Woman begs family to keep her pregnancy a secret from her mom. AITA?
"AITA for asking my family to keep my pregnancy from the woman who gave birth to me?"
Acceptable-Choice-76
Okay , some backstory (also sorry its going to be long). For the sake of the story and no confusion I will call her "mother" even though I would not consider this woman a "mother" to me.
I have not spoken to my mother in almost a year now. We have never really seen eye to eye and I have always been much more closer to my aunt and grandma than I am with my mother. I always felt like I would have to fight for her love or attention growing up.
Our fallout occurred after many attempts of trying to make time for not only my family but my husband and his family when I would be home for a weekend from work due to me traveling at the time.
I had the last straw when there was a plan to go out to eat with my family . We all discussed days before, planned a place, a time and everything to work around EVERYONES schedule.
My cousin couldn't come at first, but she still made the effort to make time until my sister said she would get off work at that time and would not be ready. Well, we show up to my grandma's house, brought a pie for us all to try too and of course no one is there but my aunt and my brother.
After waiting almost 2 hours for them to show up and I messaged in the group the chat saying we were leaving and left the pie in the fridge, I got frustrated told my husband we can leave and have lunch with my brother instead. This happens almost every time I have made plans and everything would revolve around my sister's time.
We had originally left from my suegra's house and felt bad for leaving because we were all still having a good time. So of course my sister and I got into an argument because she decided to pick up a shift when she originally had the day off. She seems to always have something going on, shows up late, or just doesn't care.
Anyway my mother of course never has anything to say in the chat but messages me privately to stop. My thought process was okay then, she's chosen her side and I don't matter.
My husband had said in the chat that it wasn't right that we all made the plans and my sister was in the wrong. She then said he needed to shut up because he isn't even part of the family. I then blew up, my husband asked me to calm down and leave it be. So I slept on it and the next morning messaged the chat and was obviously upset.
**Message: "I have been evaluating the strained relationship for awhile and I am going to be putting my distance for myself and my family. Yes, this is me cutting my ties. I might not be able to choose my family, but I can choose who I spend time around, and I'm not going to put up with hurtful behavior.
I'm not going to tolerate anything to negatively affect MY current family. It's apparent there's a lack of boundaries. People say what they want, do what they want, and respect is nowhere in sight. I don't want to argue. I don't feel like this is a healthy relationship anymore. Goodbye, wish you all the best. All love. x"
This all happened May of 2023 . Fast forward to January of this year , my husband and I find out we are pregnant. After trying for so long and honestly thinking of adopting at this point.
Our first call was to my suegra, my grandma, my aunt, cousin and brother. I had asked them to not tell my mother. Well she finds out after my gender reveal my husbands family threw for us in April. (Through a video I posted).
She then got upset at all the family that knew and didn't tell her. Even told my aunt that she didn't care that I told her not to tell her that she is her sister and it was wrong for her to keep it a secret. So, am I in the wrong to not tell her even though she had never tried to mend the relationship or apologize after everything that happened?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
54radioactive
NTA You had gone no contact with them and had informed them that was the situation and why. Of course you didn't tell them about the baby YOU WERE NO CONTACT. You aren't talking to them so why would you tell them or invite them to a shower?
Acceptable-Choice-76 (OP)
Thank you! She basically guilt tripped them all saying she's still my "mom" and she had a right to know even if we weren't talking.
pyiana
She doesn’t have “right” to anything. You aren’t her property. If she wants to know about your life then she needs to put effort into maintaining a relationship with you. Honestly I’d go no contact and tell her to f off.
PassComprehensive425
NTA- Your mom only cares because she's not going to have access to that future grandchild. And she may treat you better for a little while. But as soon as your sister has a kid, back to the back burner for you and your family.
Stick to the people that have shown you and love and support all along. They're the ones who deserve to be in your lo's life. They will show your precious lo what love and family really is. Not the toxic bs your mom and sister will bring to your lo's life.
Acceptable-Choice-76 (OP)
Wow. Honestly I think that has always been in the back of my head, but I never wanted to think of it this way. You are absolutely right.
Jennabeb
Your “mother” is no longer important. She didn’t know because it doesn’t matter for her: She’ll never have a relationship with your baby, so she didn’t need to know anything. It makes perfect sense to ask everyone not to tell her. She’s not a healthy person to know these things and she’s incapable of a healthy love to share. So she’s officially irrelevant to your life.