'AITA if I asked my mother-in-law to stop talking about hair entirely?'

"AITA if I asked my mother-in-law to stop talking about hair entirely?"

So I [26 F] am biracial (black and white). My MIL [65 F) is white and for years has been making comments about my hair that has made me feel uncomfortable. She’s an awkward woman and says a lot of out-of-pocket things.

But back to this situation. In the past she has made comments about my “Black hair” and would compare it to her own hair (I guess cause it gets frizzy idk) she also would walk up behind me and start touching it without asking.

At Thanksgiving, I had shaved my head and decided to wear a wig, as I was nervous about explaining why I decided to shave my head or any questions that I would have to answer. As soon as we walked into her house she said in front of extended family members “that’s not your real hair.” I lied and said it was and she kept insisting it wasn’t.

So I pulled my [26 M] fiancé aside told him that the touching and the comments made me feel uncomfortable and othered (for lack of a better word) almost immediately after I told him this his mother reached out to touch my hair and my husband gently pushed her hand down and said please stop.

She ignored and reached again. My husband did the exact same thing which set her off. She stormed upstairs and slammed the door. I didn’t see her for the rest of the night. When my fiancé spoke to her she yelled, cried and told him he “was not the son I raised." I told my fiancé I wanted her to watch videos or read about what micro-aggression is. She refused but said she wouldn’t talk about my hair at all.

It worked at first but now she constantly asks me questions about hair products (I know almost NOTHING about) And has recently compared my hair texture to a family member based on a photo she saw on instagram (that family member was not having a great hair day) so I was a little upset but said nothing.

I’ve observed that she doesn’t talk about hair with extended family members unless I’m part of the conversation. Almost every interaction I have with her is about hair or hair products and it’s exhausting. My fiancé doesn’t think it’s a big deal but it makes me feel weird. So AITA if I asked her to stop talking about hair and commenting on my hair entirely, even if she insists it’s a compliment?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Wide-Speaker7384 wrote:

Why do you subject yourself to this woman? She makes you uncomfortable and does not respect your boundaries. I wouldn't set foot in her house or spend a single minute with her until she can get her bullshit behavior under control. Partner can go see his parent alone but you are not there to satisfy her morbid curiosities or to be handled like a touch exhibit at a petting zoo.

NTA.

Have a heart to heart with partner about needing to be respected like a person and treated like a person.

Lucky-Tumbleweed96 wrote:

Say nothing. You should spam her with constant videos about hair, hair styles, products AND about hair micro aggression, policing and history. Eventually, only about the latter. 2 can play that game! Bombard her as much as she bombards you. If she gets offended - just cry, exactly like she would.

Sad to say, but I’ve noticed this is the only approach that works with white people. Especially white women. You have to get down to her passive aggressive level and play dumb. Anything else would be used against you. Side note - I would seriously reconsider marrying into this family if at this point NO ONE has come to your aid. Not even your fiancé.

psilosirenrose wrote:

NTA. But I am curious if your husband expects you to keep showing up to family functions if his mom "just can't help herself" and can't find it in her skill set to be respectful and mind her own business. You can ask, but if her previous patterns of behavior are any indication, you may not be able to convince her to treat you well.

You may not have many options after that beyond just avoiding her. I'm especially worried about the tantrums and her deciding to also punish your husband when he tried to stand up for you. These behaviors aren't the mark of a person with a strong moral compass or accountability.

OP responded:

My fiancé does say he wants me to be there because he genuinely loves his family and I won’t lie I love his family too but they know that what she says makes me uncomfortable and they will roll their eyes or sigh loudly but never address it. I am also at fault for this because I don’t say anything other than changing the subject or sometimes pretending I don’t hear her.

I’m genuinely scared to correct the behaviour because I know how volatile she can get. It makes it extremely difficult and I go but I asked him to stay with me or to be a barrier between the his mom and I, just to avoid comments or hair conversations.

rrrrrrroger wrote:

NTA. OP, as someone who is also biracial, I got so sad and upset reading this. Your future mother in law is out of hand and needs to be set straight. But not by you, that is your fiancés job. The fact that he doesn’t take any of this seriously is the worst part, he needs to take your feelings into consideration, especially since you are the love of his life.

You need to have a long heart to heart with him, if this is how he treats your feelings. That last thing you want is to be stuck in a marriage with someone who won’t even stick up for you or defend you. You should never feel bad about sticking up for yourself. What she is doing is racist(micro aggression) and needs to be stopped, I truly wish you the best.

OP responded:

Your message brought me to tears. Your message made me feel seen. I brought up the conversation around couples therapy and he’s open to it— learning how to better understand me, race, racism and white fragility in general and how to navigate setting healthy boundaries with his mother.

I love him so very much and I genuinely believe if he were to really understand me and if his mother changed her ways and took the time to see me as more than just hair—he and I could survive anything.

Fatt3stavenger wrote:

It's so clear you're NTA that I am genuinely worried about your mental state. Do YOU actually think she is in any way being reasonable? Is there any part of you that thinks this is normal or acceptable behavior? Is there some mitigating factor you neglected to mention - does she have dementia or alzheimers, where impulse control is diminished?

If there is some diminished capacity, maybe her behavior can be ignored but I would stay away from her. If your fiance isn't defending you, I would also reconsider the relationship. NTA.

OP responded:

I really appreciate your concern. My parents and sister are on my side 100%. I think I have hope that she can grow and I won’t lie— I do see slivers of growth from her which is what makes me believe she can change, but then she makes comments.

She does often repeat conversations and I’ve brought this to my fiancés attention and he did not want to talk about the possibility that it could be Alzheimers.To get a bit deep I was SA’d by my bio parent and told her because she kept asking questions about why that family member is not apart of my life so I told her.

She and I had a good heart to heart, but recently she brought my bio parent up and told me I should be grateful for them because I wouldn’t be here without them. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I don’t know if I can be angry because I don’t know if it’s being malicious or if she forgot because there is an underlying issue. I may press my fiancé to really look into it.

Similar_Pineapple418 wrote:

NTA. But I wonder if she feels talking about hair is a common ground with you and she’s not sure how else to relate or talk about with you.

Not to say she’s doing a good job of relating now.

OP responded:

That’s what I thought too! But she knows I love reading crime novels and I know she loves crime novels too! We have even traded books. She never asks me about work or school or shared hobbies. it’s just hair! her hair, my hair, hair products.

No-Delay5358 wrote:

OP, your future MIL is a stone-cold racist at bottom, and is masking it by this wildly bizarre OBSESSION with your hair. This is outright abuse, in my book. And it could be a deal-breaker. Either fiance steps up and defends you 100% against his bats**t mother, or you are in for a lifetime of pain. Do not compromise on this!! NTA all the way.