'AITA for asking for a paternity test?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for asking for a paternity test?"

First of all I know I made I big mistake. I know I hurt her but hear me out and be honest with me if I still could fix what I've broken or not. I'm Russian so don't mind my English.

I 32M started to date 29F in 2021. We had a great relationship. She's calm, sweet and considerate. We dated for a year then moved to another city. Everything was going great. We made new friends and built a life there. Problems started when a male best friend of hers decided to move to the same city and found himself a place right across the street.

Things started to change. He would visit almost everyday, my ex was a people pleaser. I tried to make it clear to her that it's getting annoying and that I don't like that guy but she couldn't bring herself to tell him or set some boundaries. He was handsy and flirty in a way I couldn't stand. She would hint that she's not comfortable and he would behave but 5 mins later he starts with his usual.

And she end up telling me that he mean nothing and he's like this with everyone. Fast forward to 2023. We found out she was pregnant. I was over the moon and both of us was extremely happy and excited. He stopped visiting and after like two months or so he moved back to his city. My ex and I had mutual friends.

That's where one of our friends started connecting dots and started telling me how she had suspected something but kept quiet because she didn't want to be the reason a two people separate but can't hold this anymore. And played with my mind.

She said that my gf and her best friend probably had a thing going on based on the way they used to act whenever we were out with our friends. And how it's strange of him to leave just as she got pregnant. She suggested that I don’t put the baby on my name until a paternity test has been completed.

I told my gf about this and she didn't take it well. She broke up with me instantly and after a few weeks agreed to the paternity test thing, but she made it clear that nothing will change, that she will never forgive me and won't ever come back to me if I ever regret what I did and ask for forgiveness. I told her we could just forget about the test but she insisted. Our boy came few days ago and we did the test.

Yesterday I got the results. And yes, I feel my chest terribly tight with regret. I didn't drink or eat anything, I couldn't even bring myself to go to work today. What do I do now? When we broke up I never stopped helping throughout the pregnancy, she refused almost everything but still I was always there for her.

Deep down I knew that baby was mine but the damage was done and I went with the plan. What to do now? How do I make it up to her? I know she would never come back to me. But how do I properly apologize? Just what to do now?

Edit: Alright thank you all for your opinions, I knew. And I know now what an a$%#ole I am. I know I messed up. But I never said I was planning to ask her to come back to me since I know I hurt her badly and in no place to ask such a thing. I also made it clear I had no problem with taking responsibility as a dad I don't know why i got called names about it in the comments.

I'm happily ready to do everything in my power to be the best dad to my son and of course financially too. Also I did try to explain and genuinely apologize before even the test but she wouldn't listen. I'm ready and never gonna stop trying to apologize to her for the hurt I caused and I will always be there for the mother of my child.

As for now. She just gave birth I won't add up with my problem. I will be there for her until I feel like it's a good time then I will ask to talk about it.

Edit: for people asking how did I brought up the test. We talked about it home. I asked if she still thinks that her best friend behavior is okay, she said yes. Then I tried to reason with her by asking her if it were the other way around would it be okay for her to see another girl being that flirty and handsy with me. then she say "you don't have a childhood friend that I know of."

Then I went and told her if he's behavior is still okay for her then would it be okay for me to ask for a paternity test. She said if I don't want kids I should've told her before and that she have no problem to go back home (another city) and raise her baby alone. That's where I lost it and said something along the lines that she's going after her best friend and asked if this is was their plan(wrong of me I know).

She broke up with me instantly. And just like I mentioned in the post. Few weeks later she called..

Last edit: the mutual friend is married. She didn't make a move or anything but she's an ex friend now. For people asking what the male friend did to make me this insecure. Well whenever they're sitting beside each other he would keep running his hand up down her arm, ankle, or back (based on the way she's siting).

He would compliment her body or when she change her hair color he would ask her to go back to whatever color he loved to see on her. (he could be really just too comfortable with his female childhood friend but I thought he could at least behave a little now that she's in a serious relationship).

