Financial strain from in-laws makes woman rethink plans for children with husband. AITA?
"AITA for asking my husband to stop funding his side of the family?"
blk_thndr
I need to know if I am TAH. This is long and I apologize in advance. But thank you for reading. 🤎 My husband (30M) and I (30F) have been married since 2021, dated since 2019. He is a very sweet man and always ready to help.
He is the middle child of two other brothers (32 & 25). My husband and I have worked very hard to get what we have and be where we are today. His father passed away earlier this year and we paid for funeral services without asking for or expecting anything in return.
His older brother has a part time job that does not have reliable or consistent hours. He works for a friend getting paid cash under the table. He sometimes doesn’t work for weeks at a time, but may one work one or two days at a time.
His younger brother is recovering from a drug addiction and has been clean for about 6 months. He got into a bad car wreck about a year ago and uses this as an excuse for everything.
Neither will find steady work and have been without a paycheck for about two months now. When we mentioned a local job listing, they acted like the job was below them (although they aren’t working).
Here’s the problem. They both are living with my husband’s mom but neither of them are working. My MIL is on a set income of about 1200-1300$/month and she struggles sometimes, even with both sons in the house.
No food in the house, no propane to heat it. They all have bad spending habits (alcohol, tobacco, lotto, marijuana, not good at budgeting) and my husband has changed 180 his spending habits and budgeting since we have gotten together.
After we visited for thanksgiving we had a serious talk about helping them monetarily. I told my husband that I can’t see myself having children with him while he is continuing to fund his old family and not supporting the future of our future family.
The argument got a little heated and I feel bad because they do struggle and I would hate to be the reason they go hungry or are struggling more than need be. I looked at bank statements, and in total his family has received over 5000$ and offered to pay back 0 this year alone.
I told him I don’t mind helping his mom when she needs it, but she never puts her foot down when it comes to giving the money to the other two mooching sons who refuse to get a steady job, and they keep asking for more and more money. (300$ thanksgiving weekend alone).
They are able bodied men who can but won’t find a job. Am I the AH for asking him to basically cut off the donations to his side of the family to focus on our future family’s needs?
Edit: the $5000 is just money sent via cash app and Zelle that appear in bank statements, that doesn’t include the funeral costs paid, groceries bought, bills paid, or cash given in person.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
One-Childhood432
You are going to have to decide what you are going to do. There is no way I would be giving grown ass men money to party. Consider dividing your money into 4 different pots. Household bills, savings and personal for each of you. Hubby can only lend/give them his personal money without your joint approval.
I am not saying don't help Mom, but I would cut the brothers off. Your hubby is going to have to grow a backbone and stop enabling them and you may need to help with that by being the source of his strength to do that. Stand strong. Good luck.
blk_thndr (OP)
I’m all for helping mom out. But the other two run all over her. Take advantage of her. Basically took over the house and just moved back in without telling her. So if we send money for her to get groceries for example.
Enough money for one person to eat for a week will only last two days because they eat all the food. Plus the have their kids come over on the weekends, so that’s an additional expense. Because now we have to make sure our nieces aren’t starving too.
lifevisions
NTA…In fact you are correct in your sentiments—your husband helping his family will impact your family’s future. I believe you are wise for not having children. There will continue to be an expectation for handouts and support.
If it was I , I would get marriage counseling so as to explore this large issue. I have doubts your husband would honor the financial boundaries you may set. Good luck OP.
Majestic_Bit_4784
I get where you’re coming from, the money your husband is giving them isn’t for bills, food, etc it’s for rubbish. Whilst your husband is giving the money over, his brothers are not going to get a job and support their mum, he’s making it too easy for them to sit around and not do anything.
I personally would open another two bank accounts up, so your husband has his account, you have yours and maybe a joint one for bills, that way he isn’t sending over money you have earned.
Similar-Cookie1612
If you have joint finances this us a bigger issue. He should not use your money to fund their lifestyles. If finances are separate and he can manage to fund his BS is what you want as a couple and fund them, let him. However, make sure he knows you will not be covering for him in any way, ,shape or form, now or any time in the future.
The money he is giving out could go a long way towards your futures-housing, children, vacations, retirement, etc. Is this how you want to live your life? Funding other people's lives instead if your own?
maddaeq
NTA - you two are not their parents, they are GROWN men, ENTIRELY capable of taking care of themselves. Tobacco, alcohol, weed, etc are not essentials. Hell even if you were made of money you shouldn't be expected to cover such expenses.
I understand if they were in a tough spot for a little while, helping them out for a few months while they stabilize. At this point they are just leeching off you, taking advantage of your resources and kindness, "give a man a finger and he'll take your whole hand"
Entirely agreed with what you said to your husband about wanting to focus more on building your new family - though i guess how that was communicated would have an impact. you don't want to sound like you are trying to "bin off" his current family.
But he has to understand that you two cannot be solely responsible for two grown men who refuse to help themselves. They made their bed, now they gotta lay in it. Your main purpose in life should not be supporting people who are "too good" to support themselves, I believe you and your husband have been brought together for things greater than that.
Communicate this with them & MIL in a "we want what's best for you all and to make the best of each of our lives" way, more than the "you are money-leeching inconveniences" perspective though.