'AITA if I ask my sister to break up with her boyfriend or move out of my apartment?'
"AITA if I ask my sister to break up with her boyfriend or move out of my apartment?"
I (28F) invited my sister (33F) to move in with me a couple of months ago. She needed a safe place to land so she could break up with her awful boyfriend (44M), who she was living with for several years, and I was living in a 2 bed 2 bath apartment by myself.
I specifically chose a two bed apartment so that I could have an office/craft room and I have worked really hard to get to a point where this is something I can afford on my own. However, I was happy to shift my priorities for a family member in need. Here's the issue though; my sister moved in but did NOT break up with her boyfriend.
I thought at first that maybe she needed some space to realize how unhappy he made her and she would get around to breaking it off with him. However, it's been almost three months and she spends all her time either in her room on the phone with him, at his place, or texting with him when I'm trying to talk to/spend time with her.
She also had a habit of just showing up with him without talking to me about it, despite requesting that we both adhere to a 24 hour notice for guests that aren't immediate family. Thankfully, she's stopped doing that, but I'm still feeling taken advantage of.
The rest of the apartment is cluttered with all the stuff I had in the office/craft room, I'm paying all the bills, I'm doing most the chores, and she doesn't "need" to be living here, she just wants to have her own space to run away to and whatever "benefits" of her boyfriend. WIBTA if I let her know that it's time to either break up with her boyfriend or move back in with him?
I don't want to dictate the life of a woman in her 30s, but at this point I'm getting a little resentful. Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) in our family has been telling me since she moved in and stayed with her boyfriend that this is BS and I need to put my foot down but I just feel really guilty. Especially since I let it go on for so long...would love to hear some non-biased thoughts.
ETA: Sister is disabled and cannot safely live alone and cannot afford to rent her own place or really pitch in reliably. Hence the idea that she needs to live with me or with him. I'm happy to help family in need, but she is not currently in need since boyfriend is still an option.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Spare-Shirt24 wrote:
NTA. But you should check your lease. Most landlords don't allow guests to live there consecutively after a set number of days. A guest is any adult not on the lease. You could be in violation of your lease and that is grounds for eviction.
OP responded:
First thing I did was check with the office and added her to the lease...which in hindsight may have screwed me over now...
Crazyandiloveit wrote:
NTA. She's taking advantage of you and she's old enough to figure out accommodation herself. However I wouldn't phrase it like that, I would simply say it's time for her to move out, she had time to save up for her own rental and you want your space back. No condition ala "break up or move back with him."
Give her a certain time frame to find somewhere to stay (A date she needs to be out). If she whines or tries to guilt trip you remind her the reason she moved in with you obviously no longer is exists since they're still together. If you want to, you could offer to try to help her find her own space to rent.
OP responded:
The issue with this is she is unemployed, has been for most of the time she's lived with me, due to health issues. She's working on getting on disability and has no income currently. So it's live with me or live with her boyfriend.
kukka63 wrote:
Your sister is taking a merry advantage of you because you allow her to do so. Why would she move out, you are paying the bills and the chores. She is a grown up and her rubbish choices are her's to make. Why on earth would you pamper a 33-year-old woman in this way?
OP responded:
I've been asking myself that question a lot lately...I just wanted to support her to get to better spot, but it's just not happening. She does have physical disabilities so that factors into it, but I do too and they are always on the back burner.
Papergoodsaddict29 wrote:
Did your sister agree to this plan before moving in, or was it just you?
OP responded:
She asked me if she could move in so she could break up with her boyfriend. The first time she visited my apartment she joked that "This will be my room when I finally leave J". This was her, 100%.
mrtnmmnhr wrote:
YTA. You can't decide if she breaks up with her boyfriend or not. You set a boundary for yourself; you can't live here in my space if you are dating him. Then stick to your boundary. I just read she's on the lease, so your move is actually 'I will move out if you keep dating him.'
OP responded:
Her being on the lease does not mean I am moving out. I am the primary on the lease and pay all the bills. I was on the lease by myself for 9 months before she was added. 😅
FitSprinkles307 wrote:
So your family who in real life has seen how she’s taking advantage and making a fool out of you and you still had to post on here?
OP responded:
Well, they're not really unbiased. I wanted a third party opinion 🤷🏻♀️
MonarchofDonuts wrote:
NTA--you've not obliged to support your sister in perpetuity, especially when the "emergency" you were trying to help with turned out not to be an emergency at all. Explain that she either has to kick in half the expenses starting at the top of the month and/or tell her she's got to move out.
My guess is that the end of the free ride would mean the end of the roommate situation anyway. Sorry she's still with the toxic BF, but you can't make her quit him, and you went above and beyond to help.