'AITA for arguing with my husband about my skincare routine?' 'Sometimes I feel sorry for you.' UPDATED

"AITA for arguing with my husband about my skincare routine?"

I (29F) have been taking better care of my skin for the last 5 years. I have been using retinol, moisturizer and sunscreen for my face all year round and have been cleansing my face when I shower.

The only person I have taken seriously online about skincare is a licensed dermatologist based in the US, I have been watching her youtube content here and there.

I also visited an actual dermatologist 4 years ago and she confirmed I should use the exact same routine I am using already for my age at the time, so that is an extra confirmation the YT dermatologist probably knows what she's talking about.

These past few months I have been a little worried about aging more than usual since I am turning 30 in a few months, so I ended up buying a face roller/massager, and a couple of days ago I also bought a red light device for my face.

That and the roller are probably the only things I have not heard that a dermatologist recommends them, but I haven't looked that into it. I just know people that have used it and have seen actual results from it.

When I opened the red light device package, my husband (33M) was near me and asked me what it is, so I explained to him, then he asked me how much it cost and I said 50 bucks.

He then said, word for word, "sometimes I feel sorry for you." I got very hurt by that statement but it was pretty late and he was working remotely and was very overwhelmed with work, so I thought I would bring it up another time.

Fast forward to today, we had an argument about it. I basically told him what he said really hurt my feelings and I thought it was a very mean thing to say to someone and he apologized but said he was sad for a while after he saw that I bought the red light device.

He said he thinks I'm gorgeous and I don't need that stuff, that the marketing of beauty products has worked well on me and that he doesn't like to see me be a victim. He also added that he is worried about the fact that if I am spending that much money on beauty products now, what am I gonna do when I am 40?

I replied when we get there and even if that ever happens we can talk about it - he said it's already happening. I was honestly getting pretty worked up at that point, even if some of his points were valid, the way he was going at it and the words he was using felt like an attack to me and like he had zero understanding about it.

I was trying to explain to me him that yes it is true I am feeling insecure about aging but I am working on it already in therapy, there is not more I can say about it right now really, because it genuinely is something that's in progress. Also I was trying to explain to him that skincare is making me feel good about myself.

He said that he does understand and if he didn't he would have said something all these years, I said that to me it sounds like he was just judging me in his head and kept it quiet all this time. He stormed out. He also mentioned he thinks I am obsessed with skincare, which I disagree. So, AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

FluffyBudgie5 said:

I totally agree, and I'm glad to see a lot of comments passing the vibe check. YTA because OP's husband is right, and he expressed his worries in a kind and mature way. OP should feel lucky to be with someone who wants to make sure she is doing what is best for her mental and emotional health, and wants her to feel beautiful on the inside.

usernameiswhocares said:

There is nothing wrong with wanting to try to prevent wrinkles. You want to start before the wrinkles even happen. Your argument sounds like working out to change your body or cutting your hair to look better or wearing clothes that you feel good in are bad things. If something makes you feel better and it’s not an unhealthy obsession, why not? It’s her skin.

Kai-ni said:

I would work on it more in therapy. Some of what you're saying sounds unhealthy. Like what do you mean aging more than usual? We all age at the same rate, my friend. I think your husband is right and you're being obsessive in an unhealthy fashion.

CaramelChemical694 said:

Idk you're acting like 30 is ancient. I think you have an obsession with anti aging it sounds like and his comment is valid. He feels sorry for you because you can't see yourself the way he sees you.

mae_mae4life said:

PRETTY COMMON WORRY...I mean for me (40F) anyways. I once saw something that said we tie our value to our physical beauty and worry that we are "worthless" when we are no longer in our physical prime. I personally don't think I totally buy that, but I can see how some people do and how it impacts my thoughts.

I know the lines on my face actually hurt my feelings sometimes lol. But I am with the idea that we are SO BLESSED to get the chance to get old and wrinkly - it would be so sad to never get the chance!

EffectNo4122 said:

I’m gonna address this from a different angle. A 30 years old, your face is not ageing at all. We’ve gone into the society where every little thing that happens to a woman’s face is apparently bad but you know what I am way older than you in fact I’m the same age as Madonna she looks hideous I do not.

There is nothing wrong with growing old gracefully. I earned some of these lines I have on my face, but I still look good for my age because I just took care of it with the basics retinol moisturizer a few other things and that is it. All those other things are marketing gimmicks.

