'AITA for asking all the guests to leave after my brother and SIL's pregnancy announcement?' UPDATED
"AITA for asking all the guests to leave after my brother and SIL's pregnancy announcement."
My (28M) and my wife "Anna" (28F) were expecting, she was almost 3 months, we were really excited, we bought everything a baby needed, and talked a lot about our future with the baby. August 23rd, 2022, my wife woke me up in tears, she tossed her blanket off from her legs to show me a big patch of blood near her crotch, staining the sheets.
We had a really hard time accepting the fact, but Anna was much more affected, she would cry in our bed for at least 4 hours every day, she wouldn't eat, and she would say awful things about herself and her "useless body."
I had tried to console her to the best of my abilities but I was grief-stricken myself and couldn't say the right words to her. It took 4 months of therapy for us to gradually start feeling better, Anna was smiling more, she was still a little on edge, but she was doing good.
January 14th was Anna's birthday and I wanted to make it really special for her, I invited our friends and family and cooked her favorite foods, I just wanted this day to be happy for her.
For context, our families know about the situation and the effect it had on Anna, especially my brother and SIL, as we had stayed in their house for a bit. While everyone was eating the food my brother and SIL got up and told everyone that SIL was pregnant.
After 4 seconds of silence, everyone in the room started congratulating them. I was stunned and turned to my wife having an emotionless expression until she smiled slowly and congratulated them, and hugged them both. For a good 20 minutes, everyone couldn't stop talking about pregnancy, baby names, and new baby toys.
They could have easily announced this at their 5-year anniversary party which was just 2 weeks away, what was the point of announcing it on my wife's birthday? I noticed my wife get up and leave to go to our bedroom, I found her crying. She told me she doesn't want to go out now, that she doesn't want to face them.
I understood and quickly headed to the table, where everyone was done eating, talking as if they hadn't noticed we'd left, I didn't want to make a big scene so I told everyone kindly, that me and Anna had some plans for the evening and that we would have to cut this party short (that was the only thing that came to mind at that moment).
SIL comes walking towards me and starts yelling at me saying that I'm doing this because of her announcement, I tried telling her as calmly as possible that it wasn't like that and this was supposed to be Anna's birthday party, not some pregnancy announcement party.
I said my goodbyes, then two hours later, I get a message from my brother saying I was selfish and that I "shouldn't be jealous just because we won't be as careless as the two of you" careless as in implying that we had somehow caused the miscarriage even though we were incredibly careful. I'm beyond frustrated. Do you think IATA because of how I handled the situation?
The commenters did not hold back one bit.
mmiggs wrote:
NTA. Announcing your pregnancy at someone else's party is incredibly selfish. Doing so at the party of someone who has recently miscarried is beyond evil. And as for your brother's "carelessness" comment, I think that's a clear case of "fighting words".
UsuallyWrite2 wrote:
You’re “beyond frustrated”? That’s it? I’d be enraged. Hell, I AM enraged on your behalf and i don’t know you!
I’m not sure why you’re tiptoeing with these assholes.
NTA and I’d be laying into them. On what planet was that appropriate? Even if you guys hadn’t lost a pregnancy, it’s rude to make someone else’s party about you. Just like you don’t announce an engagement at someone’s wedding. And his later remark about being careful? What the actual f#$%? If one of my brothers pulled a stunt like that, they’d get an earful from me whether it was my party or not.
ferly016 wrote:
Hey OP, pls send this message to your brother and SIL. “ I am not jealous, I’m disgusted, I’m disgusted you chose to make my wife’s birthday about your pregnancy during such a horrible time in our life’s.
Your disregard for her feelings are evident, especially when you could’ve chosen to announce this at your 5 year anniversary- a day that was about you and not my wife. Furthermore your insinuation that the miscarriage was in anyway our fault because we were “ careless” is truly horrific.
