'AITA for asking my (future) MIL to not go into/ask permission before going into the room we stay in at their house when we visit?'
"AITA for asking my (future) MIL to not go into/ask permission before going into the room we stay in at their house when we visit?"
We have been going to see my finances family for holidays for almost 5 years now. I love his parents and getting to see them for the holidays, however both are in their mid-70s and staying with them can be a challenge at times.
We stay for 6-13 days at at time and as an anxious person having a space that feels private/safe/secluded helps me to decompress day- especially after being “ON” all day.
We both work remotely, so in the days around each holiday we are usually teleworking from their house as well- which adds up to a lot of time there. For the most part work days and the holiday itself are usually fine, except his mother is VERY overbearing.
Putting it nicely she is an exceptionally attentive host, however so much so that I am bombarded with questions, offers to get me coffee or foods, and immediate hugs and kisses, etc. this starts the second leave our room and enter common spaces.
I understand that she is coming from a place of love and kindness, but it’s overwhelming to step out of our room and immediately get offered everything in their home, and being greeted that way every single morning gets old very quickly.
This usually continues throughout the day being offered various warm weather clothes, gloves, hats, more food, water, soft drinks (which I have never drank in the 5 years of seeing her)-repeatedly.
Additionally, she goes into the room that we stay in to “pick it up”- emptying trash, giving us unasked for items (or items she overheard us talking about), and generally is in and out of our space very casually.
Again I understand the place of care this is coming from and it is her house, it makes me feel like a child with no privacy, and like I’m constantly having to prepare to politely decline things that we are fully capable of doing as adults.
I’ve had conversations with my fiance about how over bearing she can be when it comes to her hosting, and has private conversations with her she reiterates that “it’s just how she was raised” and does not seem to understand at all how uncomfortable this makes me as a guest in her house.
When says something to her in front of people (ex-Mom she knows where XYZ is) she gets upset and reminds everyone that “she is still the host in her house”. I fully understand her wanting to host well, but I’ve expressed many times that just having privacy/ the feeling of privacy, will make the largest difference in how comfortable I am in their house & make me feel RESPECTED.
However, we have never been able to successfully get this adopted. It makes me feel silly to have to keep re-iterating that if she could just ask before going into the room (or not go in at all), but each time I have to and it’s like I’m doing something to be a complaining?
It’s starting to feel like my fiance is also getting sick of how I ‘can’t get over this’, but it’s honestly making me feel resentful towards her for not being able to understand something that feels so basic to me?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NAH that does sound overwhelming honestly. But it’s coming from a good place, and I think she’d be very hurt if you asked her to stop. 6-13 days, though, that’s also overwhelming. Remember fish and visitors stink after 3 days. Shorten your visit and the problem will solve itself.
Thank you! It really is and try to be very gracious and say still thank you each time she offers me things Ive stated that I don’t need. Honestly she doesn’t get sad, sometimes it comes off more as “I’m going to host you whether you like it or not”.
(She does similar things with gifts- once she wanted to send us a housewarming gift, but didn’t verify our address- she just looked up the apartment name and entered the first address she found, meaning it was up to us to track down where the package was. It was a nice thought but ended up being such a pain in the butt).
I want to go for shorter stays, however since they are aging my fiance likes to stay for longer (since it’s only 2-3 times a year) which I understand. But the need for privacy for the specific room was also a compromise to not getting an Airbnb/hotel when we visit for the holidays (aside from cost as well ☹️)
I have a friend who has a mother like this. I feel you - it’s exhausting. I’ve been to her house once (she lives 9 hours away) and it was constant offers of stuff, no matter how much you say no.
But this is who she is. There is no changing her. My friend recognizes fully how her mom is and in turn, she takes her kids to see her mom for a week in the summer and her husband stays home. They’ll go see her mom for a long weekend at thanksgiving or Christmas - but that’s all she asks of her husband.
Which is my recommendation to you - can YOU spend less time there? Let your fiancé go for the extended time to spend more time with them, then you come for a shorter time?
NTA for feeling overwhelmed by the lack of privacy and over-attentiveness. It seems unlikely you’ll be able to get her to change her ways. Either you’ll just need to suck it up or spend less time there. If you just go for say, five days, is that bearable?
How about staying in a separate accommodation nearby? Would that be better for you? MIL would no doubt see it as an insult but she’s not the only person here requiring consideration.
ProfessorNo1747 (OP)
I think she would be more offended if we didn’t stay with her. I would love to stay for less time, however my fiance get anxious about the amount of time that he has left with them/ how many times a year he sees them, so he extends our trips the few times that we do. In times that I have come later and left early, I’ve felt more rude and like it was more obvious I am uncomfortable being there.
Can you just invite them to your place next year instead? Doesn’t sound like the behaviour is going to change in their house, especially if you have already had multiple conversations about it.
Light YTA if you continue to drill this point home instead of working with your partner to find an alternative solution, you noted yourself that it’s starting to make others uncomfortable.
ProfessorNo1747 (OP)
We have only have an 2bdroom apartment in a state thats a couple hours flight away. It would likely be more inconvenient for them, and even less private for us. I have been trying to work with my partner and only drilling the point to him. The issue lies where I see it as a respect thing and she sees it as an ingrained need for her to be a caretaker.
Yeah, it’s a tough situation and it totally makes sense why you are frustrated. At the end of the day though, it is their house and they are in their 70s. They are not gonna change. You have to decide what is worse - less privacy for one week of the year, or a damaged relationship with your in-laws. lol. I’d just start locking the door.