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'AITA for arranging another play date with a mom my MIL thinks 'pays too much attention' to my son?' UPDATED

'AITA for arranging another play date with a mom my MIL thinks 'pays too much attention' to my son?' UPDATED

"AITA for arranging another play date with a mom my MIL thinks 'pays too much attention' to my son?"

My daughter (6) has a sweet friend, a boy we will call Luke. Luke has two older siblings, but they're not relevant to the story really. I also have two more kids. An 11 year old son and a 2-year-old son with Downs Syndrome, "JP."

We had a play date a few weeks ago at our home with just Luke and his mom, "Katie" (unsure exactly how old she is, but I know she's in her 20s). Well, obviously JP couldn't just go play with the other kids. He cannot walk, he cannot talk. So he was with me and Katie in the living room. While my two older kids and Luke were playing, Katie and I were talking.

And while JP can't talk, he makes noises, grunts, etc. Whenever he would do this Katie would sort of make up something he said and say it for him. Like for an example, I was talking about JP and said he gets "chatty" in the middle of the night and JP started grunting and Katie looked at him and said "no, don't worry. I don't believe her anyway." Which I laughed about. It was funny.

My MIL stopped by to grab something and stayed to chat for a bit. She noticed that Katie interacted a lot with JP. She asked Katie who she knew that had Downs Syndrome (I guess assuming that she knew someone?) and Katie told her that she actually didn’t know anyone aside from a little boy she went to church with as a child.

My MIL seemed put off by this and leaves eventually. The next day she came back over and asked my daughter if she had fun playing with her friend. My daughter says yes, she loves playing with Luke. My daughter runs off to play and my MIL looks at me and says "well at least she got to do it once and you know not to have them over again."

I stared at her wondering why, so I asked her what she meant. She said Katie was "too obsessed" with talking to JP for someone who has no experience with Downs Syndrome children. I was thrown by this because to me it was refreshing. Most people forget JP is there, pretend he isn't, or focus on "what's wrong with him."

Katie treated him like he was any other two year old. And so did her son (although he was a bit more confused as to why JP wasn’t speaking, but he never said anything about it which leads me to believe Katie has made sure to teach her kids not to point out other kids' differences).

My husband is away for work for a while and my MIL has been my support while he's been gone. And she essentially told me she's not willing to keep helping if I have another play date with Katie and her kids.

Which is a problem because they are supposed to come over again in a few days (they've come here both times because it's easier for me and JP). My MIL thinks I'm exploiting my son to make a friend. I don't think so but I do want to become friends with Katie, but I don't think she was "too interested" in JP?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Seltzer-Slut wrote:

NTA. It sure sounds like your MIL resents the baby for his condition. Clearly, seeing him being treated as “normal” stirred up some uncomfortable feelings for her, maybe because she wishes he were “normal,” and/or because your friend is so much better at interacting with the baby than she is (I assume) that it highlights her own failures.

Two points of concern here. First, she’s abusing her status as caregiver to exert control over you and your parenting choices and social choices. You are the parent, not her. You make the decisions about who your kids have play dates with.

Second, it’s a little worrisome that she might be feeling this resentment towards your baby. How does the baby act around her? If he seems fearful of her, I would definitely stop letting her watch over him.

OP responded:

JP doesn’t act fearful of her, and she’s never said anything to suggest to me that she resents him.. but I think I will ask my oldest son tomorrow if he’s heard her say anything or interact differently with JP when she’s babysitting.

She also thinks it’s weird for me to want to be friends with a mom so much younger than me even though Katie’s oldest is the same age as mine, and her youngest is the same age as my daughter. The only kids without a common age are JP and Katie’s middle child.

Life_Less_Ordinary wrote:

NTA. Your mother in law is a massive AH. I talk to babies all the time, I will talk to them like they said something when they didn't. for example my coworker brought her 10 month old son in for a visit and he was smiling and looking around while I was holding him and he was staring at the ceiling, so I said "I know that's so fascinating, is it?" And then he looked at something else and I said something else.

To me that's totally normal. That's how kids learn to speak and communicate, through others talking around them and to them. Why does it matter that Katie doesn't have experience with other children who have Down Syndrome? It doesn't mean she can't interact with JP, it's part of who he is not what he is.

Does that mean if you've never met someone who's for example Catholic that you're not allowed to interact with a Catholic person? your MIL doesn't get to decide who you have over for playdates with your kids. I would tell your husband whats going on and see what he says about this.

