'AITA if I ask to order à la carte instead of paying $80 for a set menu at my friend’s bday?'

"AITA if I ask to order à la carte instead of paying $80 for a set menu at my friend’s birthday?"

I (30F) live in city A and my best friend (29F) lives in city B. She invited me to her 30th birthday dinner with a month’s notice, but I was happy to attend as this is a milestone birthday. I booked a 4-hour train ride ($70), and bought a birthday gift ($130). All of this was within my planned budget.

Originally, the dinner was booked at a Thai restaurant where everyone orders their own plate. But then, a day or so after the restaurant was communicated, she changed the venue to a Japanese izakaya.

The dinner is now a group booking with a set menu of shared tapas for the table, costing $80 per person (tax & gratuity are included, drinks are not). The dinner is also @8 p.m. meaning I’ll be killing time in the city for most of the day.

Now, I have dietary restrictions after going through a health ordeal the past few years. I’ve narrowed down my triggers and even got tested to confirm my sensitivities, which is that I don’t eat seafood or mushrooms (they cause reactions). I’ve been doing well with my health lately because I’ve managed to keep a strict diet.

Anyways, I let her know about my food restrictions early, and to her credit, she went back to the restaurant and asked the chef to create a group menu with this in mind. I told her not to fuss too much about it, and as long as there were 1-2 things that I could eat on the regular menu of 6 dishes, I’d be okay.

A few days pass and she sent me a “no seafood/no mushroom” version of the set menu, which includes things like salad, pickled vegetables, stir-fried vegetables, fries & vegetable sushi. Apparently I’m not the only one with dietary restrictions, there’s someone that’s vegan. So I guess us special people get our own menu.

At this point, I’m realizing I’d be paying $80 to eat a selection of vegetables, while the rest of the group will be getting multiple protein-heavy and specialty dishes which are of course seafood dishes. This is understandable if I was vegan, but I am not vegan and enjoy chicken/beef.

So after killing an entire day in the city waiting to come to the restaurant, the idea of paying $80+ for a few veg tapas is really unappealing and financially tough. I don’t want to make things difficult or take away from her special birthday, but I also feel uncomfortable paying that much for a meal I can’t fully enjoy.

For reference, when I accepted the invite, I thought it was going to be individual plates, and was looking to spend $40 max on my plate considering how much I already spent for travel.

I was thinking of asking if I could order 2 tapas à la carte off the regular menu and pay for my own food and drinks, instead of participating in the shared set menu. But I’m worried this might come across as rude or selfish, especially since it’s her birthday and a group dinner. She’s also a massive foodie so being able to share a specially prepared meal with a group of friends means a lot to her.

So, AITA if I ask to opt out of the set menu and order my own food instead?

This is what people had to say to OP:

kallisti_gold said:

Call ahead to confirm they'll even allow that -- there's a good chance they won't. If that's the case, don't go

bopperbopper said:

Return the gift and pay the $80

RealTalkFastWalk said:

NAH. Return the gift and get something half the cost, then use part of your extra time that day to enjoy a delicious, filling appetizer somewhere else, so you are ready to join the party as is.

kisskissenby said:

NAH Your friend went out of her way to make sure you could eat on menu. This was very kind of her. She is not an Asshole. You also would not be an asshole to decide that this entire excursion is just too expensive and cancel with sincere apologies.

Ask yourself though if this is really about the food. The money is basically to spend time with your friend for her birthday doing what she wants to do because it's HER birthday, not to eat what you particularly want to eat. The decision is really up to you. If it's too much money altogether then it's too much money but don't make it about the food.