AITA for getting annoyed at my SIL dying of cancer ruining my wedding? UPDATED 3X
"AITA for getting annoyed at my SIL dying of cancer ruining my wedding?"
Snoo_61002
I don't intend for the title to be so harsh sounding, but I don't know how else to put it. I'll also sound blunt, but I'm just posting the facts as presented. I'm marrying my partner (A), who is from another country. Her sister (B) is dying of cancer, it is heart breaking, she is a young mother and wife.
Her diagnosis was about four years ago. When she was first diagnosed she was given 1-2 years. Since we were in a different country, as she (B) remained in her home country with her family after her sister (A) immigrated, we saved up some money and traveled to say goodbye to her.
It was about the 1.5 year mark when we went to say goodbye, and we had gotten engaged soon beforehand. So we also went over to visit some of the family and ask them how long they needed to save to come across for our wedding, as our dollar is much stronger than theirs. They said 2 years, so that was agreed.
We spent a month with her, laughing, lamenting, spending as much quality time as possible with her. By the end of the trip though, and with the chemo, she was exhausted. We said our heart breaking goodbyes assuming to never see her again.
And then she made a miraculous recovery, with a less than 1% chance of happening, which was awesome. We, along with her other family members who had also immigrated (such as her father and brother) decided to put money together and support her to move over here to spend the rest of her life with us. That was about a year ago.
Now my partner and I are getting married in 2 weeks. All of her family are coming to visit, its a big joyous occasion with lots of travel, we've forked out thousands to help her family get here, and they're all staying for a month or so to celebrate our wedding and spend time with us.
Two weeks ago B got a bad diagnosis, they found lumps, and they said she has about a year left to live. She (for obvious reasons) didn't handle this well, and lashed out at us and our wedding telling us not to talk about it around her.
My partner has always kind of lived in her older sisters shadow, so she was really excited to be celebrated and made a fuss of for once. But B has told everyone about her diagnosis, and has started saying "This is the last time I will see most of you". Now the focus is completely off my partner and our wedding, and is absolutely about B.
I feel heartless and heart broken, but I'm frustrated by this. She has been going out of her way to make sure the people who are coming across (who we have paid thousands for flights, not that it matters that much) are spending as much time with her as possible as this is "the last time she will see them".
Now this period of joy and celebration has an undeniable black cloud hung over it, and people very obviously have stopped making my partner feel special. On top of this, B has maintained her stance that we not talk about our wedding around her.
But the big issue is that B got married during COVID, so never got a father/daughter dance. She wants to have one at our wedding, after my partner has a father/daughter dance, with her own song which - to be honest - sad as f**k.
I have said no, because my partner wanted to say no but felt too guilty so I had to be the bad guy. I also told my partner that if we're not to talk about our wedding around her sister, then I don't want her sister talking about her dying around us.
Now I'm being called an AH. I do absolutely feel like one, but I also feel like this is grossly unfair to ask us to brush our wedding under the carpet because of this. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
MizzyvonMuffling
If true and she was given a year to live, she could give her sister that one fucking day and stay quiet. But no, she makes it about herself, her missed dance, her missed whatever and ruins the day for you guys that way assuming she's telling the truth. I get weird vibes. If I were you, I'd go to the courthouse/elope without telling anyone and cancel the celebration and have one way later.
The OP responded here:
Snoo_61002
We considered this, my partner had a breakdown over it and said she wanted to do this. I asked her if she was sure, we had a conversation, and she changed her mind. We've done too much, prepared too much, gotten too excited for the whole time together to just pull the plug.
messy_thoughts47
I recommend assigning a trusted family member or friend to B on your wedding day. Let this person handle B, e.g., do their best to prevent B from making any scene(s), escorting her out of the venue immediately if necessary. Be very solicitous to her to the point of aggravation: you shouldn't mingle, you'll wear yourself out. You shouldn't drink, doctors orders.
Let B have her dance at the end of the event. Let the band/DJ/person in charge of the music know that B's dance is not to happen until x time AND what song should be played. Let them know B is not to be given the mic under any circumstances.
