"AITA for asking my mother not to eat at my wedding?"
I planned a small wedding with about 80 close friends and family with the ceremony in the morning and the reception in the afternoon with scones and punch. I let the guests know the meal situation in case they wanted to just come to the ceremony and not the reception.
My husband and I just graduated college and he got a job out of state, so we only had a few months to plan. It wasn't the best plan, but I couldn't afford anything else since I didn't have financial help from either of our parents at the start.
A few months into planning, my mom asked about having lunch in the church basement with a few of her close friends that would be at the wedding. I was under the impression it was just two families so I agreed. Later, I asked if the lunch was just for her friends so I could figure out how I needed to feed my bridal party, but I guess my mom got the impression I specifically wanted to eat with them.
A couple weeks before the wedding, I found out that between my family, my husband's parents, and my mom's friends; my mom had invited 59 people to her lunch in the basement of the church.
This number specifically only excluded my husband's extended family and my college friends. I was shocked, but didn't know what to say until my mother-in-law offered to find a caterer to combine with my mom's efforts to feed everyone.
I told my mom that I wanted her to work with my mother-in-law to feed everyone in the church basement or take her lunch to a park near the church so that every guest had to leave and come back.
I figured this was the best option I could give my mom because I didn't like the idea of only 21 people having to leave while everyone else stayed. It wasn't just my wedding; it was my husband's too so it wouldn't be fair to exclude his family. My mom told me I was breaking a commitment.
She had already made the food and told me that she wasn't sure my parent's could come to the reception. She planned on dropping off the cold food and having the caterer and my mother-in-law "figure it out." After finding out that I made the ultimatum not my mother-in-law like my mom thought, my mom spoke to my in-laws on the phone.
Whatever they said was magic because she called me to say that she appreciated that they "actually listened" and made her feel better about combining efforts. But my mom's idea of working it out was that her small group of friends and family would eat in a separate room while the rest of the guests ate in the reception area.
This meant that I was cut off from some of my friends and family if I stayed in the main room. My mom did not say one nice thing to me at the wedding. The only time I heard her speak to me was when she was leaving the room I was in as the men were walking past.
I asked her not to leave yet so they wouldn't see me. After, she sighed and said, "Can I go now?" and slammed the door. I haven't really spoken to her since because we moved out of state.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
1962Michael said:
ESH. If you can't afford a meal for your guests, then you should have had the ceremony and reception at a time when a meal wouldn't be needed. Such as "ceremony at 2 pm, tea reception at 3pm." You put your guests in a bad spot, and your mother tried to fill the gap.
It seems like your mother was willing to spend a lot of time, money and effort to feed your guests, but not in a coordinated way. So it's pretty obvious that you and your mother had a big disagreement about the wedding particulars.
SnooSprouts6437 said:
ESH except your family-in-law. You actually expected your guests to leave and come back after they eat? And your mother is the AH for making it bigger than she made it seem like it was going to be. Have a smaller wedding.
Invite only close family and have a small supper after. I think it's rude to expect your guests to feed themselves. Sounds like you could have gotten together with your mom and MIL and planned a small lunch and they would have provided a simple meal.
SoccerProblem3547 said:
YTA. You are having a wedding without food. You literally are not feeding anyone but you are upset mom is feeding some of them. At least she is feeding some of them . She is doing my so so much more than you. You shouldn’t have a wedding if you can’t feed the people who take time out of their day to come.
JullabyBye said:
ESH. You didn't have the money to have a wedding so you shouldn't have organised one, easy. If for some reason you HAD TO get married, then you just do a quick one to have the papers and keep in mind to have a proper one at church if you so wish as some other point in time.
Also it was ridiculous to "solve" the problem by getting married in the morning and then having a reception in the afternoon. At the very least, you should have gotten married at 10am or 2pm and got snacks at 11am or 3pm. So that people will not be hostage for the whole day, they can then go back to wherever they came from and have their lunch/dinner.
Your mother's plans were incredibly ridiculous. While generous to provide food, she was fine with leaving out your husband's side of things. Wild. But you were even worse in not actively organizing your wedding...
You say you were too far to coordinate your mum and your MIL (who seems to be the only normal person here) but phones, zoom calls, text groups, etc, exist. This was your and your husband's wedding to organize and you failed.
procrastinating_b said:
A bit lost here but I think: YTA for having a wedding without food. Your mum’s the ahole for making up her own guest list for some reason.
mochi7227 said:
YTA. If you can’t afford to feed people immediately after the ceremony, you should not invite them. Maybe limit your guest list to 10 people.