'AITA for asking my girlfriend’s brother 'what kind of a man' he is?'
"AITA for asking my girlfriend’s brother 'what kind of a man' he is?"
My (34M) girlfriend "Lara" (30F) and I got into a huge argument because of something I said to her younger brother "Randall" (22M). For context, Randall lives with their sister "Anna" (29F).
Anna had a big grocery haul today and her van recently kicked the bucket, so Lara and I offered to take her. We drove her to the store, helped with the shopping, and loaded everything into my car.
On the drive back, Randall texted Anna asking if she could pick them up some takeout on him. Anna agreed, so we made an extra stop to get their food. The plan was, when we got to their apartment building, Randall would come down to the lobby to help us bring up all the groceries and his takeout. This was agreed upon when we went to get the takeout because the parking is a pain and it's a lot to carry alone.
We pull up, text him, then call him. No answer. We call again. Nothing. We parked the car properly, which meant Anna, Lara, and I had to make multiple trips from the parking lot to the lobby and then up to the apartment, lugging all the groceries and the takeout.
I'm the first to get to the door with my hands full with a box and 2 bags, I'm able to knock and he unlocks the deadbolt without opening the door, this really pissed me off. I open the door for all of us and set the box and bags down. I then ask him what happened and he just shrugged and said, "Oh, my phone was on silent, sorry."
This is the second time he's pulled this exact same BS. Last time, I gave him a sarcastic response about it, like "How convenient that you couldn't hear the phone glued to your hand" when he gave us the same lame excuse.
But this time, I was fed up. I was tired from carrying everything, and I was annoyed for Anna and Lara, who just accept this from him. I looked at him and said, "Seriously, Randall? What kind of man sits on his ass while his sister and everyone else carries his responsibilities for him?"
Randall didn't say anything and just left the room. Lara immediately shot me a death glare. After we left the apartment and were back in the car, she laid into me. She said I out of line, that it wasn't my place to talk to her brother like that, and that my comment was toxic and emasculating.
We argued the whole way home. I told her that she and her family coddle him too much and that he's never going to learn if no one holds him accountable. When we got home and we'd both cooled down a bit, I explained my side more calmly.
I said that what he did was deeply disrespectful, to her, Anna who houses him, and to me. He knew we would end up doing the work if he ignored his phone, and he made that choice because he's lazy and there are never any consequences.
Lara was able to see my point of view in this one. At least that's what she tells me. I started thinking though, AITA here? Was I an AH for saying what I said, or was it a justified call-out for his disrespectful behavior?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Had it been me, Randall's take out would have been left sitting in the car. And sitting. And sitting. And sitting.
He's so coddled he didn't even bother to open the door? Wow. It would be the last time I did him a favour. well done for telling him off NTA.
Coddled and enabled by the family around him. I'd be more worried about the Girlfriend's inability to correct the brothers behavior. I imagine she will treat her own future children this way. Raising kids is hard enough without your partner undermining you.
“What kind of man” = harsh delivery, valid message. You said what everyone else was thinking.
NTA, so, he could use his phone to get take out, but not to help you all with the grocery haul? I think you were far to kind honestly, and if that comment was emasculating, well maybe he should act as a decent human being.
I don’t think you’re wrong for calling out his behaviour. I would also be frustrated to have to deal with someone like Randall. Where you might be toeing the line a bit is with the “what kind of man…” statement. It’s not great that you seem to be gendering basic human decency.
Someone who failed to contribute to their own home and (probably) lied about not hearing their phone is behaving badly regardless of their gender. Really, the question should be “what kind of grown ass adult is so lazy that they unlock but don’t open a door to let in the person carrying THEIR groceries?!”
NTA. He knew exactly what he was doing, and people like him need to be called out by people who have a penis for them to even hear it.
NTA. I know folks are calling you out on using the word 'man' instead of 'person,' 'adult,' or 'brother'. I do take their point, but I also feel like that is much less the issue than Randall's self-serving, lazy, manipulations of all three of you.
I don't know if you'll slowly persuade (first) your gf's and (then) Anna to hold Randall more accountable. If not, at a minimum, you and Lara need to get on the same page about limits to you catering to Randall or any limits to resources shared by you and Lara being used to baby Randall.
But you have to accept that the sisters have the right to let him abuse their kindness, as long as that doesn't force you into doing the same. I also don't know how often the grocery maneuver will come up again in your presence or what other maneuvers Randall pulls.
For this particular move of Randall's, I wonder if you want to consider withholding his payoff until he puts some effort in. E.g., "Randall, you can come with us to the store." or "We can get take-out together after you help bring up the groceries." or just leaving his take-out and a few bags of groceries in the car for him to go down and get.