'AITA for asking my friend's GF how old she was when she made that ceramic?' UPDATED

"AITA for asking my friend's GF how old she was when she made that ceramic?"

This happened a few days ago and I wanted to get some opinions. My friend who I'll call Marcus' gf, Sarah invited me and a couple more friends to dinner as a way of getting to know one another. Marcus had told us before that Sarah has been interested in ceramics since she was a kid and there were a lot of them displayed in her home.

Now here I want to just say that I had no malicious intent when I asked this question and I just wanted to show that I was interested in getting to know her as she seemed like a genuinely nice person.

So, I saw a little ceramic pot in the living room and asked her how old she was when she made that one as I also participated in the ceramics club when I was a kid and it reminded me of a similar one I made which I still keep in my house. When I asked the question I could see on her face that she got upset and she told me that she made it a couple of weeks ago.

I immediately tried to explain myself saying that I didn't mean it was bad or anything and told her about my own little pot I made but I could see that it wasn't really helping. Marcus gave me a look and then changed the subject but I could sense that she was a bit more distant towards me throughout the day.

After we left Marcus called me to berate me while I tried to explain everything again. He is still angry with me for everything and though I feel bad about my comment, I didn't mean anything bad by it. So what do you think? AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Ender_fear wrote:

Soft YTA, only because of the way you phrased it. You could have asked "when did you make this?" Asking her how old she was makes it seem like you thought it looked like a child's work.

JustTheBean wrote:

YTA. I appreciate that you had no ill intentions and simply didn’t think it through. But you implied her pottery looked like the work of a child, and then doubled down by explaining that’s exactly what you meant and saying you had produced something similar as a child… Of course Sarah was insulted.

You could have saved face and told her that Marcus mentioned this had been an interest of hers since childhood, so you were just curious how far back her display pieces went. But instead, you said what you did. You owe Sarah an apology, regardless of good intentions.

Roseadmintalks wrote:

YTA, it’s in how you’ve reacted. You’ve offended someone, inadvertently yes, but you still hurt her feelings. Instead of saying sorry, you doubled down…then tripled down when your mate called you on it.

No tact, no empathy.

Yeah you didn’t mean to cause offence, but you did.

What you need to do is call your friend and apologise WITHOUT mentioning your intent and ask for that to be passed on to.

Jazzlike-Bird-3192 wrote:

Your intentions were nice. But you need to think in the future about how you phrase things. Asking “did you make this?” or “when did you make this piece?” are questions that don’t infer anything. Your intentions and original question don’t make you an AH, just somewhat thoughtless. Unfortunately, your follow up is where YTA. Instead of saying something to recover the situation, you made it worse.

Saying you made something like that as a kid was not helpful and actually made your unintended insult insulting. A better follow up would have been, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anything. I really like the piece and was curious.” Please stop trying to explain yourself as it’s not helping. Just apologise.

buttermellow wrote:

YTA. It doesn’t haven’t to be intentional to make you TA. Asking how old she was when she made it implies you assume she was not her current age, ie younger. And you confirmed that by doubling down by saying it looks like something you made as a child, lol.

I don’t think it’s really something to BERATE someone over, though. But yeah, friend, you need to think a bit more before you speak if you care about the impact of your words on the people around you.

IHaveBoxerDogs wrote:

Ugh, sorry, but YTA unintentionally. Like another poster said, I think this belongs more in TIFU, but you posted here. I know you were probably trying to make things better when you said you made one just like it as a kid, but that just made your initial question worse!

You could have maybe saved it if you had said, "I was wondering, because Marcus said you did ceramics as a kid! I thought you must have been some sort of prodigy!"

excel_pager_420 wrote:

Yeah I'm sorry but YTA. Marcus told you in advance that his girlfriend's hobby is ceramics. So you asking how old she was when she made it had the clear implication that it wasn't good.

Especially when you doubled down with, "I did a ceramics class when I was a kid and made something that looks exactly like this."

You just need to swallow the social gaff and accept Marcus girlfriend is unlikely to become warm to you.

Uncouth_Cat wrote:

NTA. As an artist, people should be aware of their skill level...and they usually are. Its not like you are some ceramics master either. It could've been a "ha ha" moment, but her insecurities got to her. Your friend is totally overreacting imo. But also, I don't think it would hurt to do a simple apology. any more than that, personally, I'd get annoyed. Idk how old yall are, so idk the maturity levels expected here.

Antigravity1231 wrote:

I hesitate to call you an ah because it wasn’t even remotely intentional. But you’ve learned a valuable lesson about carefully choosing your words. You made a very normal human mistake. And while people have the right to feel offended, berating you later and remaining angry about something so small is a bit absurd.

The next day, OP jumped on with an update.

I don't know if anyone gives a shit but just because I can I thought I would make an update. My judgement was NTA but the real judgement was that I was an idiot which I agree with.

So today I talked with Marcus and asked him if he could ask Sarah if she was available today and if she would be open to having a chat as I wanted to apologize and talk to her about everything. She ended up agreeing to meet with me and so I went to her place.

I apologized profusely for what happened and told her that I didn't mean to compare her talent or art to that of a child because she was in fact very talented. Thankfully she accepted my apology. I also told her that I liked the pot she made a lot and showed her the one I made.

She said that while it was very cute it also looked like absolute dogshit which is giving it more credit than it deserves. After that, I also showed her my ceramic bowls which hold no competition to their prehistoric counterparts, and my ceramic swan which never really grew out of its ugly duckling phase.

We laughed and talked for a while and she offered to show me some more of her artwork which I was very happy about. After everything she even took me to the basement which also doubled as her ceramics studio to show me around there as well.

Seeing the opportunity we decided to get our hands dirty and made a friendship bowl type thing together which was very fun.

Overall I would say it was a very good day and a successful apology.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

PassionGlobal wrote:

This is the wholesome s#$t I think more of us could use more of. Good on you, OP, and thanks for the update!

-green-queen wrote:

I think this is my favorite update, and I would love to see the finished friendship bowl after it's kiln fired.

Sunshine030209 wrote:

I'd be at least a little apprehensive of following her into that basement 😆

I'm glad you were able to clear things up, and that you didn't get m#$dered.

Tiberiusthefish wrote:

Well done! Shocking to see two people behaving like rational adults.