'AITA for asking my MIL not to refer to herself as 'mum' to my daughter and for how I handled the fallout?'

"AITA for asking my MIL not to refer to herself as 'mum' to my daughter and for how I handled the fallout?"

For context, my daughter was 5 months old during her first Christmas. My husband and I hosted his parents & sister (my in-laws) at our home for the day. Everything was going well until, during Christmas dinner, my MIL referred to herself as “mum” when talking to my daughter.

No one said anything at the time, but it rubbed me the wrong way. I didn’t want to cause a scene, so I waited until after I’d put my daughter down for a nap to speak to my MIL privately.

I calmly told her that what she said was inappropriate and that I would appreciate an apology. She pretended not to know what I was talking about, lied to me, then gave a very passive-aggressive, “Well, I guess I’m sorry then.” I thanked her (even though it was clearly not sincere) and asked for five minutes to calm down so we could move on with the day.

Instead, she went into the bathroom, then came out storming around the house shouting and swearing at me, stepping towards me and putting her finger in my face, waking up my FIL and yelling that they were leaving.

She also shouted that she did nothing wrong calling herself mum to my daughter bc she was a “proud f****** mother”. She accused me of being “too protective” and said that when I have a second child, I “won’t care about them.” (For context me and my husband are both the youngest in the family, so she said this in front of her son, the second child.)

I tried to de-escalate the situation, even tried to have a calm conversation, but she rolled her eyes, scoffed, and mocked me. I only raised my voice to say “don’t you dare swear at me” and to call out how rude and immature she was being when she was rolling her eyes and throwing her hands around while her back was turned to me mid-conversation.

No one in the family seemed to acknowledge how inappropriate her behavior was. My SIL said she didn’t think there was anything wrong with MIL calling herself “mum,” to my daughter when I asked and my FIL said he didn’t understand how it had escalated - despite his wife shouting through the house. I even let her hold my daughter again later that evening to try to end things peacefully.

That was almost three years ago. When it came up between my husband and my MIL recently she stated that she had absolutely nothing to apologise for. I’ve never received an apology from anyone, and I was told that my SIL is still “haunted” by my actions that day. So—AITA for addressing the “mum” comment, asking for an apology, and how I handled everything that followed?

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the familial dynamic.

Fast-Advance-9083 wrote:

She is 100% TA and you should bar this ab#$er from seeing your children. Period. I know firsthand how bad this type of abuse can be, and how confusing because of the subtleties, and I regret so much that I second guessed myself and let it go on for years.

Do not accept lies! She is not your child's mother! Don't fall into her side bullshit. Don't accept fake apologies. State clearly that you are your childrens' mother, that she has no right to ever tell the children that she is their mum, and if she has a problem with that then she isn't allowed to see the kids. Obviously, just imo, and based on the information you have given so take it for what it is.

extinct_diplodocus wrote:

NTA. Your child has only one mother: you. MIL is not mum; she's grandmum. She should not be confusing your child. When faced with this, she carried on like a crazy woman. Personally, I think you went too far trying to placate her. She crossed a very reasonable boundary and there should have been consequences.

She should have been given a time out until she can and will do better.

You did have a tactical error, though. You should have talked to your husband and let him handle his own mother. Maybe she wouldn't have gone quite so crazy.

pleasenotnowthanks wrote:

Not at all, she raised her voice because I’m sure no one has ever called her out on her BS! I would take it one step more diabolical and tell her “if this is how you treat me in my own home, I’m concerned about letting you be around my children without me present.”

Not sure if she ever asks to watch your child but I would draw the boundary and basically say that it scared you the way she acted and it will take a while for you to rebuild the trust. Let her work for your love!!

lastdepressionblender wrote:

NTA. From this post and from you post history you have a husband problem. A husband who enables this type of entitled and disrespectful behavior to the mother of his child is actually concerning and disgusting.

You should have a heart to heart talk with your husband and tell him that if his doormat behavior continues you’ll will go NC with his side of the family for your own and your child’s mental and even physical well-being.

Never have I ever had people come to my face that aggressively and had good intentions, nor have I continued any kind of relationship after that because it’s straight up saying ‘yeah walk all over me like I’m no one’. To add my paternal side of the family pulled similar passive aggressive remarks to my mother duration of their relationship.

He never once stood up for my mother and he even forced us to have a relationship with them because ’family is family’ until i was 13. And even after my mother went NC with them i was 10-11. This immensely impacted my and my sisters relationship with my father and of course my mother.

They got divorced after 26 years of marriage because of some other issues as well but mostly it was my father’s incompetence and lack of support and protection he had towards us when his family was being toxic. I haven’t talked with his side of family over a decade now even tho they tried to get my number and harass me from unknown and fake numbers and accounts.

If your husband cannot grow up a spine this will unfortunately one of the likely sceneries that you and your child will face. He needs to stand up for his family, which is you and your child. Sorry that you are dealing with this kind of a treatment for so long OP.

DriftingLily9 wrote:

100% NTA. MIL on the other hand couldn't be more TAH if she tried. There was absolutely nothing wrong with how you handled that situation. You calmly told her you didn't want her to do that and she reacted by throwing a temper tantrum.

She's a grown woman, and went around the house yelling and screaming, rolling her eyes, throwing her hands about like a child because you wouldn't let her refer to herself as mum. The SIL being "haunted" by your actions, which there are none to speak of, is just as much a problem as her mother. That apple didn't fall far at all.

She should be haunted by the fact that her mother is a DARVO queen and likes to gaslight and manipulate people The only thing you went too far and doing is trying to calm her down. Had it been me, I would have kicked her out when she started yelling and swearing at me in my house and her little minions coulda went right along with her.