"AITA if I ask my husband to stop cooking breakfast?"
My (31F) Husband (34M) is a creature of habit and has made himself the same breakfast every single morning for the 10 years that we have been together: a tofu scramble with various veggies made on the cast iron skillet.
For years I would barely notice his cooking in the morning, however a couple years ago he started getting distracted while cooking and would walk out of the room to sit down at his computer and start thinking about work for the day.
He will claim that the stove is off or on super low, but the result is that almost every single morning the food smells like burnt oil and just awful. I find the smell to be revolting and on a few occasions have had coughing fits from smoke in the air. He usually disagrees and says that there isn't any smoke in the air.
At present, a couple of factors complicate this even more.
We recently moved into a very old house with terrible ventilation and the fan for the stove just recirculates air around the kitchen.
I am also pregnant and struggling with morning sickness and food aversions, and the smell of his nasty burnt breakfast makes me feel so sick and irritated. I try to stay calm when thinking and talking about it, but internally there is a hormone-fueled rage towards his breakfast. I hate it so much. I despise it.
I've tried talking to him about it a couple times... and he says he will be more careful. He doesn't seem to really understand how irritating the smells are to me. This morning I was in a WFH meeting in my office, when he once again left his food unattended on the stove. The smoke filled my office and I was struggling not to gag and cough.
At this point I want to demand that he either 1) stop cooking breakfast entirely or 2) get a blacktop and cook outside so that I don't have to smell it. Why I think I'm not TA: he has demonstrated unsafe practices with cooking in the morning, and his burnt food makes my morning sickness worse.
Why I might be TA this breakfast has been his daily routine since before we met. It's a ritual at this point. He also doesn't see things the way I do, says that his food isn't burnt and that he doesn't really leave it unattended and that I am being sensitive.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
LottieOD wrote:
He hasn't been doing this for 10 years. Wandering off and leaving food to burn on the stove is a new development. Since your house has poor ventilation, a couple of well placed smoke detectors might help. I imagine the shrieking from that will cure him of his habit before too long.
And apart from the smell, what he is doing is stupid and outright dangerous. He could set your house on fire. When the baby passes of smoke inhalation is he going to shrug his shoulders and claim there wasn't any smoke?
OP responded:
We do, and I just checked the kitchen one is indeed working. They have never gone off FWIW - so I am more sensitive than the alarm.
OK_revenue_9039 wrote:
Hey OP question…can he even smell or taste? Because if he genuinely doesn’t smell it’s burnt or taste that it’s burnt you may have a bit of a problem on your hands and should get him checked. 👀
OP responded:
I hadn't thought about this before and now I'm wondering.
Spare_Ad5009 wrote:
NTA. Buy him a portable timer or insist he take the food off the stove if he has to leave the room. He can microwave it to heat it up later.
OP responded:
Ty, I really like the timer idea and have already suggested it to him and he's on board.
Sufficient_Produce85 wrote:
NTA. Neglecting his breakfast has not been his routine since before you met. What’s so important on his computer that he can’t wait until his breakfast is cooked? Have him bring the computer into the kitchen so he can better watch his breakfast or wait until after it’s plated to go do whatever he’s doing.
RedSky1357 wrote:
NTA. What changed for him to justify him leaving food on a hot burner? How is he going to justify the 3rd degree burns on his toddler, who's gone into the kitchen when you turn your back for just a second (because that's just how little time it takes for a toddler to disappear) and pulls the hot pan off the burner onto themselves? This has got to stop, now, permanently, before the baby comes.
SafetyFluid8535 wrote:
NTA he's being really inconsiderate. It's not that he doesn't understand how much it bothers you, it's that he doesn't care about not annoying you more than he wants to scroll on his phone.
It's not about him not cooking this same breakfast, it's about him not leaving it unattended to burn. Try to talk to him again about how much it upsets you. Does he care more about an extra 5-10 min on his phone than he cares about you? It's not about if he agrees with you as to how bad the smoke is or the smell, etc.
When he tries to disagree, he's trying to get you to ignore/suppress your feelings because he doesn't think they're justified. Just because it doesn't bother him doesn't mean it isn't allowed to bother you. If he still doesn't give a shit, turn off the stove when he's not in the kitchen and let him find out later that his breakfast didn't cook.
Shikakaaaaa wrote:
For two full years this guy constantly leaves the stove unattended to the point that oil is burning, doesn’t care, makes no correction, and you decided it would be a good idea to bring a baby into the picture to also be burned alive along with your pets and yourself when that inevitable day finally comes?
Aur3lia wrote:
NTA. My mom had some pretty intense food aversions during pregnancy and my dad happily gave up every single one of them without issue. It's not a big ask to stop making fragrant foods on high heat in the morning while you are pregnant. He clearly needs to get his routine figured out so that it doesn't cause a fire.
glynndah wrote:
A simple "Honey, you accidentally left the stove on" as you vomit into his lap {or his laptop, your choice} might go a long way to solve the problem.
lihzee wrote:
NTA because he shouldn't be walking off and leaving things to burn. It really isn't that long of a process, he should be able to stand by his food while he's cooking it until it's done.