Also some of you asking why I didn't talk the guy directly. I didn't want to make her feel like a controlling freak so I tried to communicate with her and let her handle it -The way I handled the whole situation was wrong. When I accused her for planning to go back to her city town just to be close to him, was wrong of me too.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Far_Nefariousness773 said:

Just co parent. It’s over.

FruitParfait said:

What do you do now? Apologize, Provide child support or work out custody agreements and be a good co-parent. That’s all you can do.

Taliesine_ said:

Don't be surprised when "the friend" that poisoned your mind makes a move to get you

ThreeRingShitshow said:

And when the 'friend' who preyed on your fears and broke you both up, as she knew it would, makes a play for you, turn her down flat. Be present for your ex and the baby and maybe ask for marital counselling to help negotiate the separation. There MAY be a chance for your relationship in that scenario. Work on it and own your faults.

canyonemoon said:

You can't fix your romantic relationship, all you can do is focus on building the best kind of co-parenting relationship with your ex for the sake of your son. Congratulations on the little boy, focus on being the best dad for him, and stop listening to your detective friends unless they have actual solid proof beyond their "connecting the dots" gut feeling.

Also she broke up with you, she's not your girlfriend, she's your ex.

Quarkiness said:

Ex best friend was too pushy and did not respect ex's boundaries. Probably he was in love with her. Leaves after she gets pregnant since he no longer can be with her. Mutual friend creates drama that ultimately makes you two break up.

Motive unknown. Your ex girlfriend loses her best friend for whatever reason and has not cheated on you but know she can't be with you since you didn't trust her. What you can do now is properly co-parent and supportive. Try to be a better man.

A week later, OP shared this first update:

Just like some of you advised me. I decided to do my part as a dad and also take care of the mother of my child and never try to talk about anything for now. I work 8 hours a day, I go back home, take a shower and go to her mother's house to help with the baby until 12-01 Am then I go back home, rinse and repeat.

She's staying with her mom currently so I try my best to do my part, her mother always been good to me, even when we broke up she called me and asked if I'm okay.. so since she's helping with my son, I order dinner for them every day (I'm bad cook) and try to help around the house when my son and ex asleep.

I buy things for him and made it clear that I'm more than happy to buy whatever they ask me to because I still don't know much about the whole situation. That's all I can do for now. Three days ago her mother was showing me how to change his diaper properly. Which I nailed it. Anyway she went downstairs and was just me, my ex and our baby in the room now. She said "I'm sorry" almost like a whisper.

I asked her what for and she said nothing. I didn't want to press the issue and changed the subject. Two days ago she was on her phone texting with someone. After a few minutes she told her mother that the best friend visiting tomorrow to see her and the baby.

Then she turned to me and asked me if I'm okay with that, I said why wouldn't I be, then she said she just thought that I might not want him to see the baby. I told her it's her baby too why would that be a problem for me? Anyway yesterday I was at work when my ex texted me asking if I can stop by one of her favorite places and bring her a steak, I said of course.

(the place close to my work and I used to buy her food on my way back home often). When I made it to her mother's house I saw the best friend car parked. I'm not gonna lie I really didn't want to see him and if not for the food I wouldn't have went in because part of me was afraid of what I might see.

Well her mother was happy to see me but more happy than usual if that makes sense. My ex and her best friend were sitting beside each other on the couch. He said hi and kept scrolling on his phone, I handed her the food and went on with my routine with my son. But I couldn't help but notice how he kept his hands to himself. How he didn't throw inappropriate comments.

They talked and laughed and everything just like before but without being handsy and flirty. I was getting ready to leave when my ex's mother said I look tired and can stay for the night if I want to. I didn't cause it will be hard for me to go back to my place in the morning to get ready for work.

I can't stop thinking about what could she have meant by "I'm sorry". Why did she ask me If I was okay with her best friend visiting? I'm trying my best to forget about what happened and focus on co-parenting amd nothing else but can't seem to stop thinking about things. Anyway I just felt like getting it off my chest and giving an update. Thank you to the ones that gave advice without being rude about it.