I wouldn't be surprised if she says, "but I'm dying" and your response should be, "but you're not dead yet, and today is about A." And do not allow her to wear white. Do not allow her to dim your joy. Do not allow her to dictate to you or A.
And finally, you may need to issue an ultimatum(s) to B: if she pulls any stunts, misbehaves in any way, tries to steal A's moment, you will have her escorted off the property immediately and barred from reentry. Including if she faints during the ceremony or other important moment.
If she faints, call an ambulance/have her handler take her to the ER and refuse to leave until she's seen a Dr. It's too bad, but you and your family/friends will have to be the "bad" guys. Move quickly if B misbehaves. Redirect conversations:
B: "I have less than a year to live."
You/family /friends: "You must be so thankful to see A get married today, isn't she gorgeous?" You, your family & friends will have to make up to A for her family's disinterest/lack of attention. Good luck, OP. Update us!
Roughly two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
Snoo_61002
People asking for updates about my post. A couple of weeks ago. The lead up to the wedding was a bit nightmarish. SIL tried to tell someone they couldn't come to the wedding because of something they said (they told SIL she could only afford a really nice new car because she and her partner are staying with her dad, and he's paying all her medical bills).
We curbed that by changing our seating plan last minute, asking the person to come, and he still came thankfully. Then, the plan was to go up to the town the wedding was in for a few says for my wife to spend time with her family. We paid for her little brother and little cousins accommodation because they couldn't afford it.
Week of wedding SIL convinces both little brother and cousin to only travel up for only the wedding, not to stay with family. SIL wasn't traveling up because of some vague and changing reason. There was a fight on their family's side, it supposedly got resolved and SIL got given the hard word.
But then little cousin didn't come up with family and stayed home with SIL. So I told my partner to directly pass this on to SIL (i was in different accommodation for the lead up):
If there is a medical event, I'll call and cover cost for an ambulance at the smallest hiccup. If she plays up, her husband will take her home immediately and without argument, or myself and the other two ex bouncer groomsmen will kick them out.
If her family don't want this to happen, then they will get this sorted before I do because they've disappointed me with their soft approach, and now they've all been warned.
(Edit) The dance happened, but on our terms. It was when the dance floor opened to everyone, and was a happy song. And the day went off without a hitch. It was beautiful, perfect, happy, fun, and everything we wanted it to be. No drama, no major issues, and my new wife loved every moment. She was spoiled, and made to feel special.
Thank you for all the suggestions and kind words. We assigned MIL to SIL for the day, there was almost a hiccup when SILs uncle reversed her brand new car in to my ring bearers car and SIL started firing up. But it was curbed. A beautiful day because of your guys support, so truly thank you.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's first update:
Live-Ad4493
I fist pumped the air reading this. That was the PERFECT thing to say to them. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your wife! And congratulations on the beautiful ceremony! I’m so happy for you both.
LauraLand27
I was wondering where my airline ticket was lol. I am so happy for you and your partner that you had your perfect day with no drama. Enjoy your new life together!
waaasupla
So happy to read the positive update. Happy married life!
Five days later, the OP returned with another update.
Snoo_61002
I'm the same person who had the wedding dramas. While the wedding went off without a hitch, we've had a major problem since (feels like season 2 of a frigging soap opera). I'm sorry this is a little long, but there's a lot of context.
While we were visiting family the other day I was relaxing on a couch which sits below a ledge in a lounge, so you couldn't see me from the dining room. I was there with wife, and wife's family, but older SIL didn't realize I had come with.
My partner and her little sister (not the same SIL) came in to the dining area in tears and sat down next to their mum. Before they could say anything older SIL came in and talked to them with a venom I had never seen.
She was shouting at them, and talking to them like they were children telling them to "never dare walk away from her again during an argument". There was a viciousness at a level that I'd *never* tolerate being spoken to like, from anyone.
The argument happened because we had come to pick up the nephew (son of older SIL) from school so that SIL could rest (I'll give more info on this fight in comment). Older SIL told her family its a privilege for them to baby sit her child, and that if they're going to try and help then they need to do it how she asks, when she asks.
