'AITA if I ask my mother to change the date of her farewell party?'
"AITA if I ask my mother to change her farewell's party date?"
So for context : My (30F) daughter (that we'll call Jane) will be celebrating her 10th birthday in in a few months. We've always done it at my mom's (66) place but this year's gonna be different 'cause my mother (let's call her Alicia) is moving out far from us.
Alicia and Jane are really close, and even tho she doesn't talk about it much, I know Jane is really sad about it, even more considering she's going through a lot right now with bullying at school and an emotionally absent father. I'm also suffering from depression, and really going through it right now. I'm in paid sick leave, having appointments with both psychologist and psychiatric.
With all of that have come some realizations that my mother is a part of it. A part of her is really manipulative and she knows exactly how to make you feel guilty for things you have no responsibilities over. She is sick, and suffers a lot, and let's out her pain and frustration on us (4 kids 2F 2M, but mostly my sister and I).
In a way - and I never thought I would ever said that - she has a way to make things all about her, but discreetly. It's a pattern. She was also physically and mentally dangerous when we were kids. Even knowing all of that, I've always stood on firm grounds that she did all she could for us and the best with what she had. And I still believe it somewhat true.
Now with the problem: Alicia wants to throw her farewell party at the same time as Jane birthday party. Make it a double event. She didn't ask, she just told me, that would happen. Honestly, at first I thought nothing on it. But when I started telling people close to me, they got weirded out by it. Even more when I told them I was just informed it would happen. And I get what they mean.
Jane is having a hard year, she deserve to have a special time to celebrate her, with people whom she loves and who love her. She deserves and maybe even need to have that event only about her because between her father and my depression, she's in need of attention.
But this is my mom place, she's leaving a few weeks later and I don't think she wants to steal her granddaughter spotlight either. And she would take it really badly and would be really hurt if I asked her to make it to separate event. It would probably create a gigantic fight. So would I TA if I asked her to make two events?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Competitive_Ninja668 wrote:
Why can’t you start a new tradition and celebrate either at your home, or at a kids birthday place?
OP responded:
This will start next year, right now they both wants it there...
Various-Ocelot-2209 wrote:
INFO: Why don’t you celebrate it at your own home, or elsewhere? You can’t dictate what she does in her home, but you can take the party elsewhere. There seems to be a very easy solution to this problem.
OP responded:
Because I live in an apartment and I definitely don't have the space to welcome the guest. I also have very annoying neighbors that will knock on my walls if I sneeze. But the bigger reason is Jane, she's really attached to have one last birthday there.
ProfessorDistinct835 wrote:
YWNBTA for asking but since your mother is moving far away anyway, it feels like a weird hill to die on assuming that many of the same people would be at both events. And she's likely to say no so you'll really be no better off.
(Note that I'd probably feel differently if your mom weren't moving far away, but she is a problem that is self-correcting in that respect. I'd also go low contact after she moves.) Can you do something either the day before or the day after to celebrate J? Something meaningful that the two of you can do together. Or with some of her friends from school?
Worldly_Prize229 wrote:
YTA. Here's why, you said so yourself you didn't think anything of it from the start. But a couple of idiots and their worthless opinion convinced you to double take this whole situation and now look how it's unfolding.
Take a step back and relax and if you're concerned about your daughter, just simply talk to your mother and explain to her how you want to give Julie a little bit of extra support considering current events and how Alicia's moving is a bit saddening on top of it. Make her aware of it okay? I wish you and your family, Julie too the best.
Bullying is hard and I was saddened to hear that, and the closeness to her grandmother who's chosen to move.
And yourself, I hope you get to where you're hoping to be mentally, but cut yourself some slack and try not to listen so much to other people.
Real quick, those people who got weirded out by it and shared their opinion are the real AH Maybe not deliberately however, they might have just been trying to be supportive as you needed to vent about the situation But either way, Talk to your mother about it, it can very most definitely be a wonderful farewell / birthday. Stay positive.
OP responded:
Thank you. And I swear my friends are N T A, some of them even appreciate my mother a lot but they seen and heard shit happening over the years and how it impacted me...they're just defensive of me and tired of the BS...
CorwinAlexander wrote:
Speaking anecdotally as a Christmas baby, kids may not always show it, but they internalise the thought that they're insignificant when they have to share the one day a year that's "supposed to be" about them. NTA. Grandma is mature enough to be expected to delay the spotlight being on her, daughter isn't and shouldn't.
Edit: perhaps suggest that other people should take on the burden for grandma's farewell party so she doesn't have to prepare more than one party.