'AITA for asking my BF of three years how much money he makes?' UPDATED

"AITA for asking my boyfriend of three years how much does he make?"

Also, if you’re reading this, Hii charlotte, I love your videos!! Congratulations on the engagement, wishing you the best!! Anyways, let me start off the story. I, 29F have a boyfriend, 31M I met from a mutual friend, 28M.

And as stated in the title, me and BF have been dating for 3 years, and in those 3 years of the relationship I’ve been paying for most things. And now, it’s not like I’m living pay check by pay check but I’m not rich either, I’m upper middle class and a few promotions away from being comfortably rich to give you an idea.

I’ve been paying for 90% things in the relationship, from gas to monthly road trips “with the boys”. My boyfriend, P has never offered to pay for anything unless I beg him to. I mean literally sit him down, explain the budget, breakdown expenses, and remind him that I too, like to not be broke every Friday. Even then, he either “forgets” his card or suddenly remembers his car payment is due. Every. Single. Time.

I didn’t wanna be the naggy girlfriend, so I let a lot of things slide. Told myself, “he’ll grow into it” or “maybe I just make more so it’s okay.” But three years later and I’m looking at the same man I met at that BBQ like... how can he afford a Xbox, PlayStation, gamer stuff but not a 45 dollar McDonald’s bill...

It’s gotten to the point where even our mutual friend—the one who introduced us—has quietly asked if I’m, you know, good. I said yes, of course. Because how do you explain to someone that your grown ass boyfriend still treats you like an all-inclusive resort?

I’ve never even gotten a birthday gift from him. Not one. One year he gave me a half-written song he made on GarageBand and said he “lost inspiration.” It was just a looped guitar and him whispering “you my baby” over it. I still said thank you. Like an idiot.

And I know how this sounds. “Why are you still with him?” “Girl, he’s using you.” And maybe that’s true. But when you’re in something for this long, it starts to feel like a weird routine. Like this is just what love looks like. Or maybe that’s what I told myself, I’m not even sure now. But this week, something changed. I found out he bought new rims for his car last week.

And it was, $2,300 rims. Paid in full. No Klarna. No Afterpay. Just swiped it like he was Jeff Bezos. And I only found out because he posted it on his facebook and instagram with a few of his friends after he bailed out on me, again.

So yesterday when he came over I asked him about it, and asked him in a usual conversational tone, “hey, how much money do you make anyways?” he said “I been saving.” And when I asked why he never “saved” for date nights, or groceries, or literally anything we needed together, he got quiet and told me I was being “money obsessed, and a gold digger who’ll use him for his money”

So now I’m sitting here, staring at my phone screen replaying the conversation in my head as wondering if I’ve been in a three-year situationship instead of a relationship where I played both girlfriend and sponsor.

I haven’t broken up with him yet. I don’t even know what I’m asking, maybe I just needed to vent. Or maybe I need someone to tell me I’m not crazy for finally seeing what’s been in my face this whole time. So yeah. That’s it for now. Thanks for reading if you got this far. Sorry if I rambled a bit lol.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

No_Ordinary944 said:

you need to break up with this man. he literally called YOU who’s paid for EVERYTHING for 3 years a gold digger. what more proof do you need that you’re being used?

update me when you break it off!

bounddreamer said:

He's using you, and you're letting him do it. He's 30. He will not change. Cut him loose and find someone who deserves you.

BeautifulIntrepid373 said:

Eeeek. You’re being used… 😫 And he’s just realised he won’t be getting away with it anymore, so he turned to a classic gaslight attempt. People will tell you to break up with him. And you should. Only one of you is the gold digger, and it’s not you.

imf4rds said:

Three years isn't that long. No length of time is long enough to put up with this kind of shit. It's not like he is student or something and you are supporting him rn. There is a huge financial imbalance and it's not sexy for anyone in the relationship to be paying for everything. He's saving his money to use for things for himself and letting you subsidize his life. Write down everything you've paid for and you will see.

Stop giving him money, stop paying for things, and stop going out with him. And see how long he stays and then you can talk about gold diggers because you are dating one. And no, it's not bad to know how much someone makes if you are in a committed relationship.

ValleyOakPaper said:

You've been financially abused for 3 years. Time to ditch the leech! NTA

And InfinitePop1146 said:

The amount of times my brain went "GIRL" while I read this... His behavior is appalling and you allowing this to continue is even more appalling! Wake up girl! He isn't gonna change! Show yourself some respect and let him go, he isn't worth it.

One day later, she shared this update:

So I actually read through every comment. Some were brutal (deserved), some made me laugh, and a few genuinely helped me stop gaslighting myself. And a couple of people told me to go on our next date and leave my wallet at home. See what happens. So I did. Kinda.

I decided to end things depending on how dinner at Le Bernardin would go. Yes, call me stupid. I know how dumb that sounds. But the thing is… he wasn’t always like this. When we first started dating, he was the one paying for everything. My hair appointments, nails, makeup, even dental work when my insurance fell through. He’d send me groceries without me asking.

Flowers on Mondays just because. It was… a lot. And honestly, it made me feel weird. Like I was the one using him. So I told him to stop. I wanted to contribute, not be some leech. I started paying for little things. Then half of things. Then most things. And then somehow, without realizing it, I was just… paying for him. So yeah. And we’ve already had a reservation to Le Bernardin, so I mean.. why waste it?

We get there. It’s beautiful. Like the kind of place that makes you want to whisper your order and thank the cutlery. I look across the table at him and I wanted so badly to believe the version of him from years ago was still in there.

We order. We eat. Small talk. Nothing deep. He makes a few offhand comments about how “fancy” I look tonight and how “this better not bankrupt him,” followed by a laugh. I let it slide.

Then the check comes.

He looks at it. Looks at me. And goes, “Sooo... you wanna Venmo me your half orrr?”

I didn’t say anything.

I just blinked at him.

He said, “Oh. You left your card at home? Again?” (Again = a lie. I’ve never forgotten my card.)

Then he laughed. Like it was a joke. Like I was the joke.

And in that moment, I just sat back, took a deep breath, and knew it was done. I told him I’d go to the bathroom. Instead, I found our waiter, paid for my half in cash I had tucked into my coat pocket (thank you, internet 🙃), and left.

Blocked his number. Got an Uber. Went home. Haven’t heard from him since. Our mutual friend texted me a single “yo wtf happened” but I haven’t responded yet. I probably will later. So yeah. I guess this is my closure post. It’s over.

Three years. Down the drain. But at least I finally see it for what it was.

Thanks. Seriously.