'AITA for getting angry with my wife for going to a random guy's house she met at a bar?'
"AITA for getting angry with my wife for going to random guys house she met at a bar?"
Recently my wife (35 F) and 8 of her friends took a trip to Nashville. Last night they did a theme night where they all dress up as their “alter-egos” in revealing clothing, wigs, etc and went out bar hopping all night.
I (40M) spoke to her before I went to bed around 10pm and she sounded perfectly fine, maybe a little drunk but nothing excessive. She said she would text me when they got back to the Airbnb like she always does on these trips so when I wake up in the morning I know she is home safe.
My dogs woke me up at 4am needing to go outside so I grabbed my phone and went downstairs, let the dogs out, check my phone and no text. A little concerned I pulled up the Find My app assuming she just got drunk and fell asleep or simply forgot.
I notice she’s on the other side of town than her Airbnb, bars are closed by then so I looked up the address of this place and it’s an apartment complex. Now I’m a little worried.
I send her a text asking if she made it home ok and she responds almost immediately saying she is with her friend Brittney, who is single, at some random guys house they met at the bar and Brittney wanted to hook up with him.
She tells me she’s sober and she came with her friend because she was worried about her and wanted to make sure she is safe. She also said in that same message that she was just about to text me to tell me what was going on even though she had plenty of time to text me before they went over there or on the uber ride. I learn later her friend Brittney didn’t ask her to come, my wife seemingly invited herself.
I understand the girl code of not wanting your friend to go home with a stranger alone, but in my mind I just see that as one more person unnecessarily putting themselves in a potentially dangerous situation rather than one person.
I talked to her later and asked how she would feel if the situation was reversed and I was in a random woman’s house at 4am and she said “oh it’s different for guys.” Apologies for the sloppy writing and wall of text, it’s been a terrible day.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Holy cow some of you guys need to get your ladies in order. I don’t care if that sounds sexist or patriarchal or whatever, but the nonsense some of you allow is absurd.
NTA. Zero respect for relationship boundaries at all. And yeah, she almost certainly cheated on you.
We all know what probably happened here. If your wife was really just being a safety wingman for her friend why would she not text you the update “hey, friend wants to hook up with some dude, just going along so I know she’s safe” at like 2am when bars close? Wouldn’t she also possibly text something funny to you later about how they’re still going at it??
Also her claiming she’s sober….lots of intoxicated people think they’re sober when they’re actually drunk and making poor choices. What seems possible is either she found someone to have fun with too, or her “alter ego” decided she wanted a drunken fling.
Her one saving grace that might actually make this true is that she texted back immediately. If she had hooked up with some dude is she going to be on her phone immediately? Maybe she was actually just sitting there waiting for her friend to finish up scrolling TikTok’s or something. Or maybe she was texting her friends in post cheating guilt trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces/cover her tracks.
Whatever happened it isn’t cool that she’s just blowing off your feelings. Either she is clueless about how you really feel or doesn’t want to have a deeper conversation because she feels guilty or is worried she’ll get tripped up. Whatever actually happened, NTA.
At this point, the OP decided to return to provide more information.
I want to add some more details here to clarify some things. I don’t really think she cheated. When I first found out where she was and what was going on I thought she might be but I was able to check her text message history on the AT&T app and could see when she messaged uber to leave the bar to go to the Airbnb, and again when they left the Airbnb to go to the guys house.
She would’ve gotten to the guys house around 4:10-4:15am, I messaged here at 4:24, she replied at 4:25 and we were on the phone until the uber came to take her back to the Airbnb.
So I really doubt anything happened over there but obviously I can’t know that for a certainty, it’s just a matter of whether or not I trust her. Up to this point I would’ve said I trusted her 100%.
Edit. I should’ve put that in the main text but I’ve only gotten a few hours of sleep the last couple nights and not thinking clearly because my freaking brain won’t shut up about all of this. I keep going back and forth on whether I’m overthinking/overreacting or if something is actually going on and I’m going to lose my wife.
You check her text messages on AT&T app? I didn’t know that could even be done. I know you were worried but this is a bit over the top. Has she cheated in the past? I would check her location and text her, this feels like some weird 1984 nonsense going through the cell provider.
The story is sketchy for sure but we need more details. How did this Brittney chick tell you about your wife wanting to come? Was anything else said? Without further info this sounds like a worried friend and an even more worried husband. She obviously knew you’d see she wasn’t at the air bnb right?
You are NTA. Unless you have an open relationship she clearly violated. So you have a choice…stay in the relationship and take turns cheating on each other…or find someone who can be faithful.
So her friend cheated on her husband whilst your wife was there and she has no issues with that. Then, she goes to a strangers house for.......bro, really. She's not telling you the truth, if you know the husband of the friend...tell him.