bully?' UPDATED

'AITA for being angry at my GF for being friendly with my high school bully?' UPDATED

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"AITA for being upset at my S/O for being friendly with my high school bully?"

Me (26M) and my girlfriend (26F) met in high school. We became really good friends (she was basically my only friend in school) and decided to go to the same university so we wouldn’t drift apart. When we were in university, I finally asked her out. We started dating since.

To sum up my time in highschool: it was an awful time. I was very lonely, introverted and quiet both in high and middle schools, so I was prone to getting bullied. I was mostly heavily bullied by this guy, let’s call him “Luis” and his group of friends.

He would poke fun at my eye condition, intentionally embarrass and make me uncomfortable in front of everyone, call me all kinds of names and just made my life in school hell. This was majorly traumatizing because school was supposed to be a “safe place” for me, cause I was getting emotionally abused by my family at home. He ruined any chances of it being a “safe place” by making my every day horrible.

My girlfriend was aware of the bullying situation at the time and when we became closer friends she always comforted me about it and sympathized with me when I vented about it. She agreed that they were cruel for no reason and I didn’t deserve it at all, told me she hated them for hurting me like that.

Fast forward to now, and what the problem actually is: We were out together walking the dog and I told her I’d jog to a nearby store real quick, pick up some cigarettes and come back while she stayed at the park. When I was walking back, I noticed her talking to someone from a distance, she seemed to be all cheerful and laughing.

They talked for a bit and he walked away in the opposite direction, so I came up to her and asked her what’s up. She nonchalantly smiles and tells me it was “Luis” from high school. My heart sank, not gonna lie.. I awkwardly chuckled said “Woah, you were seriously that happy to talk to that guy?” She says sure.

I told her “You do remember he was the person that basically made my life a living hell in HS, right?” She told me “Yeah I remember, but i’m sure he has changed and he seemed really sweet. come on, don’t be like that."

I got pretty mad at that point and didn’t say anything. She notices the awkward silence and says “Aw dude, come on, do you seriously still have a grudge against him? I thought you would get over it by now.”

Whoa. That felt like a knife through my stomach. It’s not that easy to get over years of trauma that sabotaged my self esteem and confidence. It was so hurtful to hear that coming from her, especially because she was my rock during the times I was getting abused by everyone at school and home.

I don’t still “hate” the guy and his friends after all this time has passed, or want them to suffer or whatever. But it’s not easy at all to forget what they did to me. Sure, maybe they changed for the better, but seeing her talk to him so cheerfully and tell me about it made me die inside. AITA for this?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

NTA. No matter what everyone is saying on the comment section, you are not the @$$hole. It’s normal for you to be taken aback, having to witness your girlfriend being friendly with your abuser. In fact, you weren’t even being rude about it to your girlfriend—you merely asked and then stayed quiet when she responded.

While I understand that it’s not like she could have cussed him out that day—she was just being polite—she literally invalidated your feelings. You don’t tell a victim of abuse to “get over” their abuse, or even presumed that they “should have gotten over” their abuse. You’re not overreacting. She’s the asshole. I’m sorry.

said:

NTA. People can change but that doesn't mean you have to forgive their actions of the past.

said:

NTA, has he ever apologized for his behavior? If not, your gf is definitely the AH.

OP responded:

Nope, he hasn’t.

said:

NTA. People never forget how you make them feel. And people who say things like "bullies can change" while correct, are failing to recognize that the change that these bullies show gets to be experienced by others first hand, not you.

What I mean is, if I meet someone for the first time and they seem wonderful, and I find out they were a bully in their past, I don't have to necessarily reconcile much as I only know who they are now. When someone knows the past, that's all they know. And it's not a VICTIM'S responsibility to learn whether the abuser has changed or give them a chance.

And yes, if I had been relentlessly tormented by someone at some point I would expect my partner to be supportive and not put up with that person, just as I'd do for my partner.

I have a feeling a lot of people who defend bullies here were also shitty in their past and don't like wrestling with the notion that their actions may have had permanent affect on someone. Bullies get to walk away from their behaviour much of the time, victims have to carry it with them.

And said:

NTA , you have no obligation to forgive him and that shit can really hurt when your GF doesn't take your pain serious.

Sources: Reddit
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