'AITA for asking my adoptive parents if they have a college fund for me like they have for my sister?'
"AITA for asking my adoptive parents if they have a college fund for me like they have for my sister?"
I (17m) was adopted as an infant. My parents were in their late 30s and had tried to have bio kids for years. It didn't happen for them for more than a decade so they looked at infant adoption.
My birth parents chose them to be my parents. My parents were present at my birth and my adoptive mom held my birth mom's hand as I was born. Then I went home with my adoptive parents and the rest was history.
Three years after they adopted me, my parents found out my adoptive mom was pregnant with my sister (14f). I don't know if the treated me different after that or if they were always a little less in love with me than some adopted kids get. But I always felt that my sister was the clear favorite and their real child.
My parents adore her. They spoil her. She got all the cute nicknames like little sweetheart, baby star to list a couple of them. They were also really obsessed with how much she looked like a perfect mix of the two of them. Mom's eye color and nose, dad's hair color and round face and other features.
A few of my cousins used to rub it in real good that my parents had their real kid now and if they could send me back they would. My family knew the said it but nobody ever seemed to care very much.
I didn't get cuddles and kisses like my sister, didn't get the quality time with each of my parents like she did, didn't get crazy spoiled like her either. They didn't completely ignore me and I did get gifts. But they spent less on me and bought less for me too.
Maybe it was the fact I'm a guy and she's a girl idk. I told my parents a few times that I felt left out and they didn't change anything or acknowledge it was true or not true. It was just like oh and then they moved on.
My sister noticed the difference and she'd make fun of it. She used to say she wished she had a real sibling and not a fake one. Or how our cousins were her real family and not me.
A year ago I found out my parents had a huge college fund for my sister. They were talking to my aunt (mom's sister) about it and how they had invested from a few things and taken from their savings for it.
They never mentioned having one for me which stung and I thought about it a lot. I got asked in school if I had money or would I get help from my parents for college and I never knew what to say. I told them I didn't think so and then financial aid was discussed.
I reached out to my birth parents a few months ago too (my parents gave me their names and info they had) and they don't want a relationship with me. My parents said they expected as much but figured it wasn't their place to say. They didn't comfort me or anything and my sister said I had four parents who didn't want me so I must be broken.
Two weeks ago my parents asked me to speak to my guidance counselor about how busy they are and tell her she should talk college stuff with me and not them. I figured she wanted to find out about the money and that's why she wanted to talk to them.
It got to me and I asked them if they had a college fund for me like they have for my sister. They asked me how I knew about it and got mad at me for asking the question. I asked them why they'd make sure she has one but not me when I'll be going to college first and they asked me why I was asking questions that are none of my business.
It made me feel like trash and since that day there's a whole lot of tension in the house and my sister is rubbing it in that she gets a college fund and I don't. My parents never said either way but not saying anything is basically an answer, right? AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA it is 100% your business whether or not you have a college fund and the fact that your parents are trying to tell you it’s not is frankly quite bizarre. Whether they do or don’t could drastically impact your life.
They chose to be your parents the moment you were born. They don’t get to just back out of important responsibilities that come with having a kid just because they had another one and I’m so sorry that they’re enabling the behavior from your sister and cousins.
Kellixtry (OP)
It is weird but I think it's another way for them to not outright reject me as their son but to not answer the question either. So instead of saying yes or no they say it's none of my business which kinda felt worse.
I hope you know that they have no right to be treating you that way. I hope you have some great friends in your life who bring you the warmth that your family doesn’t <3
If this is real: NTA. Look, sadly, it appears your adoptive parents stopped wanting you when they had "a real baby of their own". That sucks. They were still legally required to support you til you turn 18, but it seems clear that once you turn 18, they will treat it as the end of the relationship.
Legally, you remain their child, but that may not mean much going forward. (No rush, I imagine, but it would be worthwhile at some point very confidentially checking the inheritance laws in your state: you may be legally entitled to challenge the will and claim a share of your parents estate if they leave you nothing. Not that that solves any of your problems right now.)
Talk to the guidance counselor properly. Explain the situation, that your parents won't be providing you with any financial support after you're 18, and you need to know what your options are.
For what it's worth, I'd avoid having any break-up fights with your parents or your sister. They are trash for treating you like this, but genuinely - You may be out on your own at eighteen, and when living independently, an important life lesson is never to pick fights you don't have to.
I am very sorry, OP. I wish you had been given to better people. Please try to not let all this have an impact on you. And try to be independent as soon as possible so that you won't have to spend one more hour in the presence of this family of AH.