'My ex broke off his engagement and his ex-fiancée says it's my fault. AITA?'
"AITA for apparently being the reason my ex's engagement ended?"
I (27f) have a 6 year old child with my ex (29m). We have been broken up since our child was 1. I have primary custody, my ex sees our child two weekends a month. The reason for this is my ex decided he didn't want to give up his whole life to be a parent and he thinks every other weekend is enough. I should also note he doesn't always take his weekends and has let our child down in the past.
Three years ago he started dating someone else and they got engaged in February of this year. Once they were engaged I started getting calls and texts from an unknown number and I found out it was his fiancée. He had told her I would be open to her coming over and taking my child out for the day and he gave her my number so we could plan this.
He never mentioned it to me and it took entirely too long for me to figure out what was going on. Getting a bunch of texts from an unknown number saying answer the damn phone, call me, I'd like to meet up and figure this out is not something I expected.
When I did answer a call from her she was set on taking my child out for the day and she told me my ex said it was okay. I told her it was not okay and I didn't know her and I wasn't going to hand my child over to someone like that. Then I suggested she make the most of the time my ex has.
This was not a popular answer with her and she had my ex using our co-parenting app to send request after request for me to let his fiancée take our child out for the day. My ex told me in July that I was saying no too much and it was ruining his relationship.
Last month his fiancée ended their engagement and broke things off with him. She blamed me via text and said she was not going to stay in a hostile environment where she's treated like stranger danger toward the child she's supposed to be the stepmother of. My ex blamed me for this too.
He accused me of sabotaging his relationship and chasing away potential stepmother's from our child's life. I told him I did not give a damn about his relationships. What I cared about is having someone I don't know feeling entitled to take my child from my home. Then I pointed out he was the reason she believed she could in the first place.
Instead of just moving on and accepting what happened he is telling everyone I broke them up. Some of his buddies are quick to say something when they see me. I think most people see it as BS because he's not a very involved father to begin with.
I did have a mom friend in a mom group I'm a part of tell me I kinda did sabotage his relationship because the woman he was with was trying to know my kid and I didn't let her. She said I had no reason to say no like I did once I knew who was texting and calling and what she wanted.
This turned into a small fight because I asked her if she'd be okay with it and she told me she would. She said most single mom's with primary or full custody would love for their kids to have people who want to take care of them. She said it was my ego that made me break them up because I didn't want my child to have a stepmom.
I still think it's crazy to blame me and I think it's also crazy to say I should have agreed to this. But I'm willing to be big enough to ask if I'm wrong and accept if people think I am wrong. So do you think I broke up his relationship? AITA for saying no to her taking my kid for the day on my parenting time? I am so curious.
This is what people had to say to OP:
redcortana123 said:
She’s basically a stranger and he expects you to just hand over your child to her?
OP responded:
She was a stranger. We had not met once when she started texting and calling. She didn't even ID herself when she was doing it so I'm getting calls and texts from who knows. It could've been a scam for all I knew.
Traditional_Film_636 said:
NTA. You didn’t break them up. His poor relationship skills with you, your child and his (now ex) girlfriend have caused all of this. He is apparently poison in anyone’s life.
Beneficial_Test_5917 said:
NTA, and I imagine most of his friends who bother to learn all the facts about this would agree with you.
OP responded:
I'm not so sure about his friends. I think they'd all side with him regardless but who knows. Maybe if and when they have their own kids their opinions will change.
AdObvious3334 said:
I'm coming from the step-parent side, and think you did absolutely nothing wrong! That's insane to think you'd just 'here you go' with your child without gentle introductions.
She is not considering your child processing the whole thing at all. Reading about your ex and his ex fiancé infuriated me and I'm not even involved. Don't take on board any of that ridiculous blaming, I'm sorry that's happened it's not fair. 100% NTA
OP responded:
Thank you. I thought the whole thing was insane too. There's so much wrong with it but I was apparently the bad guy in all of this, because I didn't want to hand my child over to a stranger for a day. This woman didn't even tell me who she was when texting. But of course I'm the evil ex.
cassowary32 said:
NTA. That’s wild that they thought they could interfere with your custodial time like your kid was a book to check out at the library. The custody schedule exists for a reason. Why couldn’t she get to know the kid while your ex had him?? Or go to court to get more time?
OP responded:
Simply put he doesn't want more time with our child. And instead of accepting that and leaving him at that point she decided to harass me for months and then leave but blame me instead. I didn't decide the custody arrangement. That was his request and the courts.
Acrobatic_Today_5680 said:
But you obviously knew her. She’s not the stranger you allege in the story.
OP responded:
She was a stranger to me. When I started getting those calls and texts I had no idea who was calling and texting. I found out after it had been going on for a while. At that point I still had never met or spoken to her. I spoke to her one time and told her I was not okay with her taking my child for the day on my parenting time and I suggested she use the time my ex had with our child. But she was a stranger.