'AITA for wanting my ashes mixed with my wife?'
"AITA for wanting my ashes mixed with my wife?"
I (M44) lost my wife about five years ago at the age of 34 due to cancer, we had been married for almost ten before that and I had known and been friends with her another ten before that.
After her death I chose to have her cremated and I put the urn in a little shrine with some of my favorite pictures of her and her wedding ring.
It’s been up in my house ever since and every year on her birthday and on the anniversary of her death her family (Father Mother and sister) come over and we have dinner and discuss our favorite memories.
Well her father and mother do her sister had always been quiet during these moments and would rarely offer much of a response but I figured it was her way of grieving and never bothered her about it.
A few months ago I had an issue with some heart problems (I’m not the healthiest person) and it made me realize that it wouldn’t hurt to have a will and figure out what I want to happen to me after I go.
I basically decided to give everything of mine to my nieces and nephews (we never had kids nor wanted any) and all my wife’s stuff to her family. I also decided I wanted to have my ashes mixed with hers and have them spread at the nearby beach we used to frequent (it’s never busy and usually too cold to swim in).
I didn’t think anything of it until I mentioned parts of my will to her parents and sister at her birthday dinner last week (they asked more questions and the idea for our ashes came out). Her parents though it was a lovely idea but her sister immediately got angry.
She blew up and yelled at me about how every since her death I’ve gone out of my way to objectify my wife with my shrine, how I was being selfish for keeping her ashes to myself and now I was depriving everyone of having a place to grieve.
How I was scum for lusting after her for all these years and never moving on.
(I have mentioned before that I genuinely don’t think it’s possible for me to ever find love again, I attempted a few dates with women who were objectively my type but I could never feel anything other than friendly with them.
(And I never told anyone this but before my heart issues I even tried highering an escort but after the first kiss we ended up spending the rest of the time just talking)). After her rant I asked her to leave while holding back tears and her parents followed her after apologizing profusely but I can’t stop thinking about it. So AITA?
Let's find out.
vrindumb writes:
NTA I don't see anything wrong with your behavior whatsoever. You grieve your wife, and you miss her, and you want to be together with her in death.
The sister has some absurd opinions about how you grieve. Which is fine, people grieve differently, but she had no right to say those things to you, especially after keeping quiet about it for years.
catanddogtor writes:
Having a shrine for your late wife is normal. You want to think about her and remember her. Not moving on is normal too.
The sister is the one with a problem, not you. NTA.
OP added this edit after reading the comments:
Edit: since a lot of people have been bringing this up: I offered a portion of my wife’s ashes to her family, her father took some and has a small via he keeps with him and her mother made a diamond she. Her sister declined and asked for a few extra pictures of my wife which I obliged