She spoke to my wife like she was scum several levels below her. When I stood up, and older SIL saw me, she jumped with shock and then immediately stormed out of the room.
I stood up and said "we're leaving". In the car I said to my wife that if SIL ever spoke to her like that again there would be harsh, firm boundaries put in place. Later we received a message from SIL's husband saying we were being selfish and making the whole family visit about us and our wedding (which was what it was originally about when everyone planned to come. They were visiting for our wedding.)
The problem is that this has been happening for months, and I feel like an idiot because when my wife told me about it she down played it. SIL's family all keep saying "She's dying, its affecting her mind", or "Lets just move past it so we can enjoy the time we have left with her".
And SIL's treatment of my wife has gotten worse, and worse, and worse. SIL keeps trying to convince people not to spend time with us while they're here, she exempts herself from family plans and then makes new plans excluding my wife, and tells people my wife is being greedy with others company.
My wife came home yesterday in tears saying she had considered driving her car off a bridge because of how much SIL has broken her heart. My wife went to say goodbye to one of her uncles who was flying out, and SIL apparently did the same thing as the day before but worse (according to a couple of the witnessing family members).
I had to hold her while she sobbed uncontrollably for fifteen minutes, asking me why her sister was doing this to her when all she had done was try to love her. This is the part that may make me an AH. I put a message in to the group chat I'm in with her immediate family saying, to cut a long story short:
I will not talk to any of you until you start to hold SIL accountable for her actions, any promises of unifying our families was a lie until SIL apologizes and cuts this out, that my wife's unrelenting kindness is being exploited for weakness, that my wife is psychologically unsafe around her own family, that I swore in my vows to protect my wife, and that I have no interest in being a part of a family who treat each other like this.
I said I'd be leaving the conversation, I don't want anyone to contact me unless its to apologize to my partner and explain how things will be different moving forward, and not to add me in to any group conversations. I blocked any form of contact access that SIL had.
My wife didn't want me to send the message because she didn't want to make things worse, I told her things were being made worse by her families unwillingness to call out SIL because she's dying, and my partner told me I can do what I feel I need to do but her family will be upset with me.
Now they've called a family meeting, and I've refused to go until my wife is apologized to, and the family outright promise to hold her sister accountable. Her family are all very upset at me for saying what I said about our two families joining, and that I'm being harsh to SIL who is dying.
My own family think I'm being too harsh, except my dad and older brother who think I'm making the right choice. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update from the OP:
U_Wont_Remember_Me
NTA. I’ll say that again: NT friggin’ A. Your family are a pack of enablers. And I’m betting that if you go through your family tree you’re going to find similar behaviors in other people.
Your wife doesn’t want a confrontation so she submits and submits, hoping that the toxic person will come to their senses cuz essentially all people are good people. Thing is people like your sister prey on this behavior. They get off on behaving like this and treating vulnerable people with psychotic disrespect. It is best that your wife never goes near your sister ever again.
There’s a name for this behavior that I’ve forgotten. They just love to scream and scream and scream about every imagined slight they can think of. They never take responsibility for their actions either. Ever.
Your wife has to understand that confrontation, though preferably avoided, is often necessary. These monsters are taking your power from you like the soul sucking vampires they are. You have to fight to retain your power and defend it. Otherwise you are always at their mercy, which is why you end up feeling suicidal.
Don’t expect your family to back you anytime soon, if at all. They’ve succumbed to the soul sucking vampire and they’ll defend that stance to their last breath, regardless of how illogical and cowardly they sound. Which is why they’ll DARVO both of you.
Put as much psychological and geographical distance between your family and them as you can. Cuz they’ll start showing up to try and force you both to submit. Avoid the repetitive and unrelenting toxic drama: it sucks you in and doesn’t let go.
The OP responded here:
Snoo_61002
This is an excellent comment with excellent insight that I will pass on to my wife. Thank you so much, that's a good point about expecting others to be like us. For the interested, the context for the first fight:
SIL asked us the night before to pick up our nephew from daycare so that she could rest for the day. We told her we couldn't, as we had plans to show family who were visiting some of the sights of our city.
