"AITA for asking a friend to stop insisting I’m autistic?"
For some context, while growing up my mother would always insist that something was wrong with me mentally growing up. This spanned from when I was about 8 until I was 17. Most of my childhood was spent seeing different therapists, doctors and psychiatrists.
She did turn out to be right that there was something (I was formally diagnosed with OCD and ADHD at different points and I was screened for autism twice but it was determined I am not autistic).
But because of this, I’m extremely uncomfortable with people even joking about my mental health or things I may or may not have. I’m in a friend group of 4 other people and it’s not something that’s ever been an issue. One of them knows about my childhood and mother as one of them grew up with me.
Lately one of them, Lia, has been on a kick of saying everyone is autistic. “Your ‘tism is showing” or “That’s just part of being autistic”. The others don’t mind those jokes directed at them which is fine. That doesn’t bother me at all. But yesterday we went to lunch and I took pickles off of my sandwich and another friend joked that I was being too picky.
But Lia chimed in with “that’s just because he’s autistic.” When I asked her to please not call me autistic she asked “Why? It’s not like I’m wrong.” I told her I’m uncomfortable with people assuming about my mental health and she just told me I’m “disgusting for acting like being called autistic is an insult.”
My one friend is saying I was right to set a boundary but I’ve been getting texts from the other two asking me to just apologize, so I want an outside perspective to see if I really am an AH for asking her not to call me autistic.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ReadMeDrMemory wrote:
NTA. Lia is toxic. You apologize? For what? For asking her not to bully you? The people suggesting that are…mistaken. Some friends. You should see more of Friend #1 and think about losing #2, 3 & 4. I'm glad to see you standing up for yourself. It's not always easy.
OP responded:
I’ll be talking to friend 1 about this more later when she’s off work. Posting this here has helped me see more about how Lia’s behavior is toxic and how the others insisting on an apology is also wrong. It’s been eating at me since this all happened yesterday and their insistence has definitely added to me feeling like maybe I was wrong in this.
remarkable_degree252 wrote:
I have two autistic children, one affected more socially and the other verbally. People who aren't professionals have no business 'diagnosing' anyone in that way. I would never tell anyone, in spite of 25+ years of raising autistic young people, that they are autistic.
I'm not a professional, I'm just a parent. I'm sorry your friend is treating you this way. You aren't a bad person for not wanting a label that isn't accurate. Honestly, this friend, Lia, doesn't seem like much of a friend.
OP responded:
Thank you! Even personally living with OCD and ADHD, I would never suggest to anyone that they may have either condition just because I recognize different traits or patterns in behavior, even if I didn’t have my own personal qualms with trying to diagnose others or make assumptions about one’s mental health.
It is really warming to see how many people do feel the same way. My other friend is going to call me when she gets off work so I’ll talk to her more about it before I approach Lia and the others about it.
Wise-matter9248 wrote:
Autistic isn't an insult. It's also a very real thing and shouldn't be used as a joke. That's pretty inappropriate, the same way people saying "I'm so OCD" just because they like a tidy house is. It's great that it's becoming destigmatized, but I really wish people wouldn't use it so casually that they forget that it's something real.
I also have ADHD (and wasn't diagnosed with it until I was 17, and got called "weird" my whole childhood), and sometimes people like to "diagnose" me with autism.
And honestly, deep down, I wish people would just let me be me. It's okay to just have ADHD, and be a little quirky. ADHD is enough to deal with on its own. I don't need to add anything to it. Having ADHD and OCD together seems like a lot, and I'm glad you finally got a diagnosis so you can get help.
I have anxiety which sometimes triggers obsessive thinking temporarily, and I can't imagine dealing with that every day. Your friend needs to accept that even though it's "cool" to call people autistic, thanks to tiktok, mental health disorders and disabilities are very real experiences that people have to deal with every day.
OP responded:
I’m very happy to see mental health being less stigmatized than it used to be and I love seeing people being able to open up about their own struggles. That’s something I’m personally trying to work on.
While seeing others joke about their own experiences or tease their friends about it doesn’t bother me so long as everyone is on the same page, sometimes it seems like it’s also putting a lot of misinformation out as well. And I worry that maybe that’s where Lia is coming from or if she’s genuinely coming from a good place.
I’ve seen OCD and ADHD put forward as very much just funny quirky traits like you described. “I just like my house super clean” or “I just forget things some times” when that just erases how hellish it can be. And thank you! It is a lot when dealing with them both, but I’m working on it!
zygomaticus wrote:
NTA. I'm autistic. She's being an AH. If you've been assessed and determined not autistic she's armchair diagnosing you. Tell her that she doesn't know more than the psychiatrist that assessed you and determined she is wrong and if she continues giving you a diagnosis you don't have you won't continue to be around her. Then follow through.