'AITA for arranging a potluck for my sister's Apology Dinner? My sister was very unhappy.' UPDATED

"AITA for arranging potluck for my sister's Apology Dinner?"

So my mom decided to host an Apology Dinner for my older sister.

As my mom was busy writing her apology and whatnot, she asked if I would take care of the food and beverages.

I said sure, thinking it was just for my family of 4...but when my Aunt and Cousins heard, they also wanted to attend, so I decided to make it a pot luck. (Pot luck is where all the adult guests bring a dish, and all the dishes are shared.) Of course, I never asked my sister to bring any food because she was the guest of honor. Well, everyone came over and we are all excited to listen to the apology and eat.

My sister was among the last to arrive, and she was offended that we were serving pot luck for her special dinner.

I explained that I had carefully planned what would be served (sister's boyfriend is a vegetarian, so we had two meatless options).

But my sister yelled at me that the Apology Meal should be prepared (or at least paid for) by the apologizer (my mom) in order to show proper atonement.

We went forward with the Apology Dinner, but my sister call me TA for undermining the apology. AITA for arranging potluck for my sister's Apology Dinner?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

[deleted] wrote:

INFO: what the actual f#$k is an Apology Dinner?

OP responded:

It where someone apologizes to another person in front of the whole family.

Funky-Spunkmeyer wrote:

You took the time to explain a potluck (something I’ve known about since before I can remember) but just assumed everyone would know what an “apology dinner” is - despite most of us only hearing of it right here, right now. YTA for that, I don’t care about anything else. INFO- where on earth do you live?

OP responded:

From Northern Dobruja, but we live in the States.

TheMaskedHamster wrote:

I am really eager to know the answer to the question you posed, but I'm afraid none other than others from the same region who share the tradition could provide a proper answer.

But based on what you've said, it's not you who would be at fault, but your mother for asking you in the first place. She might be upset that you went along with your mother's request, but that you made it a potluck seems irrelevant except perhaps that you involved other people in helping your mother avoid a responsibility.

I am curious as to whether you are familiar with this tradition being practiced outside of northern Dobruja. This has gained a lot of internet awareness, and knowing could be helpful for intercultural communication.

OP responded:

I think it would be practiced, but not so formally. Like if you had 2 good friends who were in an argument. One of them might invite the other one to coffee to apologize (or "hash things out"). The initiator should pay.

Maybe you would go to help mediate. Because the thing is that when most people apologize, they don't really mean it that much. So it's a good to have a friend or family member there to make sure the apology is sincere, and the apologizer "gets it." Otherwise, they would say something like, "Sorry you took it the wrong way."

cinderparty wrote:

But why would you do that in front of other people?!? I could not fathom this, I don’t even like getting gifts because it makes me too much the center of attention. I would hate this if I was the one apologizing or the one being apologized too.

OP responded:

To help mediate as needed. Celebrate the closure. And such.

7thatsanope wrote:

An apology dinner just sounds absurd. But, aside from that. If the person apologizing is supposed to be responsible for the food (which if you’re going to make a whole meal ordeal out of an apology only makes sense), then why TF is your sister mad at you?

It’s your mother’s apology so it’s her responsibility, not yours. You’re just an innocent bystander whose mom pawned off the responsibility to. It sounds like both your mom and your sister owe you an apology dinner for this nonsense. NTA.

OP responded:

I think it's like in American culture. Let's say a husband wants to apologize to his wife. So he gives her flowers. But then she finds out that his brother went to the the florist. So she's mad that he didn't pick out the flowers himself. I also think there's something in American culture where you are not supposed to arrange your own birthday party???

7thatsanope wrote:

That makes sense and is along the lines of what I was thinking and why it’s your mom your sister should be mad at about the food, not you.

OP responded:

It's mainly because there's one particular restaurant that we order from. If I had ordered from there, I would have used my mom's credit card to pay. But since I made it a potluck, then there wasn't any monetary cost.

diagnosedwolf wrote:

But that still doesn’t explain why she’s mad at you and not your mother. In your flower example, you get mad at the husband, not the brother. In your apology dinner, your mother should have made the effort and didn’t. So why isn’t your sister angry at her? Why is she angry at you instead?

AnnaLirra wrote:

I’m guessing here...sister maybe thinks OP shouldn’t have gotten involved. By doing so, and making it potluck instead of how it should have been with more effort or cost to mom, OP is taking moms side. I don’t agree, but I can see how one might view OP making it a potluck as “undermining” the event.

Ote77 wrote:

NTA. But I am curious on what your mum did that ended in an apology dinner.

OP responded:

Tried to breakup sister and her boyfriend for no good reason (his ethnicity).

Tough-Refridgerator95 wrote:

Amazing. Imagine thinking a potluck dinner will fix being a bigot.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Yesterday in the wee hours, I posted about my family's Apology Dinner. When I woke up, I got only like ten replies, but it was reposted on an independent twitter account dedicated to the sub.

A couple media outlets started reaching out to me, so I posted an update noting that I was being interviewed, but the mods didn't believe that a post with only 150ish upvotes was getting media attention, so they deleted the whole thing.

But meanwhile, it trended all the way to #1 on Twitter. I started getting calls from some friends and relatives, because they recognized the region that my family is originally from (N Dobruja) in the comments. Now all the adult family members are taking credit for the Apology Dinner TM concept. (I thought it was a regional thing, and that the term "Apology Dinner" was self-explanatory, but whatever.)

Anyway, my uncle says he was the first one to hold an Apology Meal. My mom says that it was more of a snack (tea & crackers) and she refined the concept of the Dinner version and that I introduced Apology Dinner TM to the US (and UK).

My sister is taking all the credit because she says that her getting mad about the potluck aspect is what triggered my post in the first place. So yeah, TIFU (well yesterday) because I was trying to bring everyone together, but I didn't realize that a little post could go viral and create more drama. People are mad again, but I don't care anymore.

The internet kept sharing their thoughts.

Lemmy-Historian wrote:

Since it’s buried deep in there and we all were asking ourselves: mom tried to break sister and her boyfriend cause she didn’t like his ethnicity.

Lissica wrote:

I have to admit, if I was the sister I'd be pissed at OP for interfering in the dinner structure as well.

Her mother was meant to do it as part of her apology.. and ended up doing almost nothing.

drewbge1847 wrote:

I would rather eat hot slivered glass than have an apology dinner. If I was the apologizer, I'd be dying of shame. If instead I was the apologee, I'd by trying to disappear into a blackhole powered by sympathetic embarrassment.

Acrobatic-Kiwi-1208 wrote:

Imagine being in a family that not only hosts enough apology dinners that the potluck aspect is the part you feel needs an explanation, but also everyone is clamoring for an invitation and is "excited to listen to the apology."