But we were actually done a lot earlier than we thought we would be, so we tried to call SIL or her hubby. Both weren't answering, so we went to SIL's house to check and see if she still wanted us to take him.
She lost her mind saying that if we want to help her its on her terms, that we should consider any time we spend with her son to be a privilege, and that we weren't to disturb her unless we knew she was open to us visiting. This was all said when she didn't realize I was there, and I deeply regret saying nothing at the time. I had hoped the family would put her in her place.
Twelve days later, the OP returned with another update.
Snoo_61002
This also serves as another update. I want to make clear though that I'm not karma farming, I don't expect upvotes, but I genuinely need the sage advice this reddit provides that has helped me navigate this incredibly complex issue. Link to that below.
My SIL is dying of cancer. I still really struggle with this whole situation because its heart breaking for her, her husband, and her son. Recently she and I fell out big time over the treatment of my wife, who I felt the need to protect.
To cut a long story short, there was a family meeting about all the fighting happening. My wife's parents are separated, and she has a half sister on her mum's side (but she doesn't see her like that, she's her sister through n through).
The father's side all had a meeting, and they agreed to end the fighting and not tolerate SIL's behaviour. I was at the house when it happened, but not a part of the meeting. I was there to make sure if I heard screaming and shouting, I would go and get my wife out of the situation.
The SIL came to me and apologized, she sobbed and begged for me to forgive her (I felt uncomfortable for sure, but she seemed genuine). Ever since she has been incredibly kind, careful, and gentle with my wife.
As far as I'm concerned, issue is currently settled. It may flare up again in the future, (edit here, I have since learned she didn't actually apologize to my wife, she just agreed to end hostilities. But she did apologize to me, which is dog sh-t. I wasn't owed an apology, wife was), but it's peace for now at least.
I was reflecting on the situation with her mother and little sister (I'll call her LSIL). When I talked to them about it, they opened up that SIL was treating her mum and LSIL exactly how she had treated my wife, that she had stopped behaving like that to my wife but hasn't stopped the behaviour with LSIL and MIL.
Apparently when I'm not there she still screams at them, gas lights them (she'll say she wasn't screaming at them, or even outright says 'no I didn't say that' about something she said word for word), and uses her sons relationship with them as a means of control.
She also demeans LSIL big time, talking to her like a toddler saying that "LSIL doesn't understand big feelings" to her son (even though LSIL is doing a PhD). LSIL and MIL fly home in a couple of days, and SIL may never see them again.
But it also means SIL has been banking on the fact that they wont be able to confront her permanently because she doesn't have to live with them. LSIL and MIL have tried meetings with SIL but it's not working, because SIL knows they will be leaving soon.
Part of me says that this is no longer my issue. Part of me says that they are also my family and I should protect them. Part of me says I'll make the whole situation worse by getting involved. I also don't want to dis-empower MIL and LSIL, but at the same time I can see the corner they're being put in.
They have tried to stand up to her but she cuts them off. But I also don't want to over step. My wife is as conflicted as I am, and probably more worried about disturbing the fragile peace she finally has. WIBTA if I got involved and told SIL her treatment of LSIL and MIL isn't okay and I won't accept it? Like I say, I would appreciate advice in the comments.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final:
Similar-Shame7517
The fact that the SIL has stage 4 lymphoma and has the energy to go out and have fun and to rage at people is a medical miracle. My mom was at stage 4 lymphoma and she was a shell of herself, unable to get out of the hospital bed. We had to give her sponge baths etc. to make sure she didn't get bedsores. Are they even sure she has cancer?
DMercenary
That question was never answered as far as I can tell.
peter095837
Again, as I said, just because someone has an illness doesn't excuse their bad behavior. SIL is out of her own mind.
LadyK8TheGr8
I’m just shocked that she has the energy to be this mean and hateful.
Gwynasyn
I cannot imagine having a loved one, like a sibling or a child, going through the process of dying and turning into a complete monster towards you. The want to make their last days as comfortable and full of love as you can manage, while they hurl nothing but toxicity and abuse towards you...