1 in 4 women miscarry, it’s tragically common. While I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, I worry for my nephew/ niece who is inevitably going to grow up with callous, selfish, derogatory AHS.” NTA.
oaksandpines1776 wrote:
NTA in the least. Someone else’s birthday, who had a recent miscarriage, and should have been giving birth soon, is not the place to announce a pregnancy announcement. They knew what she went through. They knew how it affected her. They had to steal her birthday to announce instead of their own frickin party in 2 weeks!! How callous can you be?!? I’d go NC with them.
The next day, OP shared an update.
Hi everyone!
Firstly I want to thank everyone for their condolences and wishes, it means a lot to me.
As I couldn't fit a lot of the details in the 3000-character limit, I want to write all the answers to the questions and inquiries you guys have in this comment.
Why I didn't confront my brother and SIL?
I was fed up with them and wanted them out of the house so that I could comfortably console Anna and do another activity with her (we played some Minecraft and watched harry potter). I was angry but I really didn't want to add more fuel to the fire, I just ignored most of what they were saying and showed them out the door so that I could handle them/talk to them after her birthday.
2. Why would my brother and SIL try to sabotage her birthday?
I have no idea. I wouldn't say we were on bad terms with them, but we weren't close, we (and other relatives) stayed at their house for a week, because they had invited us for the holidays.
There was a bit of attention to Anna and me but it was minimal, only condolences, and I can't grasp how they could be jealous of the condolences we received for our miscarriage, how can that be something to be jealous of, unless they really love attention?
Anna has said that she's only been nice to SIL and they hadn't had any type of argument.
3. Why didn't the other guests intervene?
Again, I have no idea, no one tried to redirect the conversation, and honestly, every time I tried to, it would be glossed over and then turned into something baby-related again, maybe everyone was excited or just nervous to change the topic.
4. Why did I post this on AITA if I was "clearly" not TA.
I had been unsure whether it was rash of me to abruptly end the party or to not give much importance to their pregnancy announcement, but now I am. My brother is very different from me, and we have had disagreements, but they weren't fights, only opposite opinions shared. I don't understand why he intended to hurt us that way.
I guess an update would be that I've finally replied to my brother's message with a statement posted in the comments (which I'm very thankful for) with a few of my personal inputs in it, and he only replied with a laughing emoji.
People were wondering whether Anna saw the message he sent or not, she did see it, and she was as heartbroken as I was. We had tried every precaution, we did everything we could think of, and getting blamed for losing our child by my own brother was like a knife to the heart.
We talked about it and we have decided to have no contact with my brother and SIL until they apologize sincerely and even then I really don't think I'd even want to sit at the same table as them again. I have sent a screenshot of his message to my parents and they are disgusted by my brother's behavior but don't want to confront him since SIL is pregnant. IDK.
Some people are saying that it's already been 5 months, and we could just move on, but you don't understand how excited we were, and you don't understand how traumatizing that night was, even now during her period she gets a lot of anxiety about it because it reminds her of that night.
We are continuing therapy, it is helping and we are doing well! I will update if there are any. Thank you so much for your love and support.
The comments kept coming in.
Dont139 wrote:
The way I felt when I read "we won't be as careless"...I put my fists up like "Okay bud, let's punch some respect into you." And I don't even know the guy. The fact their parents won't rock the boat is beyond me honestly. What he said is so evil. It's like staying neutral when told the abominations the nazis did. If you don't condemn them, you condone them.
DuckDuckBangBang wrote:
I had two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy before my daughter. If someone did this on my birthday, I'd have thrown hands. If they'd implied I caused it, we'd never be speaking again.
Donkeh101 wrote:
Disgusting. The whole family. They couldn’t keep their story to themselves and then the brother just had to have an obnoxious dig :( I also didn’t read “frustrated” like that commenter said.
I read it as a man who had a house full of guests, in shock and devastated, wife in the bedroom in the same state, and he was frustrated about what to do with his family. This is very sad. It’s been two years so I am hoping that they have a little one. Or two.
_nastylittleman_ wrote:
They called OP and his wife careless for having a miscarriage???? What the f#$k that's like. cartoonishly evil.