And you should check out just ask men when they talk about women who get a lot of face stuff done Botox when they change their whole looks fake boobs. They don’t like it because it doesn’t look natural and it doesn’t feel natural.

I’d love to see the day when women own who they are instead of criticizing themselves so much. When I look at a picture of me when I was 35 I remember thinking that I wasn’t very attractive, holy crap now I see I looked good and that’s what will happen to you, but don’t change your face because then you’re not you.

Pladohs_Ghost said:

YTA. Your paranoia over aging when you've only just reached maturity and haven't even peaked yet speaks to raging insecurity. As it's driving you to dysfunctional arguments when your bf expresses some concern is an issue. Your basic skin care routine is fine. Moving beyond that because you fear aging is a problem. Please get therapy.

luckypoppolkadot said:

NTA. His comment was uncalled for. My husband loves all sorts of electronic gadgets that he learns about from YouTube. He gets a lot of joy out of them and our financial situation is good so why would I ever yuck his yum? I try to mirror his enthusiasm when he shares what they do with me.

Skin care isn’t my hobby but I do a lot of shit to upkeep my skin. I have gotten Botox, I use a dermatologist, I tape my face and put a silicon patch on my chest at night to prevent side sleeper wrinkles.

My husband and I giggle together about how silly I look but he kisses and holds me all the same and appreciates that I take such good care of myself. If it’s not hurting your finances your husband needs to realize there is a lot more shit you could be getting into. His comment was so demeaning. Hope y’all can work it out!

UPDATE:

So, I talked with my husband yesterday. The issue got resolved pretty quickly, we both apologized and shared our feelings and that was it. I admitted the last two purchases I did were impulsive and I definitely don’t need them (not that I need the other creams I use besides SPF but that’s another conversation)...

And he admitted he could have phrased his concerns in a kinder manner and he sees how they can come off condescending even if that wasn’t his intention. I also mentioned I did a Reddit post about this and we were able to laugh about it!

Some comments got me thinking though. A few women said I am perpetuating misogynistic beliefs and it can affect negatively other women, and the fact that I am using creams proves it, I am still on the fence about this because 4/6 of the things I use are dermatologist recommendations for my age group...

But I do admit there is some residual trauma there from growing up in a misogynistic environment which I am working hard to get rid of 100%. To those of you who were kind and still expressed your honest opinion, thank you! Appreciate y’all. Off to use my new red light device. Cheers!

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

Wandering-me-123 said:

I think it’s fine to want to look a certain way, as long as it’s for you, you don’t expect others to do it, and your nice to yourself as you age or your skin changes. In my 30s, I’ve developed a manageable skin care routine, but I find it fun to try new products.

I have a budget that applies to this spending (and other personal spending), and it makes me happy! I share tips with friends. I follow and watch dermatologist on IG. I don’t impose this on others or expect myself or ppl around me to never age or change. All to say, I think there’s a difference between perpetuating misogynistic beliefs, and wanting to feel good.

febrezebaby said:

LMFAO using skincare isn’t misogynistic. Is it “inherently feminist,” probably not, but this is reality we’re living in. Women are subjected to more serious expectations about their looks, and not aging is important, even if you’re just trying to keep a job.

Also, can we get men regularly using skincare before we start demonizing it for women, or is this just another women-can’t-do-anything-right scenarios? (It’s that one.) Even my dad started dying his hair when he went gray because he didn’t want people to associate him with “old.” It was bad for his career.

Capable_Ad_976 said:

When I was in my 20s, I met a patient in her 70s who looked like she was in her 40s and I asked her what was her secret. She said she started and consistently moisturize with Nivea in her early 20s. Keep doing what you are doing. Avoiding the sun is better than SPF, a drug store product works just as well as an expensive brand. The habit is the most important thing.

Aldilae said:

I had no idea using skincare is seen as misogynistic. That's so weird to me. I use skincare to take care of my acne, not for other people. I'm glad the initial issue was resolved, but please don't feel bad for using skincare OP. There's nothing wrong with wanting to take care of you.

TopShoulder7 said:

You’ll spend your entire life unlearning the misogyny of the dominant culture. We all do. Don’t expect 100% from yourself or others, everyone says or does something problematic on occasion.

Creative-Salary5969 said:

Honestly, skincare is a long term investment. The sane way you have buy eat right and exercise is the same way you have to take care of your skin. People assume when you care about beauty in that sense it means you’re insecure, and yet it simply means you care. This partner seems to think that and doesn’t understand that “you don’t need it” and yet the way you look is a product of the routine you have.