I would also ask your MIL what her issue is with Katie because this isn't just about her talking with him. I am obsessed with babies and will say "hi" to anyone I see with one or when they are toddling along on a walk and smile and wave and say hello to the parents.

jack238514 wrote:

NTA. Your MIL seems way too sensitive. I think Katie is trying to connect to your son and show him attention. I think it’s actually very kind of her. Maybe you can go to her house next time or meet her at a park with a playground. Also your husband needs to tell his mom that it’s not her place at all to decide who you and your children make as friends.

Sophiesimmons31 wrote:

NTA. It seems like your MIL is stuck on some old-fashioned ideas about social interactions and friendship dynamics. Katie's interaction with JP is humanity at its best—unconditional and accepting.

As a parent, fostering a diverse support system around JP and your other children is beneficial on so many levels. Your MIL's insistence on stepping in where she isn't needed reflects her own insecurities more than any issue with Katie. Trust your instincts, they're aligned with your child's needs and happiness.

Open communication with your husband about this will help ensure that familial boundaries are respected and that MIL understands her concerns, while noted, won't dictate the nurturing environment you're building for your family. Keep the playdates and the positivity flowing. Keep Katie around; she's a keeper.

Over a year later, OP shared an update.

So it’s been a year, Luke and my daughter are in the same class again this year and are thrilled. We did have the second (and MANY OTHER) play dates with Katie and Luke and also Katie’s other two kiddos. All three of Katie’s kids are nothing but kind to JP and every one of them takes time out of whatever they’re doing to come hang out with JP every time. Her oldest son specifically can get JP going really good.

He also (he’s 13) will carry JP around and push him on the swings (with my permission… ETA: it was with my permission at first. Now he just takes his little buddy JP and heads right on out). JP and Katie’s oldest have this bond that I can’t describe. JP lights up when he sees his big buddy.

When my MIL found out I was having the second play date she was really mad. And she did in fact stop helping me out with the kids while my husband was gone. My husband was mad about this (her actions, not mine) and hasn’t spoken to her since. She consistently has reached out to see if we need help with the kids in any way.

It brings me great satisfaction to say that both mine and my husband’s response has been “No, you don’t need to help us. Katie is helping us.”

Because while I was so over worried about if I was exploiting JP to make a friend, I felt like I needed to tell Katie I didn’t need her help. Until I really did.

And when I did…she showed up, and she showed out. And there hasn’t been a day since that Katie and I don’t talk on the phone or text more than just “oh let’s hang out here and there at this time for the kids." Katie is my friend. And not only is she my friend, she loves my kiddos with her whole heart. And I love hers.

And before anyone asks, yes, I have kept Katie’s kids for her also. They are so well behaved and respectful it’s such an easy yes. Thank you to everyone for your advice and kind words on the original post. My family might’ve lost my MIL, but we got a Katie. And that’s worth a whole lot.

The internet kept the comments coming.

justhereforaith wrote:

Shut up. 🥹

Her 13 year old grabs your son and basically says “I’m the captain now” and your little man loves it. Fine. I’ll cry over a Reddit update today.

OP responded:

I’m sorry!! And haha, he really does. He shows up and JP gets so excited and then my child just gets carted around wherever we are for hours sometimes lol. Her son carried JP around the zoo for 4 hours one day and refused to put him back in the stroller (or let one of us hold him instead) because “the stroller can’t get close enough like we can and he can see better if I hold him”.

He’s definitely the sweetest and most empathetic 13-year-old I’ve ever met in my life. And you can tell it’s not forced either. Her son gets excited to see JP, too. It’s so sweet. And I’m so glad that we get that. It makes me cry too if I think about it too hard because I can’t believe it just fell into our laps because my daughter made a friend at school.

tiki_effect wrote:

This is a great update. I’m sorry your MIL wasn’t able to see past her own issues. But so happy your family has new friends. That is just amazing.

LittleHouse82 wrote:

Oh. I’m sorry that MIL is such a thrumph (that’s me blowing a raspberry btw). But I’m so pleased that you guys now have a Katie - and a Katie’s family. I would place a large bet that she is also happy that she has a EducationalReveal847 and family in her life too.

They’re your found family. And a found family can be worth so much more than blood family sometimes. Sending love and lots of good times to you all. Thank you for updating us.

Cursd818 wrote:

This is wonderful. Ironically, MIL exposed herself as being the ableist she was accusing Katie of being. It's safer for all of your kids to keep her at a firm distance.

LolthienToo wrote:

I saw your original post, and...waitaminit...

Your MIL said, "She acts too familiar with a DS child for someone who doesn't have experience with DS Children..."

How the hell do people EVER get experience with Down Syndrome children in her mind??? How do you get experience with something without starting off having no experience with something to begin with? You are just BORN with this knowledge somehow? What a wackadoodle!

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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