'AITA for asking my best friend to stop texting my daughter?' UPDATED

"AITA for asking my best friend to stop texting my daughter?"

I (29f) have been friends with Helen (27f) since we were in our early teens. She is child free and I have a 10 year old daughter who I’ll call Riley. Helen has always been so supportive and helpful as I have juggled being a young mom and has been there for both of us since pregnancy. She frequently takes Riley out on days where I’m busy with work and Riley absolutely adores her.

So the problem started a few months ago, Riley got her first phone for her birthday and naturally I gave her Helen’s number. This was mainly for incase she got into trouble and couldn’t get hold of me or for emergencies. As I am a single mom, I felt at the time this was a sensible move for Riley’s safety.

Anyway, about a week later, Helen asked if she could take Riley out for the day to celebrate her birthday, I said yes and she let me know the time she’d come pick her up. I was working that day so Riley would be home by herself for about an hour before Helen picked her up.

But just before I was out the door, Riley told me that Helen messaged her saying; “hey Riley! I’m sorry I’m going to be running late, I slept in, I’ll be there in a couple hours”. I thought it was really strange that she messaged Riley instead of me, especially since she knew that Riley would be home alone.

I called her, telling her that I was so sorry but we’re going to have to reschedule since I wasn’t comfortable leaving Riley for that long by herself and took her to my parents house instead. She started messaging her more frequently after that, at first nothing strange, just stuff like “what are you working on at school?”

“I miss you!”, “are you excited to go to the mall with me today?” The sort of things they’d usually chat about. But then it started getting a bit odd. Helen started messaging Riley every day, more than she messaged me.

I spoke to her gently saying that whilst I think it’s so cute that they’re able to chat more often and Riley loves being able to message her, I try to limit Riley’s screen time and I was starting to notice that she’d be messaging her instead of getting her homework done or getting ready for bed.

I asked if she could maybe limit the chats to the weekend or holidays, so she wasn’t glued to the screen late on a school night and fighting me when I tried to take the phone away. Helen was very apologetic and agreed to it but then the texts started getting strange. Here is a conversation I saw between them:

Riley: sorry auntie Helen, mom said I have to give her my phone on school nights now. But I will talk to you on Saturday! Miss you xxx

Helen: your mum can be such a pain, miss you too sweet girl! Xxx

Riley: I know it’s Annoying xxx

Helen: You could hide your phone under your pillow? Xxx

Riley: Mom would be mad if she found it. I don’t want her to take my phone away xxx

Helen: I’ll talk to her xxx.

She didn’t talk to me about this. I was very upset to find my best friend was talking to my daughter like this, bluntly calling her mom a pain when I explained to her why I was asking this of her, and just undermining my parenting TO MY DAUGHTER!

I brought it up to Helen and she told me it was just a bit of gossip and that I shouldn’t be so uptight. She was only trying to bond with her. I told Helen that I’m going to change Riley’s number as I think it’s best they only chat in person, as I really don’t approve of the amount of time Riley spends on the phone now, messaging Helen.

I said it in a way that didn’t accuse Helen of anything but was firm in my boundary. Since then, Riley has called me all the names under the sun and doesn’t want to talk to me. Helen has also been distant, I’m sure she’s worked out why I was no longer happy about the texting.

Now I think I overreacted and should have spoken to Helen again or set stricter screen time limits with Riley.

I feel like nobody understands. was I wrong for this, or was the texting getting a bit out of hand?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

get_to_ele wrote:

Extremely creepy. Helen would be absolutely cut off immediately. Helen is a regressed needy person who has allowed herself to drift into an unhealthy friendship with your daughter that doesn’t include normal adult boundaries.

She is sharing emotional intimacy with your 10-year-old, keeping secrets, casually trivializing your set boundaries and deliberately undermining your authority to do what? share “pillow text”? Wtf would your 10-year-old need to text that woman at night? That’s Helen’s emotional needs, she’s lonely and wants to text her.

“Miss you sweet girl xxx”??

That’s lowkey grooming behavior. Not accusing Helen of being a predator, but this is emotionally manipulative and fulfilling Helen’s needs.

