'AITA for asking my boyfriend who he would save if childbirth put my life at risk?'

"AITA for asking my boyfriend who he would save if childbirth put my life at risk?"

I (F24) have been with my boyfriend (M35) for 3 years. Yesterday, we were at a café talking about how in some countries abortion is banned and women’s lives aren’t prioritized in pregnancy complications. I said it’s heartbreaking that women can be forced to die in childbirth because the baby’s life is valued more.

He told me it was “weird” that I cared so much since it doesn’t directly affect me, and that I shouldn’t waste my energy on something that has no impact on my own life. I said I naturally put myself in other people’s shoes. Then I asked him a hypothetical: if I was giving birth and there were serious complications, would he choose to save me or the baby?

Without hesitation, he said he’d choose the baby. I started tearing up right there, and he told me I should be able to control my emotions. He asked why I was even crying, saying I wanted an answer, I got an honest one, and I should appreciate him for that. And I do appreciate honesty, but that doesn’t mean I’m not hurting.

I always imagined that love would make the decision impossible to answer so easily, or at least make him unsure. Instead, he was certain. It made me feel like my life matters less and I’m valuable only up to a certain point.

I tried to explain that a person who already exists, with relationships, a history, and people who love them, has a different weight in the world than someone not yet born. I’m not saying losing a child wouldn’t be tragic, but the idea that he would let me go so easily is devastating.

When I said that my family would hurt a lot to loose me, he said he would hurt too but because of his child (he didn’t even refer to it as our child). He added that if the baby died and I lived, he couldn’t stay with me because of the grief. He also claimed “every man” would choose the baby even if they love their wife. I told him I know men (like my stepdad) who would choose their partner, but he said that didn’t matter to him.

He also added that i’m overreacting because that’s not even a real situation. Since then, I’ve been crying for hours. I’ve started questioning whether I should even have a child with him, because now...

I can’t shake the thought that if something went wrong, he’d let me die (even if he knows I don’t want to, because I’m still young and have a whole life ahead to live). That thought terrifies me. AITA for asking this question?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Agile-Wish-6545 said:

NTA. I think you will find the vast majority of men would save their wife… you two have different values. Time to move on.

Opposite_Chemical_27 said:

I'm curious why your BF isn't with a woman his own age. Likely it's because a woman his age wouldn't put up with this. NTA, but you will be if you get baby trapped by this man. He's telling you what he thinks of you - you're disposable.

TheRoadkillRapunzel said:

NTA. Please leave. This man is telling you straight up that you are simply a vessel to being his child to life, and that he’s willing to sacrifice your life for that to happen. There is absolutely no scenario where someone who truly values, respects and cares for their partner and they say what was said to you.

That age gap isn’t massive, but considering what he said to you, it’s a red flag. He does not see you as his equal and he selected you because that’s what he loves about you. He showed you that he is a misogynist and selfish. Please believe him.

NYCStoryteller said:

NTA for asking the question, but now that you know his answer, what's your plan? For me, it would be a dealbreaker. My body, my choice, and I choose me. If you don't also choose me, then we're not compatible.

hamsterfamily said:

NTA. Your boyfriend clearly thinks you are replaceable. You aren't. Your life should mean more to him. His claim that any man would think that is just him trying to excuse his own bad beliefs.

imperfectbean said:

NTA. You can find a different guy…I don’t know how it came up but my boyfriend said he’d pick me in childbirth over a child not like this situation was gonna happen in our lives but I was honestly a bit surprised but he said with no hesitation he’d pick me over the baby.