And then four days later, OP shared this second and final update:

The day after I posted an update, I was on my way home when I got a call from my ex's mother, she told me to not order or bring anything for dinner and she seemed a little off. Anyway when I made it to her mother's house, my ex was breastfeeding so I went to help her mother set the table. Both my ex and her mother didn't talk at all and you could feel that something wasn't right.

Her mother started a conversation about fatherhood and said something along the lines of "you're a good dad yourself, I wouldn't have dreamed of a better dad to my grandchild" my ex mumbled "Yeah wait until he disappear before his son even turns 1 year" (like my father did) I felt myself shaking with rage, her mother snapped at her instantly.

I said nothing as the baby was in the same room and didn't want to wake him up with raised voices, I quietly left. Before I even made it home she blew up my phone with texts and missed calls. She was begging me to answer her call. I did. She apologized for bringing up my father and said she was angry at herself for everything and instead of trying to fix things she just made it even worse.

She then said that she can't say this face to face and asked if I can just listen to her without cutting her off until she finishes. She apologized about how she didn't stop her best friend from ruining our relationship and that she now realizes how wrong the way both of them used to act. I Didn't say anything I just kept listening to her.

She also mentioned that her mother made her realize how the flirting and touching were too much for any man in his right mind to accept. She talked and talked and I listened until she got everything out and asked her the question that been eating me up because I really needed closure to put everything behind.

I asked her if anything happened between them when we were still together, she said no but the night he came to see the baby he admitted to having feelings for her which made her realize that the way he was handsy and flirty with her wasn't innocent.

I went the next day to see my son, I had a conversation with her mother about everything, she advised me to not let anything get into the way of my relationship with my son, I reassured her that my son well-being all I care about and nothing can affect the way I care about him. She also apologized for what he daughter said and validated my feelings.

Later my ex asked if both of us could start therapy to work out everything properly for the sake of our son so we co-parent the best way we can. She looked more relaxed and herself for the first time after everything and apologized again for bringing up my father and how she hate herself for it.

That's all I don't think there will be any more updates. This it for me, both of us decided to do what best for our son. For people advising me in the last post, I already went the legal route to get my legal rights to my child, I just forgot to mention it. I will delete the posts and my account this week I just wanted to let you know how things went since I already shared my problem with you.

Thank you for your opinions especially the ones that tried to see things from my perspective and tried to be kind to me.

Edit: she dropped her friend that what she said when she was talking about when he admitted to having feelings for her.

Added comments:

Commenter:

Are you still hoping to get back together or just coparent ?

OP:

I don't think I want to go through something like this again. Then again bringing up my father while she knows how hard opening up was for me but I did it for her was something I never expected of her, I'm nothing like him.

Commenter:

I'm usually very generous and understanding when it comes to women and how some of them are mistreated. However, no way would I side with your Ex or give her sympathy. Yes, there are AHs who ask paternity out of nowhere but that wasn't the case. Another man was flirty with her and your ex invalidated your feelings when you brought out the boundary-crossing.

You even tried to reverse the roles, and she further dismissed your opinions. Because I know, if the roles were reversed, no woman's alarm bells wouldn't go off. You had every right to question her and the paternity. Even if she has problems establishing boundaries, she shouldn't have blown you off when you were adult enough to bring out the issue before asking for paternity.

And now look, you were right along to suspect her friend and even she regrets it. Her own mother sides with you. I'm sorry that you had to go through your ex's fool-hardy attitude and while I'm not sure if you two will get back together, I do sincerely wish you'd meet a woman who doesn't dismiss your concerns like she did. Or deflect to insult you, after discovering, she was wrong.

Because often, if the genders were reversed, we'd be calling the ex a crappy man; through and through. All the best!

OP:

You will get downvoted for this but I respect you for being honest with your opinion. What most people would not understand. I genuinely apologized many times for my mistakes but no matter what I'm wrong here. She dismiss my concerns and I'm wrong.

I give her the space she asked and I'm wrong. She tells me about how her best friend admitted to having feelings for her, she try to hurt me by bringing my father up and still I'm wrong for everything.