'Is this appropriate workplace behaviour from a married coworker, or is she crossing boundaries?'

"Is this appropriate workplace behaviour from a married coworker (39F) toward me (22M), or is she crossing professional boundaries?"

So this all started when I joined a law firm. I’m 22M and she's 39F and there are only a couple of people around my age here, most people are in their 30s, 40s and older. When I first joined, my manager told me that if I ever got stuck with work, I could ask this woman who was basically acting as my mentor.

At the start everything was normal. I was asking work-related questions and she was helping me because I was new. Over time though, she started asking more personal questions. I didn’t think much of it at first and assumed she was just being friendly.

Then when I went for lunch, she started sitting next to me and talking to me, and she made comments like she doesn’t like men her own age, that I look attractive and cute, and that if she was around my age she would date me.

She said it jokingly but it made me uncomfortable and I didn’t really know how to respond, so I just laughed it off. After that it started to feel more strange. Every time I come into the office she says hi, good morning, how are you, and one time she randomly hugged me which really caught me off guard. I felt awkward but I froze in the moment and didn’t know how to react.

Later she asked for my number and I said no. Then she asked for my socials and I said no again. After that she started messaging me on Teams since we use that at work, and she chats to me saying she’s bored.

She also has a husband and three kids, which makes this even more uncomfortable for me. I told her that and she said she just wants to be friends, but I honestly don’t really believe that. One of the weirdest things she messaged me was that she finds me attractive and wants to get to know me more.

I didn’t reply and I started ignoring her messages because I genuinely didn’t know what to do. She also keeps saying I’m fit and young and that she wishes she married someone like me. It honestly makes me feel bad for her husband and kids and also puts me in a really uncomfortable position at work.

She’s also shared food and snacks with me, patted my hair once, and keeps complimenting me. I don’t want any drama at work, especially since I’m new, but I also don’t like this attention and it doesn’t feel professional at all.

I haven’t told HR or anyone yet because I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is actually something serious. From your point of view, does this sound like she’s crossing professional boundaries and hitting on me, or could this just be her being overly friendly? And what would you honestly do if you were in my position?

TL;DR: Older married coworker who’s meant to be my mentor keeps complimenting me, hugging me, messaging me on Teams, and saying she finds me attractive. I’ve rejected giving her my number and socials but she keeps pushing. I feel uncomfortable but don’t know if I’m overreacting or if I should report this to HR.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Competitive_Ninja668 wrote:

I work at a law firm. This is not normal behavior. I would reply less and less and less. The only thing you need to say to her is Good Morning. Or goodbye. That’s it. (Apart from work related things) if she says anything else, I would reply with yes, no or one word responses.

I would go somewhere for lunch where you will be alone. Obviously if this continues make sure you have evidence for HR so that it’s not your word against hers. Good luck.

OP responded:

She seemed professional at the start but then it got worse afterwards. She is a solicitor as well and I want to understand her intentions on why she is doing this to me. It would be bad if she loses her job as well as her husband and kids which can give her a bad reputation.

I will inform her and then tell her that I would report her to HR so she understands because I just let her be for now eventhough I should've reported her straight away.

SherrKhan32 wrote:

You should go to HR and let them know that this coworker is beginning to cross personal boundaries and repeatedly tries to engage you in conversations you're not comfortable with. Decline all snacks, check all physical contact with, "Please don't touch me." and tell her to stop commenting on your physical appearance any time she does.

If she messages you even one more time on social media, ask her, "How would your husband react to finding out you're making these kinds of comments to me? You need to stop or I will reach out to him and let him know." That oughta set her straight and keep her away from you.

OP responded:

I mean I did accept her snacks and food even though I should've not. In terms of patting my head, I found that kind of weird and I shook my head so her hand goes off it. She just walked to her desk after I did that and was silent, think she got intimidated. Yeah I will try to tell her husband or a higher authority if I see her again.

Boomer050882 wrote:

She is definitely crossing the line. Talk to HR and make sure you have as much proof as possible so she doesn’t turn it around on you. Good luck. You shouldn’t have to deal with that BS at work!! Normally, I would suggest telling her firmly to stop but it seems to have already escalated past that point.

OP responded:

Yeah I already have proof of her messages she said on teams but I just haven't reported her yet. I want to tell her one more time to stop before I escalate things. She is a solicitor so she has been working in that law firm for some time and I know it would be the right thing to report her however I want to ask her why she is doing this.

If she carries this again then I will report her. She seems too attached to me which I don't know why. Maybe her husband doesn't treat her properly. I'm not entirely sure but I do have strict boundaries and I will be warning her.

darklingdawns wrote:

She's absolutely crossing boundaries. Anytime someone's behavior is making you uncomfortable, you have a right to ask for that behavior to stop. It sounds like you've tried to communicate that to her, but perhaps not forcefully enough. When she goes to touch you, take a step back and say 'Please don't.'

Talk to your manager to let them know about this, both what's been said and done, and how uncomfortable it's been making you feel.

Start documenting everything - write down dates, what was said and/or done, any responses that you got from your manager, and if she puts anything in writing like on Teams, take a picture or printout of it. You want to make sure that you have as much of a record as possible so that you're covered should you need to go to HR.

OP responded:

Yeah I wasn't forcefully saying it to her but this time I will make sure I make it clear to her. I shouldn't give her any chances. I have already screenshotted the messages on teams but I still remember what she said to me in person.

Thank you for telling me, I just wrote it down now and wrote the dates just to keep it safe. Yeah I would say I got good amount of proof. There is also cameras around the building so I can easily get proof from that too.

RayLydell wrote:

Be an adult and address the situation with the other adult involved. Let her know you are not comfortable with her comments/actions and if she continues you will have to reach out to HR. Your first instinct should be to tell and mess with someone’s job. Communication can solve a lot of problems. Idk why it’s so hard to just speak to someone now a days and express your self.

OP responded:

I can but I'm new to this place and no one really knows me that well. I can just tell an adult but I don't know if they would believe me that's why. Eventhough I got proof and everything, I'm just going to speak to her more clearly and demand her to stop. Then if she doesn't I will raise it up.