It could only end badly for your daughter (most likely when Helen finds an adult or somebody else to fill her loneliness & depression and drops your daughter who will have built a deep emotional attachment). Or worst case scenario, if Helen is a potential predator, decision would be same.

OP responded:

I have actually started to question her intentions as well, it’s hard since we’ve been so close for so long. But she has other friends and a job so I just can’t understand why she wants to message a 10-year-old all hours of the day, it’s just a bit weird and out of character. 😬

universalrefuse wrote:

NTA - No, your friend was getting weird. Excessive kisses, undermining you, telling your daughter to hide things from you….uh big waving red flags here.

OP responded:

I agree with you but I will just note, the kisses are just a thing they’ve always done, Helen’s like an aunt to Riley. It was never a creepy thing but I understand the concern 😅

fearless-speech-1131 wrote:

So her "child free" lifestyle only includes pregnancy and actual babies. Children who can be influenced and exploited by her toxicity? Those are just fine. Here is what this woman is capable of:

Giving your kid advice about bodily functions for girls, boys, s*x, and abortion.

Encouraging her to keep serious issues from your knowledge

She can go as far as posing as the mother in situations where a parent is needed, all this without your knowledge.

She has already planted the seed about how you're a bad / unfair / uncool / non fun mom. She'll do more and this is proven by the fact that instead of respecting your rules, she has also turned into a 10yr old and sulking because she was told "No."

SIDE NOTE. Your 10yr old child is calling you all sorts of names because she's upset with you? Is this your dynamic with her? That alone should warrant taking away the entire phone until a change of attitude is achieved. I don't get this parenting style.

OP responded:

I did take the phone away, sorry that wasn’t clear. I took the phone away and whilst I did, I changed the number.

Different-Airline672 wrote:

NTA, but did you explain to your daughter why you did it, that Helen's behaviour was out of line?

OP responded:

Yes, I made it very clear that Riley wasn’t Helen’s friend, Helen is my friend. And it’s not okay to talk to grown ups like that and Helen shouldn’t have spoken to her like that either.

Mmm_hummus wrote:

NTA. "> Helen: your mum can be such a pain, miss you too sweet girl! Xxx Riley: I know it’s Annoying xxx Helen: you could hide your phone under your pillow? Xxx"

If this were a man, you'd be calling the police. Your alarm bells are going off because it's grooming language.

This grown woman needs professional help to unpack why she latching onto a relationship with someone else's child. Your daughter will get over it. Perhaps look for play dates she can have with other kids.

Parsnip410 wrote:

NTA. The "Could you hide your phone under your pillow ??" is genuinely creepy. An adult who pushes a child to lie to their parents never EVER has good intentions.

After lots of feedback, OP shared an update:

I’ve decided to cut Helen off. I’ve spoken to my other friends and listened to the comments. I think Helen has some unresolved issues, and I won’t allow my child to suffer whilst she attempts to heal through her.

I apologize for not taking these comments seriously at first. It just breaks my heart to have to move on from a person who once meant so much to me. I may try and contact her in the future when she has had some time to heal but won’t be involving Riley for a very long time. When Riley is home from school I am going to talk to her so she understands. Thank you everyone.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

wunda_uk wrote:

OO you just saved your daughter. Please reconsider giving her a phone until 13/14. I work in IT, safety is one of my areas of responsibility, there is nothing good that comes from giving a 10-year-old internet access in the palm of their hands with no monitoring in place.

DawnCB20 wrote:

I’m surprised it took this long to find a comment suggesting this. A phone at that age is unnecessary. Just bc peers have one isn’t a good enough reason. Everything changes when a kid gets a phone and that kind of access.

Ivedungoofedup wrote:

Kids should grow up with a Nokia 3310. Indestructible and no internet. Need to call someone? Here's a list of contacts, pick one from there. You only need to charge it once a week, and it has Snake. That's my boomer take, despite not being a boomer.

GracefulManatea wrote:

SO GOOD to read. It may feel like an overreaction, but as soon as she tried to put a wedge between you and your daughter, she was no longer safe. Good luck to you!