'AITA for asking my friend to give back a gift I gave her after she openly expressed that she would be getting rid of it?'
"AITA for asking my friend to give back a gift I gave her after she openly expressed that she would be getting rid of it?"
I (27 F) have been friends with this girl (we'll call her Mary- 28 F) since high-school. Recently I was back in our hometown and she invited me to her birthday brunch to celebrate her 28th b-day.
One day on my way home I happened to stumble across an estate sale where I found a set of really nice, crystal champagne glasses that were in really good condition and cheaper than their worth.
Mary lives a high quality fancy lifestyle, so I thought they would be perfect for her, especially because they were within my budget (at the time I had been recovering from student loans and just put down a deposit on my first apartment in the city).
Fast forward to the brunch, we had a really good time and I got to catch up with Mary and other friends from high-school. Mary was eager to open the presents, and when she got to mine, she seemed to enjoy them, asking me where I got them since there was no label.
I explained that I didn't know the brand, but the person running the estate sale had assured me that they were authentic and had been a wedding gift to the previous owners. At the mention of the estate sale, Mary became visibly disgusted.
Although she didn't say anything to my face, she was very passive aggressive towards me for the rest of the afternoon. I overheard her whispering to some of the other guests about how I had the audacity to give her a used item and that she would be discarding them later.
After the event was over, I approached her privately, not wanting to make a scene and asked that if she wasn't going to use the glasses, if she could give them back as I would put them to good use and know their quality.
She flipped out and told me it was extremely rude to ask for them back and it was not my business what she did with them. My family is understanding and thinks that I did nothing wrong, but some mutual friends also at the event think otherwise. So, am I the a-hole?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. If I gift someone something nice and they’re openly talking about it wasn’t good enough and they’re gonna trash it. Yeah, I’ll ask for it back and either way, end that friendship. Maybe if people cared about the gift giving rule, they wouldn’t openly trash the gift.
ESH, it is not good etiquette to ask for a gift back once it's been given. She's also in the wrong for what she said, but it is hers now that she has opened it and seen it, so she can do with it as she may whether you like or not. Just really rethink your friendship with her and any others that seem very snobby.
I really don’t know where the idea came from that once a gift is given, the recipient has complete freedom to do whatever they want with it. In the real world, we have to consider the feelings of others, including those who give us gifts.
For example, it would be extremely rude to immediately throw a gift in the trash upon opening it while the giver looks on. If someone did that with one of my gifts, I’d be hurt, and I’d rather take it back than watch that happen. This is pretty close to what Mary was about to do with the glasses, so I think the OP is NTA.
Some relationships are good to let go of. We don't have to remain friends with people after that stage of life I done.
Absolutely NTA. Yes, generally, a gift given is no longer yours. The giftee can do what they want. HOWEVER. In this situation, Mary had the audacity to be completely disrespectful and even talk down your gift to other guests AT THE BRUNCH where it was given! I would absolutely have asked for them back and then I would have left because clearly Mary doesn't have a lot of love for you. You deserve a better friendship.
ESH as someone who loves thrifting and estate sales, it’s very tacky to buy something from one of these outings as a gift. Unless you know they are someone who loves rehoming things and giving them a second life and saving on polluting the world. You can see something and get it as an “I thought of you” type of thing, but you can’t wrap it up and present it as a birthday gift.
I see the comments where people are saying buying second hand should be more popular and yeah it should, but that’s not the world we live in and this isn’t how you get there. She sucks for making it known she doesn’t like it at the event and could’ve waited until she was home to discard them or just hand them back and not accept them.
ESH. Don't give used items as gifts unless the recipient has approved that in advance. She should have accepted the bad gift graciously and donated it after the fact. She's also ridiculous for opening a bunch of gifts at this lunch. Even 5 yo rarely do this at bday parties these days. Its gauche. You guys don't seem to understand etiquette.
Honestly, YTA. If she lives as high class lifestyle as you're describing then giving her a used item is kinda gross to her. Doesn't matter the quality, especially because it's drinkware so I understand her reaction. Thrifted gifts arent for everyone. Personally I'd be pleased with a secondhand gift, but others aren't. When you give something to someone you shouldn't ask for it back.