'I was asked to pay for my own engagement ring. What should I do?' UPDATED

"I was asked to pay for my own engagement ring. What should I do?"

Here’s the issue: My (38F) fiancé (44F) proposed and everything seemed wonderful. I rode the high of the engagement for a few months. She eventually told me that she had bought the ring on credit, which didn’t seem unusual at all. That was, until she started receiving debt collector calls.

Backstory: we are both older adults and both have good jobs with decent income, with her making a bit more than me. It’s not a first marriage for either of us, and though I wasn’t expecting a proposal, it’s important to know that I’m not typically one to care about anything big or fancy when it comes to jewelry. Simple and elegant is perfect.

I do know that an engagement ring should traditionally be roughly the value of two months salary for the purchaser. Thankfully, this one was not that expensive, but was only about one week’s salary for her. She bought it on a whim and used store credit. However, unbeknownst to me, she never made any payments.

According to what I was told, the creditors started to get very aggressive and were threatening to show up and take the ring right off my finger. She knew that I had been saving money for something else, and asked me to “front” her the full price of the ring (plus accrued interest and fees) out of my savings to get the debtors off her back.

As mentioned earlier, it wasn’t super expensive, so I can afford it, but I feel like I shouldn’t have to. My friends think I’m crazy for considering paying for it. Our wedding is next summer. I love my ring, but I don’t know what to do.

This is what people had to say to OP:

stuckinnowhereville said:

Reconsider this relationship. Personally- I’d give the ring back and wash my hands of them and their bad decisions.

Ok_Quantity_4134 said:

Be very careful, looks like the start of sexually transmitted debt. If she isn't paying that debt, what other debts is she possibly not paying?

disraeli73 said:

Run.

lizard990 said:

Full stop! Why are you even considering marrying someone who is this bad with money!?!? You do know the leading cause of divorce is money! You need to give back the ring and take a HUGE step back until she is able to be more stable with money!!!

Two weeks later, OP shared this update:

Well that escalated quickly. It’s over, and I gave the ring back. If you commented that she was hiding something (which was so many of you), get your popcorn ready.

First, to clarify, we did not live together. She lives a couple of counties over where she works. So we saw each other on weekends and communicated mostly by phone during the week. She was working on transferring locations and we would live in my house. So, luckily we never shared housing costs. Now back to the story.

I know I sounded immature and desperate as a few people stated. And I guess y’all were right. I was blinded by excitement and emotions. I took some time to think about everything that my friends and y’all said and decide how to move forward. It needed to be an open and honest conversation, but I wanted to approach it in a positive way, with the intention of improving our future.

She came over as usual and we sat down to talk over dinner at my house. The moment I mentioned finances, I noticed a change in her demeanor. Her body language and tone became a little defensive. Not a lot at first, but noticeable. I laid out all of my financial details and asked if we could look at hers as well, so we could make some plans moving forward and discuss what our future goals were.

While I know I’m not the best with money, I am comfortable on my own, I don’t have credit cards, my only debts are my house and my car, and I pay my bills on time. I don’t have a huge savings or any investments other than the basics provided by my job. (Someone mentioned I should start saving for retirement, and they’re right.)

Now, when I say that the world turned upside down quickly, I’m not kidding. She wanted nothing to do with this discussion. Apparently I crossed a line by asking to see her banking and credit information. Since I had trusted her up to this point, she suddenly thought I must have motives to take her money. She couldn’t believe I didn’t just want to continue to take her word for it.

The discussion got very heated, very fast and her anger was irrational to me. She turned into a completely different person and said things I never expected. She accused me of all kinds of random things. After things escalated, she said, “Fine. If you want to know…” and proceeded to tell me that she had about $50k in credit card debt that she and her ex racked up over a few years.

I guess that’s where all of her money was going. Or maybe she wasn’t paying that either. I’m not even sure how she got a jeweler to give her a line of credit with that history! (Or if her story about that is even true at this point, I’m laying odds it was not.) I tried to ask why she hadn’t felt like she could tell me this, but she was past any reasonable communication at that point.

At no time did she agree to let me see any records of any kind. I still have no idea what is true and what is not. I’m sure there was shock all over my face.

After a good while of this, I excused myself and took a few minutes to calm myself down. I texted my best friend to put her on alert as backup just in case. Then I put on my big girl pants, walked back out and handed her the ring. I told her to return it or do whatever she wanted with it.

I opened the door and asked her to leave. That’s when the water works and love bombing started. (I’ve read my share of love bombing stories on Charlotte’s page, and this was classic behavior!) I just wanted her to go. I tried to steady myself like I was dealing with a toddler. I was super messed up inside but I tried not to let it show.

When she couldn’t get a reaction out of me, she finally left, cussing the whole way out, saying I’d regret it, and how stupid I was. My bestie showed up a little while later with a bottle of wine she had grabbed on her way out the door. I have ignored the messages and calls since then. I’m not blocking her yet in case it escalates more and I need records.

There are a few things of hers at my house that I should get back to her, but I’m tempted to just throw them outside and tell her she has one chance to get them.

I’m dumbfounded. I’m not even sad. Mostly I’m mad at myself for believing all of the romance and affection was genuine and that I didn’t catch on sooner.

Who knows what else she was hiding, as if that wasn’t enough. But it doesn’t matter at this point. I have a lot to learn before attempting any relationships from here forward. Thank you to all the potatoes who helped me see the reality of this situation. Pretty sure I felt that bullet fly past me. Hopefully this is the end of it.