'AITA for asking my husband to take 2 hours out of his friend’s wedding day to celebrate our anniversary?'
"AITA for asking my husband to take 2 hours out of his friend’s wedding day to celebrate our anniversary?"
Bobrossburlesque
DH and I are in our mid 30s, married 5 years. For a bunch of sad reasons, including covid, family illnesses, and my husband being just kind of immature, my experience of our wedding, engagement and honeymoon were really bad.
I had been upset for a while, and DH and I had talked about doing a vow renewal just the two of us and taking a second honeymoon on our 5th anniversary. DH’s friend asked him to be in his wedding, on the same day as our anniversary, last spring.
DH and I couldn’t communicate well about it, and he felt anxious and insecure, so we agreed to go even though it REALLY REALLY hurt my feelings to move our trip. We are taking a nice vacation, but we aren’t doing the vow renewal I wanted. I’ve been pretty depressed and upset about it.
DH noticed I was upset, and told me he would plan a little brunch for us on our anniversary. DH’s friend is getting married on a resort, and the wedding doesn’t start until evening, so we figured there would be no problem.
DH called his friend to explain the situation, and ask to be put in touch with their contact at the property to arrange something private for us at our expense for the morning.
We don’t want to make a scene or anything, we just want to take a moment for ourselves, given it’s a special day for us too. DH’s friend said no. He got really defensive and basically asked my husband why he would even think to make such a request.
It seems to be that he wants everyone to be together, apparently including me even though I did not agree to be in his wedding, all day. He wants to do some kind of hike or exercise I guess in the morning, but I’m really unclear. His response to my read was really negative, but I’m getting it second hand.
So my question - AITA for setting up my anniversary brunch anyway, or leaving the property to do something to celebrate my anniversary during the day? We never should have agreed to this, and DH agrees we aren’t communicating well.
But at this point, I feel like the groom is being an AH by not giving us even a little bit of flexibility/ time to ourselves after I sacrificed my celebration for him. So AITA for doing it anyway? Also WIBTA if I told others at the wedding he said no to our request?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
CrewelSummer
The issue here is your husband. He is the reason you feel the "need" to redo your first ceremony. He is the one who failed to communicate wrt this wedding. It's really not uncommon or out of line for the wedding party to be an all-day engagement/commitment.
It often is. That just needs to be communicated up front. But it's not the groom's responsibility to change HIS wedding, which presumably he is taking more seriously than your husband did so as to not piss of his bride, to allow your husband to make up for his many failures. That's on your husband.
AlbanyBarbiedoll
ESH. You have a husband problem, and you need to deal with that directly instead of expecting someone else to change their wedding day-of schedule to accommodate your marriage issues.
If you went around talking badly about the groom it at the wedding, you WOULD be an AH, and frankly I don't think people would have much sympathy for you. Not the groom's fault you married an immature man at such a big age and didn't get it right the first time. Keep your marriage drama away from other weddings.
Ok_Reach_6527
ESH. You don't need a vow renewal, you need couple's therapy. Having one happy day/vacation isn't going to make your day to day life better. If communication is really that hard for the two of you, you're going to have issues while on vacation, too.
It isn't out of the ordinary for members of the wedding party to spend the day before and of the wedding running errands and helping with setting up and last minute issues. The purpose of the wedding party isn't just to stand at the front and in pictures looking nice.
It is to help and support the couple and make sure the wedding runs smoothly. That being said, the groom could have been more understanding about it being your anniversary and wanting two hours to be together outside the wedding circus.
hannahkelli
ESH. This wedding situation is not the problem. Your marriage is the problem and you and your husband both have to stop putting band aids on it, hoping it'll stop the hemorrhage. The groom has every right to want his wedding party committed to his wedding all day - which is why your husband should not have agreed to be in the wedding party if he was serious about sticking to the plans for your 5 year anniversary.
Or he could have planned something special for the night before the wedding, or before you leave for the wedding, or SOMETHING. You need to stop biting down your feelings and hoping that eventually your husband will notice and find a magic bullet to fix things. Be adults, both of you, and do the work to fix your marriage or end it.
EnderBurger
YTA if you move forward on this unilaterally. You and your husband both need to be on the same page with your breakfast/brunch plans. And then your boyfriend, as a member of the wedding party and as the friend of the groom, needs to communicate those plans to the groom and let the groom know the two of you will not be available for morning activities.
If you move unilaterally at this, or if your husband fails to communicate to the groom, then you will almost certainly create drama on another person's wedding day, and you could also find yourself eating your anniversary brunch alone.